Thank You

I just want to take a moment to thank my fellow OCD blogging friends. I really feel like we are a special group of people and it does help so much to know you are there to offer support and to know you face similar and different things and advice on how to handle them. Sometimes just some simple words really can make it all seem okay. Thank you all.

Asbestos

I was worrying about some asbestos in the kid's schools. We get these papers saying they check for them and have found some and they are handled by AHERA which stands for Asbestos Hazard Emergency Response Act. The schools are checked every six months. I wasn't really worried about it much to my surprise until the other day. My son who is in 7th grade is in band. He said he knew this might worry me but, they had asbestos in the stairs in their band room. He wasn't concerned. He only told me because he was talking about how the band teacher wanted to get them taken out but it would cost too much because of the asbestos. I guess the kids are always tripping over them and she just didn't like them. I'm glad he told me anyway. I called and talked to someone in charge of all this stuff and she said the asbestos was in the glue that binded the carpet to these stairs the kids sit on to play instruments. She said it could only be released into the air if it was sanded or something like that. The woman did call the band teacher and talked to her. She said she could submit a form for a bid to see how much it would cost to get them removed.  I just have to trust that he is safe.
I also have a friend who I've know for quite a few years and she lives in an old house. She mentioned that her house has asbestos in the popcorn ceiling. She gave me some boots that didn't fit her and I was so excited by it. The next day I ended up giving them back because it was bothering me too much thinking that there might be some asbestos fibers in them.

OCD runs in families

I know from my own experience and from reading that OCD is genetic.
My dad, sister an niece have it. My sister just started having more symptoms of it.
I always wondered about my son who is now 12. He sometimes had little "habits" that made me think about him having it and hoping not.
Lately, signs have been more apparent. He has had  habits but I'm now wondering if they actually are tics which are associated with OCD. He has in the past had continuous throat clearing and sniffing. It will last for a few months and then go away. He now has started stretching his neck which is quite obvious. It is particularly worse when he is at basketball pactice. My husband told me last night at practice it was bad and he was shrugging and stretching his neck and getting very distracted. My son is on the top competitive team for his age in our town. I really don't know what to do. He doesn't talk about it or say why he does it. I asked him if he fells like he has to and he just says he's stretching or doesn't really say anything. It drives my husband crazy and he tells him to quit it or mocks him I told him I don't think he can help it.

Checking in

I write this blog to share my experiences with people and to find people who I can relate with. I do not always have something to write about.
I am always on alert for with that fight or flight feeling but I think I'm doing pretty good right now.  I never know from day to day, but I guess that is true for all of us since life offers us no guarantees and OCD doesn't accept that. It wants a guarantee. This is where I put my faith in God.
I am taking one clonazepam daily and continue to take 3 fluvoxomine nightly. Taking the clonazepam in the morning sure does help me. I wake up and start feeling anxious as the morning progresses otherwise.

It's here just as I was expecting...MERCURY

Yep, I knew it because I've had issues with it before. As I mentioned the other day we had a broken CFL light bulb that contains mercury. My husband had to replace it. We replaced the light sconce along with the light bulb because we have wanted new ones. He said it took a while to get it off but then he wrapped a plastic bag around it as he took it off. He said he was as careful as he could be. I feel so bad because he was trying to protect me and yet it just wasn't good enough. He told me I could throw away the clothes he was wearing. I might. I have done it before and I'm not proud of it. The other problem is the clothes he was wearing were already put in the hamper touching other clothes that were in there. So, I'd have to throw away everything that was in there. I am so afraid of whatever mercury or vapor from it could have gotten on his shirt and I'm so afraid of it contaminating our washing machine and then contaminating all our clothes. I had this happen with something else before and I almost had my husband return our washing machine. It still could have been returned because we had it for a few months. This has been consuming me the past few days and it is so stupid but yet I can't seem to get on with it. I'm really disapointed at myself when I am like this.  Oh, yes I did my RESEARCH today. I'd be rich if I got paid for my researching. So, the facts are that a CFL lightbulb contains about 4 mg. of mercury and that would be enough to cover the tip of a ball point pen. That doesn't sound like alot but it's still too much for this OCD mind. An old-school mercury thermometer had 500 mg. of mercury, a watch battery has 25 mg., and a silver looking filling and I don't know how you spell the name of it has 500 mg. You would think that could give me comfort but my brain is stuck in gear. I got a new laundry hamper today and I have his clothing and things that were touching it wrapped up in a plastic bag. I have a headache and my tummy aches. My soul aches.

Panic attack

Sunday morning I awoke in a way I never have before. My heart was racing. I got up and walked into the kitchen and then I started having a panic attack because I was freaked out and didn't know if I should call for help or what. My husband wasn't here because he was at my son's soccer game. I called my sister and she told me to breathe and sit down. I took a clonazapam also. It did help. My heart never even races when I'm stressed so to wake up like that was scarey.

As for today, I am still feeling the contamination feelings from the batteries. I was outside doing some stuff in the garage and I touched the garbage can without a barrier like a bag or glove and of course now I feel like I probably have acid on my hands. I am using my computer though. I must have lost my mind. It really bothers me to think I have stuff on my hands for many reasons but I really worry because I wear contacts and I'm afraid I'll get it in my eyes when I take them out at night. My husband says I wash my hands so much it would be off by then anyway. I am anticipating some more anxiety soon. I bought some new outside lights for my husband to replace on our house. Our's got broken because of basketballs hitting it and now to my unhappiness and what I really didn't want to happen I noticed the dumb flouresent twirly light bulb got broken too. Well, the problem with that is they contain mercury. Oh, it's just one thing after another. I hope my husband can do it without getting mercury on anything or his hands. I told myself I wasn't going to let this stuff bother me and just live my life but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to. I have anxiety either way.

Batteries

Leaking batteries in my remote control white and crusty.

Placing gloves on hands to remove them and throw in trash outside.

Cleaned remote much to my dismay and it still is contaminated to away it went into the trash.

Nightstand that I like putting things on you are now contaminated too. I now can't set anything on you. What to do with you I just don't know.

Afraid of battery acid getting on me and especially in my eyes. Wearing contacts has started to interfere with my dirty OCD hands.

Not wanting to touch my outside garbage can because I might have somehow got battery acid on it when I threw the batteries in there so for now I have to wear a glove and hide it with a plastic grocery bag so my neighbors don't think I'm weird. Still feeling like my hands are dirty.

Bought a new remote. Hate touching batteries so I had to put my gloves on to put them in my remote. It now has a new home on top of the tv since I can't put it on my nightstand.

Batteries why do you have to cause so much trouble you stupid things.

Trying to keep my head above water.

Here I am in a sad, cold place just back to a place I didn't want to ever find myself again. Will it end? Do I really have to get my daughter's blood drawn to test for hiv to make this stop. I don't want to. I am so afraid to do it. It all started when I took her to Claire's at the mall last August to get her ears pierced. The second it happened I tingled with fear through my body and the obscessing began. A deep depression which continued through the year. What have I done I asked myself. Here I am now again. I was free for a while and doing great and not even worrying or thinking about it but now I've been hit again like a ton of bricks. Part of me says just get a test and then if she's fine everything will be back to normal and the fear gone. My psychiatrist said he didn't think testing would necessarily be the answer and had me up my clonazapam to three times a day. About  a week later I was still falling apart and he prescribed me risperidone to help break up the thoughts. I never took it because there was some side effects like possibly fatal or uncontrollable twitching that might not go away after use of medication. Yes, I went to the dreaded internet researching where I know I should go and was researching aids and hiv and scared myself and made myself feel sick. When I see the words aids or hiv it can make me start this vicious cycle.  I am afraid to even post this becasue it might even make things worse for me. Then I say should I get the test or drug myself more. Getting the test is like moving a mountain. It scares me like crazy and the waiting would almost kill me. I am a sick person. I am a scared person. Some days I am a normal or semi-normal person. When I go to these places I just want to crawl into God's arms and have him wrap me up tight and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Anxiety

I have not had anxiety over my daughter's ear piercings for quite a while now. It seems after reading another blog about piercing has brought to the surface those feelings again. What can a person with OCD do to protect themselves from these feelings resurfacing when you read things. I guess you really can't  do much about it. I spent almost 75% of last year in an anxiety filled world because like the person that got her piercing, I was terrified that she got hiv from it. I now am starting the panic feelings again and I don't want to go there. It scares the heck out of me. It's a very scary place.  I really thought I was over this. That's what I hate about OCD is that you finally start feeling normal and that you can cope with something and everything is fine and somewhere in that brain strikes a chord. A chord of depression, worry, hopelessness, and it's a viscious cycle.

If it makes you HAPPY

I have made a decision. I want to be happy. I want to live a happy life. I am tired of not caring and just making it through the day. It's just not good enough. God make me to be great. I need to fulfill this plan.
I know challenges are part of life and sometimes feel out of control with OCD because it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have decided to take some chances. I've touched some things that I normally wouldn't without gloves today. My daughter and her friend did inspire me. They took "contaminated" rakes out of the shed today and raked up a whole back yard of pine needles, filled a bird feeder, washed out a bird bath and had fun doing it. I didn't tell them they couldn't, I just let them enjoy the moment. I am sick of sacrificing my life to OCD. Just plain sick of it. I am better than this. I watched my sister this weekend as we went to the zoo and it was a bit disturbing. She didn't experience OCD as a child like I did but now in her 30's she is experiencing it and it's getting worse. Thankfully, she has started seeing someone for it and it taking meds. now. We went to the zoo and she had to check under the car every time we got out to make sure she didn't drop something. Everytime we sat down somewhere she had to go back to look to make sure she didn't leave something behind. I understand but it's weird watching her do it. She has a hard time getting out of her apartment because she has to check to make sure all burners are off and refrigerator closed and I don't know what else. I usually only do this as we are leaving for a vacation.
I want to get involved in excercising again this fall. I want to go to women's bible study at my church. I haven't ever participated in one and I've gone to this church for 12 years. I tend to run away from people I guess. I don't have any really close friends. I figured out that I really am afraid of commitment and I guess I don't really know how to be a good friend. I do have a few close friends but I don't see them very often or talk to them on the phone. I grew up having a best friend from age 4 to 18. She then went away to college and then was in my wedding but we were never as close. We still talk once in a while and it is ironic that her husband had OCD and her marriage ended in divorce a few years ago. She doesn't know that I have OCD. I never have had a chance to tell her. It might be for the best.
So, here's to my new adventure in doing everything I can to make my life happy. Cheers!

Shoe rack and Hair color

I keep trying to find a solution for organizing the mess of shoes by our front entryway. I finally bought a  storage rack for them but yes there was a problem. I thought I'd be fine with it but it got the best of me. I don't like pressed wood products because they contain formaldyhyde. I probably didn't spell that right. So, new things smell new and the reason is because of the VOC's or off gassing of CHEMICALS. I used to like it when things smelled new. So, we all had our shoes in there the other night and I had to get out of bed to take them out and go put the cabinet in the garage. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'd take it back but my husband had to put it together and part of it he had to use nails. He said I'd have to take it apart it I was going to take it back. I probably could talk him into it, but I also hate taking things back to the store. I'm trying not to think about it because after all it is just a stupid shoe rack.

Now, for the hair color. I used to color my hair every so often to cover the few grays I had. I now have alot more grays in the front of my hair that I want to cover up because they stick out and don't look good. I have gotten more scared the past few times I've colored my hair about getting in it my eyes when I rinse it out. I was going to do it today. I was all ready and then I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to feel the discomfort. I haven't gotten any in my eyes before but the water runs on my face by my eyes and then I am sure I must have got some in there and I'm really afraid I'll go blind. So, now it's another step back in my life of things I can't do. I went to see my doctor who prescribes my medications last week. I told him my husband thinks I am worse now than ever. The doctor thinks I seem to be doing okay. I was taking clonazopam up to twice a day as needed. I told him I do much better if I do take one in the morning and then usually don't have to take another that day. He told me just to start taking one every morning and then one later in the day if I need to. I told him I am afraid to take too many because I don't want to damage my liver. He said my dosage is so low that it should be fine. He does like to get blood work done yearly though so he said I could go ahead and get that done and my cholesterol. I told him I have been blogging about my ocd and he thought that was great and that I was meeting others who had ocd like me so I don't feel like I'm the only person who is like this.

I don't have cable, but I found the episodes of the OCD Project that a few of you have mentioned. I am excited to watch. I watched the first episode the other day. I am hopeful to learn some things.

I want to be free from you OCD

Anxiety stays with me wherever I am. I wake up with anxiety and I often go to bed with it even when I have no reason to be anxious. There's always that feeling of uncertainty that I just can't seem to grasp. I so believe that I am not supposed to worry or be uncertain yet I can not let go. I want to be free from this grip that OCD has on me. I want to live my life and not be a prisoner. I am sick of it. I try to be thankful because I know I am like this for a reason but it sure seems like I miss out on alot and cause alot of turmoil because of this condition. I want to touch and do without even thinking about what I'm touching or what I'm doing because it might be dirty or dangerous. I am not in control and I never will be no matter what I do to try to CONTROL. No, it's not me who can do it. It's amazing how I think I am so powerful. I listen to the constant  whispers and lies that OCD  tells me. It says if I listen then nothing bad will happen. I know this is a lie but can I truly believe it in the trials and tribulations of my life? Can I ever truly LET GO and LET GOD. OCD please let me be and let me live my life. I want to be free. I want to be free so my family can be free. My OCD does not just affect me but my family lives with it everyday. It's not fair to them. I grieve for the frustrations and crazy things I do to my family. I really feel burdened by the way I affect them. Afterall it is not all about ME.

I did it.

This morning I was determined to clean out the sawdust in the garage. The morning didn't start great because I threw a bag of garbage in the can outside and I didn't know there was a bunch of sawdust left in there so it all blew on me when I put it in there. I went to the store and bought some dust masks. I was going to use my shop vac, but it wasn't working. I swept the floor alot and used a bucket of water and a sponge. I still have some work to do but I am tired after spending a about three hours cleaning. I am proud of myself. I feel alot better now.

Update at 4:54
I started feeling anxiety showing it's ugly face. My breathing was getting hyper-ventilating like and I could hear a wheezing so it "MUST" have been from the dust says my OCD. I took a clonazopam to help me get back to normal if you can call it that. I'm feeling a little better now. I may have more anxiety tonight but I hope it will be gone by tomorrow.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today is he day I will clean my garage. I am going to get a dust mask and use my shop vac and do what needs to be done with God by my side. Thank you God for you strength, love, and wisdom. I love you.

It's so bugging me...What should I do?

I am so afraid of the mess of dust in the garage. It is so bugging me and consuming me. Do any of my fellow bloggers have any advice for me and this craziness that is making me crazy.  I'm sure you have read about my whole laminate flooring project and how I was so afraid of the dust and the finish on the laminate. So anyway my garage still sits full of the sawdust. It is on the floor and all over all my stuff in there. My husband was going to use his air compressor and blow it all out. I told him I didn't want him to do that because it would just blow it all over the place. He told me that it wouldn't be in our garage though. It doesn't even wash off by just spraying it off with the hose. I am just getting sick about this. I am so afraid to tackle it myself because I am so afraid of getting it in my lungs. I bought some sponges the other day and thought the best way would be to fill a bucket with soapy water and clean all the things and shelves that way and then wet mop the floor. I was going to get a mask until I read a warning on it saying if not used properly can cause injury. I don't know what that means. My husband swept the floor but not very good because I still see dust all over it. I just hope the dust isn't coming in through the vents when the A/C is on. I know I am rambling on and on but I just don't know what to do. I'd like to hire someone to come in and clean it all for me but I'm not rich so I can't. 

Weekly anxiety

1. Garage covered in sawdust- I would clean it but it's overwhelming for me now. I don't want to breathe in
     any dust.

2. Pool- I have added some chemicals but need to go get a different one I haven't added yet. It causes alot
    of anxiety for me to transport the chemicals in my car and to put them in the pool. I am probably one of
    the few people that wear gloves and some sort of protective eye covering to do it.

3. Feeling fat- My clothes are feeling tighter from lack of excercise. I was doing jazzercise last year and felt
    good but I quit and haven't joined again. I don't know if I will. It's kind of a social anxiety thing. I always
    have so many excuses not to do things and I just give up.

4. The weather-it's been very cloudy here until the afternoon and it doesn't help with mood.

5. My dryer heating element-went out so now I have a heap of dirty clothes.

I always feel like I'm complaining but these things are so real and it does help to write it and share it. I feels so great to know there are people out here that go through the same challenges in different ways as me and understand.

Oh, Oh, Oh it's OCD!

Here it comes again in full force. It started with a day at the park for a baseball end of season picnic. Everything was nice until they decided to have a game of parents against the kids. One of the boy's dad that was playing took a big flying leap into home base and got some blood gushing wounds. He went and sat on the bench that the boys sat on and had to patch up his bloody mess. He was pouring water on it and throwing the bloody napkins under the bench. I was really hoping he would wash his hands or not play anymore since my son and husband were playing. No, hand washing on his part was involved. He was up to bat and had to touch a couple of the bats before he got up there. The ball will probably get blood on it too or the germs. I'm freakin' just a wee bit. I should be used to it. This is me and what I and alot of you deal with. It's hard. I don't want to be a freak and make my family think I'm a freak. It seems worse as my kids are getting older because it's harder for me to do things to "protect" them without them noticing and thinking I'm a fruitcake. I hate putting them through it. I just can't seem to stop. As I speak there is a sandwich bag wrapped around the door handle of my home so that they won't contaminate it when they come home. My daughter and I left early and someone is giving them a ride home. I couldn't take it anymore. I am going to put some hand sanitizer on them when they get home as much as I don't want to and ask them to wash their hands. It makes me sad to do this. I feel weak. I took a clonazopam when I got home and of course now I am saying to myself why did I take it? I start to freak sometimes from taking it because it might be bad for me. I am so proud of you out there that are doing exposures. I know how hard it is. You are doing great. I do what I can but some things just haven't been able to jump those hurdles especially when it comes to poison and blood.

Panic

It is 4:00 a.m. at this moment. I am awake and and panicing. Last night we worked on the laminate flooring again. This stuff is not as easy to put in as I thought it was supposed to be. I was great and probably would still be fine until my loving relative that was helping us decided to use the jig saw in the kitchen to cut out the shape of the air vent and of course right over the air vent. I was not happy about that. My husband drew the shape on the previous ones and took them outside to do it. Now, I'm freaking out because I know dust went down into the vent and I can't reach that far to clean it out so it will blow out into the air me and my family are breathing. My husband vacuumed it up which was nice but now my vacuum is contaminated too. The issue I'm having is not just about sawdust. It's something I mentioned in a previous post that there is a hard layer of what's called aluminum oxide to protect the floor. I am so scared of breathing it in and of my kids breathing it in. I already have a fear of breathing in anything that is not clean air because I'm afraid of things getting stuck in my lungs. I just feel hopeless and like crying right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a poisoned house now. I feel like it's hard to breathe but I know it's because I am panicing. My husband got called into work very early this morning so that's why I'm up. I cleaned the floor off and other surfaces in the kitchen with a damp cloth.  My nose is stuffy so I can't help but think it's from the dust. I'm sad because I don't want the dust and what's in it to hurt us. I am sick of this and now I think it would have been better to keep the carpet. It just makes me so mad that he did the cutting in here over the vent. I love him and I know he didn't mean to make me feel this way but because of my OCD I am very mad and scared and sad right now. Today is probably going to be a challenge for me. I am babysitting my two year old nephew also. If I can't go back to sleep I am probably going to be grouchy too. I don't want to turn the air conditioning on because I don't want it to blow the stuff out. When I feel like this I just want to crawl into a little ball and cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. I know God tells me not to be anxious about anything and maybe I need to cast my anxieties on him because he cares for me.

Ebb and Flow of OCD

I guess that's how it works. Things can be going smoothly for a day or even a week or longer and I think I'm doing fine but that's the funny thing is it just can't stay smooth. There is a wave and I never know when it will occur. This weekend I have been experiencing alot of anxiety. It's the summer days of having the kids home I think. We don't have something to do every second and then that can cause friction. My daughter's good friend that lived next door moved and her other friend is sick with mono. so is on bed rest for a month. She doesn't seem to want to meet any other friends but complains about being bored and having no one to play with. My anxiety starts to go crazy when she is bored and has nothing to do and we have been arguing with each other lately which we usually don't. I think I usually let her have alot of things her way when my OCD is going crazy and then when I have to crack down on her and I'm not even raising my voice she says I'm yelling at her. It's hard. I love her so much and I just want what is best for her. I was letting her stay up later until 8:30 or 9:00 because I thought she could handle it in the summer. I was wrong. I also was thinking how nice it's been that she hasn't been so whiny and mood swings but I think lack of sleep brought all that back full swing. I have just felt like I'm going to lose my mind the past few days. Our floor still isn't finished. It looks the same as the picture in the previous post. We attempted to finish it but my husband said he has to have his dad help him. He doesn't really have much experience with a saw and isn't able to do the cuts needed. I want my floor finished now. I am trying very hard to be patient but I am losing patience quickly. Oh yes, how could I forget. We went and picked up my daughter's friend that moved today and they are playing now outside. It's such a coincidence (HA, HA, HA,HA, HA) that there was a nice big bottle of ROUND-UP sitting on the sidewalk ready to go do some weed spraying. I don't know if they already did some or not so of course I am worried that the friend probably has some on her shoes and even though I have them take there shoes off it somehow will get on the padding laid out before the laminate floor goes on it. I am venting if you can't tell. This is a moment of anxiety. I am letting my daughter take slimy tadpoles out of our pool now and TOUCHING them while she puts them in containers to take to the park and put in the stream. Ick, I must be CRAZY!

Update on flooring

I have tackled what I was so afraid of. I have had some anxiety but not like I thought I would. We are not done installing yet. My husband and me are not the best handy people. It took a long time to get it all figured out but we steadily moved along when we got a pattern going. I still don't like the sawdust part of it. Part of my OCD makes me afraid of breathing in bad things and it staying in my lungs. I am really afraid of inhaling particles of broken glass or eating it on chipped dishes, styrofoam, fumes, and I can't think of the other things now. Oh, I'm afraid that when I eat a piece of candy or something out of a plastic wrapper that a piece of plastic might somehow get into my mouth and I won't notice and I'll breathe it in. Yep, it's part of the fun of having OCD.

Flooring...

This is the weekend. We tore out carpet last night and I did fine. I even helped some and let my daughter.  I think I'm going to survive without a major episode. I think I've already done most of my obsessing the past month over it. Let's hope for the best.

Feeling foggy and like I'm gonna lose control

Some days when I wake up I just feel foggy. I guess that's the best way to describe it. I don't know it it's from my medication or stress or what causes it. I have felt kind of overwhelmed the last few days. My children are home for summer and I've been running like crazy with basketball camp and baseball. My daughter and I have had alot of butting heads. If she is bored she wants to eat. It is so hard for me to keep telling her no and it does get annoying. As soon as she is done with lunch she wants something else. It's like a constant need to have something in her mouth. This has always been a struggle with her. I like food too so I understand but I know how to stop and not keep eating. I don't think she understands. She thinks I am mean when I tell her she can't have something. Thankfully, my son is not like that. I would really be losing it then. Today is cloudy again and it's starting to be depressing. We have been having alot of rain. It is summer! I wore my jeans and winter coat to the store today. That was another fun experience all in itself. I started by looking for some duct tape for our flooring project. It was across from paint thinners and all that lovely stuff. Oh ya, it did smell. I said to my daughter come on quick as we hurried away from there. You think I'm going to buy the tape that is permiated with the vapors of PAINT THINNER. I just couldn't do it. I was overly anxious to begin with. Then onto the brooms that I need. I couldn't get that because it was across from varnishes and all of that kind of junk. On to the masks that I want my husband to wear when cutting our laminate flooring so he doesn't inhale the ALUMINUM OXIDE particles that might fly off it. I know he won't even wear the mask. He doesn't care about all that stuff. OVERLOAD! 
While looking at the masks I touched a package one was in and it looked like something might have spilled on the outside of it. Who knows what. I just wanted to go home but I decided just to have my daughter get all the items we needed and put them in the cart. We got our groceries and she had fun getting the stuff. Sometimes I just feel like a complete psycho woman. I hate putting my kids through that too. When I came home I knew I needed to take a clonazopam. I do feel much better now. It helps to take that edge off. I am so thankful for that. I don't take it everyday, but it can be a lifesaver in times like these.

Money

I try not to handle money. I just use my debit card. I always seem to find something dirty or especially something that looks like blood on my money. It's kind of weird how I always find things that look like blood on my money or other things. So something that's actually kind of funny happened with me and my money the other day. It wasn't funny then though. I told my husband I would cash his birthday check for him. Do you think I got crisp clean bills at the bank. NO!  It had some sort of mess on the back of it that of course in my OCD mind had to be blood. What to do...I came home and held it by the corner and put it in an atm envelope. I then went back to the bank atm and deposited it. I then had to withdraw money from the atm. My husband doesn't care what kind of crud is on his money but I do because then he is going to touch it and get it on me somehow.

Fear of words

I just want to say that I really want to participate and comment on blogs I read. This is one of the things I struggle with. Writing or saying something that becomes a permanent statement. I start to write something and then my mind races and I erase it because it might cause something bad to happen. It just is my OCD holding me back from doing things I want to do and communicating with other people. I'm also afraid of saying the wrong thing at the doctors in fear it will stay on my medical chart. I won't even email the doctor office anymore because I don't want what I've emailed to go in my permanent record. Reading your blogs of those who also have OCD have been a great comfort to me.  If I am feeling alot of anxiety I feel like I can come here and get peace by knowing other people out there know what I am going through. I continue to learn and relate to you and thank you for sharing. It doesn't mean that I'll never post a comment. I guess it just depends on my anxiety level.

OCD

OCD is never satisfied.

Do you really want to know what this is?  Just the other day I was all worked up over my laminate flooring and now I have it. It is sitting in my garage waiting to be installed. I am okay and feeling good about my choice now. We will see once we start installing it. So anyway, what is in this bag is a tub of transmission fluid. We had a mishap when it came to doing some car work ourselves last summer and this is the result of it some transmission fluid that is driving me crazy. It was sitting in our garage without a bag on it but I went and covered it with a bag even though I didn't want to get near it. The reason it is now outside our garage is...anyone want to take a guess? Yep, it's because the laminate is in there and the vapors from the transmission fluid might contaminate it. It's weird because when I write this stuff down I sound really "OUT THERE", yet in my mind when I am obsessing this all just makes perfect sense and is so real and scary. Wow! our brains are amazing. I think it really does help get things into perspective by getting them out. It's funny how OCD is so tricky. It makes us think if we do all these things and worry until we can't worry anymore and then still worry that we somehow will be safe and so will all our loved ones. I wish I could make myself believe that I don't need to worry about these things. It's like a constant little drumming in my ear saying you can't be safe unless you do this or take care of this. Anyway, my plan is to get the transmission fluid to the hazardous waste facility which is not far from here. The issue is trying to pour it into a milk jug and then transporting it there. The thought makes me miserable thinking about it. I just hate going to the hazardous recycling place and I look like an idiot wearing rubber gloves there. I wear the rubber gloves because the people that work there are handling all sorts of chemicals and then they hand you a paper and pen to fill out a form. I do not want all those mysterious chemicals and poisons spread onto my hands. I'd make my husband take care of all this stuff but then I'm afraid he won't do it "right" and get chemicals on his hands and then bring it home on him and contaminate our house. OCD is a vicious cycle and I really don't like it at all.

Darned if you do and darned it you don't!

It is true. SO TRUE. I can see you who have made comments agree with me. You just are darned either way. Live your life with doubts and be miserable or be miserable making choices you are fearful of. I guess it's true that I want to be CERTAIN of everything and I can't be. I just can't. No one can because it's not possible except for God. For  now, I've given up the idea of the laminate flooring. We have lived in this house for 12 years and the carpet has gone through alot. My husband said he was used to it and didn't get mad about the flooring. He probably expected me to change my mind, after all it is what I do best. It really does help having support from you out there who do know what I am talking about and experiencing.
Thank You.

Flooring. Is any of it safe?

I know I haven't been writing very often. It just seems like when things cool off with OCD for a while then I don't have anything to write about. Lately, I have been dealing with flooring. I know it sounds boring. We had a pipe freeze and break last winter. Water flooded the laundry room and into the hall and we had to pull up part of the carpet padding. I want to replace our flooring but I just don't know what to do. I have researched almost every website and I thought I found the solution. I was going to go buy it today. I am now not going to buy it today and I'm sure my husband will probably be disappointed. I was all fine and dandy and now I've chickened out. I found a laminate flooring and it was in our budget and it was even greenguard certified which means it's has gone through lots of testing to make sure it's safe for the air quality for VOC's. Most people probably don't know or care what a VOC is. It is Volatile Organic Compound. It's found in almost everything. So, the reason I don't want it is because it's coated with something called aluminum oxide. I have no proof this is going to be harmful. I just was thinking of alzheimer's and aluminum and how people have said it could contribute to it. I of course got on the computer and had to start "researching." I didn't find much but I don't want to go buy the new flooring now. Even the eco-friendly options have stuff in them that are not good or they are way too expensive. My carpet now really is not in good shape and I just may have it for a lot longer if I can't decide what to do. It's so frustrating. I was starting to have my hyper-ventilation breathing which just feels like I'm not breathing naturally but no one else notices and I did not sleep good because of this. I am feeling sleepy now because I took a clonazapam. I am not going to go to sleep though because I have so much other stuff to do. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. That's another thing I need to work on is getting myself on a schedule. Don't know if that'll happen. LOL.

Round up

Another fun shopping trip today. I sometimes go to a different fred meyer to avoid the poisons in the front. I had my cart loaded and ready to pay. The only problem was there was only one cashier that wasn't express and the couple in front of me had a nice bottle of round-up mingled in with there groceries. It didn't bother them any. I searched for other options but I didn't have any unless I just left but I spent too long getting all my groceries. I am proud of myself because I bought them and I don't like it but I'm not totally freaking out, yet! It will cause me to wash my hands every time I open a package but I usually do that anyway. I wash before preparing a meal and alot during the whole process. My doctor thought I had eczema on my hands when I was there last and I said no I just wash my hands alot. She said maybe I should try putting vaseline on them, ick.

Compliated! Arrgh! GERMS

I just got back from the store and I heard someone coughing profusely. I was hoping it was my imagination. I just know I must have gone through the same line right after this same person did. I know this because the cashier said she just put on hand sanitizer and her hands were sticky. The proof was that after she rang all my groceries up the other cashier came a bottle of hand sanitizer and squirted it on her hands. Great! Now I got my bag of groceries that have been covered in who knows what kind of germs. I usually do not wash my groceries when I get them home but I did. I got a wet paper towel and put soap on it and washed them all off and took what I could out of the packages. OCD can be so complicated. It's always when you least expect it. That's the thing, you can be having a good day and then something happens or a thought pops into your head and just spoils it. Now that it's almost summer people are poison happy too. Everywhere I go they are spraying away. Gotta love it, NOT! My son and I were watching the show "The Middle" the other night and this guy was talking about gardening to his neighbor and how people use ladybugs and all that stuff now and he said he likes all american old fashioned poison. We chuckled at that.

Stores and Chemicals

I don't always have something to say about OCD but I decided I should try to blog even when nothing too OCDish is going on. I guess it is always going on even if I don't notice. I am always aware of it because it's part of me. I will try to talk about something to do with OCD since that's what the focus of my blog is about. One thing I dislike about this season is that the stores get chemical happy. They put fertilizers by all the entry ways and you have to hold your breath or breathe in those fumes just to get in the store. It's everywhere because they really want you to buy some. I used to have to go to a different grocery store in the spring and summer because I didn't even want to use the carts or have my stuff on the conveyer belts that all the poisons had been sitting on. It seems like everyone has some pesticide or chemical in their cart. It makes me sick. When I pay for my items at the store I look to carefully to make sure no one in front of me is buying "chemicals".  I won't go through that line. Choosing a cart can sometimes be a challenge too. If it looks like there is something dirty on it I have to choose a new one. I don't use the cleaning wipes they have to clean off my cart though because I don't want the cleaning chemical on my hands.  The more anxious I am the worse my OCD symptoms are.

Managing Your OCD Symptoms: June 30

Managing Your OCD Symptoms: June 30

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It's been a wild ocd filled weekend and yesterday

I have been filled with lots of anxiety over the last few days. Saturday was full of anxiety over a kid getting a bloody nose at my daughter's basketball game. The blood dripped all across the gym floor as the kid was running for the bathroom. They wiped the many blood spots up with a towel and I didn't see any disinfectants anywhere. The game went on. All I could think about was that my daughter would be touching a ball that probably would bounce on some of those places where the blood had been. Then when she sat down to get a drink of water she opened her water bottle the part that goes in her mouth with her hands. Then she started wiggling her loose tooth. I had to go over there and tell her to keep her hands out of her mouth and off her face. After the game I went over there with my little bottle of hand sanitizer to squirt on her hands. I had to do it twice because once just wasn't enough. I do feel bad that I do this to my kids. She says it's annoying. Yes, it is annoying. The rest of the day I was paranoid because of the entryway in our house that could be contaminated with blood from our shoes and the inside of the car.

Sunday was a whole new set of worries. I let my daughter and the neighbor girl play at the end of our driveway in the whatever it is the dirt sand stuff that builds up I guess it run off the gutters. They didn't ask if they could play in it they just did. They got there swimming suits on because they were getting it wet and playing in it. So, it didn't hit me until Sunday morning a What have I done? Hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter said she was itchy that evening and her friend came over the next day and said she was itchy. I thought oh great was there chemicals, pesticides who knows what in there from runoff. I was not happy. I was scared. My husband said they're just being kids.

I have to say i am very afraid of x-rays because of radiation. I freak when I have to get the regular few. I was prepared to have a full mouth set yesterday for my check-up. I didn't know exactly what or how many this was. I thought it was going to be a scan or something. I declined it five years ago when they wanted to do it. I was informed half way through it was a total of 18 x-rays. Oh, that wasn't cool. I took extra vitamin C hoping that would help my body. It didn't bother me so much until last night. I started worrying. I had to get on the computer to look up stuff on x-rays. I called the dentist office today for some "reassurance". They usually like to tell me it's like walking outside comparing the amount of radiation I find it hard to believe. When I talked to thereceptionist this morning she helped me put my mind at ease as much as possible. She said it's such a little amount and that she just had hers done tto and then went and had an MRI the same day.She said she mentioned to them she had just had several dental x-rays earlier that day. She said they just laughed and told her it's such a small amount that it was fine. Alrighty then! I guess I'll just take my vitamin C, fish oil, multi-vitamin, vitamin D and green tea I bought today. I hope it helps. I really hope I have a better day today.

Experiencing anxiety

That's not an uncommon thing in my life. Some days are just filled with more anxiety than others. I kind of has myself worked up this morning and a few days off and on because of some tenderness or soreness on my inner legs and arms. I know I don't help matters by pinching and prodding at it.  I worry. I think about the worst. I try to just focus on God when this happens but fear overtakes and I know I should not fear because that's what God tells me. I haven't freaked out about myself for a while. Usually, it's with my kids now. I thought I was over ME. Guess not. I did take a clonazapam yesterday and today. It doesn't seem to be helping much this morning. The worst thing about having these catastrophic fears is it can ruin my whole day if I let it. I have to go grocery shopping today and it feels overwhelming right now. My breathing is even off key. God please give me strength to face my day.

Holidays

Depression which is also something that comes along with my OCD. I don't know why but every holiday is very emotional for me. I look forward to them but I always seem to just be emotional even if I'm having a good holiday I feel sad. I was like that yesterday and not in a great mood the first part of the day. I don't know if it's the high expectations for the day and matters with family that can make me very sensitive. We were going to spend the day just Me, my husband and children as our parents had other plans. It ended on a good note. My husband's parents came to our house and stayed for dinner. They got done sooner than expected at the previous place. We played games and had fun so that helped my mood. We had a nice ham dinner. I haven't been taking clonazapam for the last few days now which is on a as needed basis. It helps to relieve anxiety to calm the obsessive thoughts. I have felt pretty good. I will take it if I feel I need it though and it does help.

Thoughts

This blogging thing can be hard. I feel like I should write something every day weather anyone else is reading it or I'm just venting and getting it out. OCD is hard. I was at the dentist's office yesterday because my daughter had an appointment. I was sitting in the lobby looking at a magazine and then felt something on the cover of the magazine so I turned it over to look and see what I might be touching. I first noticed what looked like blood. I then noticed a squished little fruit fly or something by it. Can I convince myself that this blood was from the bug? NO! I know it had to be but then my OCD tells me it was from a human who probably had some sort of disease I could get and give to my family. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands. I then put hand sanitizer on a few times. When we got in the car I washed my hands with a few wet wipes. They still did not feel clean. I had to wash my hands a few times when we got home. I have washed off my steering wheel and other things in the car with a soapy paper towel but I feel like I need to do it again. I am not excited about going grocery shopping this morning because I still feel the contamination and it might get on my food. I am going to go clean my steering wheel again and probably my keys and purse handle again.

Hanging in there

I am still a little unstable but I'm just keeping on. We had conferences this morning and the kids are off the rest of the week and all of next week for Spring break. We are probably going to go camping at the coast for a few days. I took three of my clonazapams yesterday to help me with my anxiety and I was thinking about trying the risperidone but I just couldn't bring myself there. A part of me just wants to try it to see if it helps but then I hate and am scared of taking medication and especially with those list of side affects. I know I did the same thing before I started on the fluvoxomine several years ago. I just feel like I hate to keep adding more medication. I currently do not meet with a counselor because they don't feel I really need to but I am thinking I need to just to have someone to talk to about my crazy thoughts. It has been helpful and comforting to read the other blogs I have found with people sharing there experience with OCD. Thank you.

Still in the cloudiness of anxiety

Today is stilled filled with anxiety. I am taking my clonazapam to help relieve my anxiousness. I still debate weather I should take the risperidone that I haven't ever taken. I am afraid of the side effects. I am tired today and I think it is due to the time change.

Good Morning! This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. So have a good day.

This is from a book I have of Words of Encouragement. If only I could truely have that attitude and be able to give it all to God. I know he can handle it but somehow I have trouble giving it all to him. I so desperately want to.

Facing Anxiety Today

My Sunday did not go so well. I felt sad almost all day. I know that hormones for woman can play a part but I don't know if that's why or not. I experience sadness and depression sometimes for no reason and other times it for a reason I feel I have no control over. In August I got my daughter's ears pierced. We were at the mall having her pictures taken and it had been a long day. I don't even know what I was thinking because the thought of her getting them pierced drove me crazy since I am scared mindlessly about contamination and her possibly getting something from it. I wasn't going to let the OCD rule but it sure has ever since that moment. I have been filled with fear and anxiety over the possibility of  hiv/aids from piercing. I have been told it's highly unlikely but I can't seem to shake this fear. I have always been freaked out about blood and the possibility of hiv/aids. I don't even like writing the word because if I read it or see it, it takes me now to this dreadful place of hopelessness and worry. I also worry because of "me" her earrings are not "exactly" the same on each side since I had them move one of the dots before they pierced it. So, I get better and go along not even thinking about it and then for no particular reason these thoughts come flooding back into my mind and take over. I become depressed and anxious. My doctor has told me to start taking clonazapam when I feel this anxiety. It does seem to help bring down the anxiety but the thoughts always there. He prescribed risperdone to help break up the thoughts more but I decided not to take it because I was afraid of the side effects. I currently take fluvoxomine in the evening. I have taken that since 1998. Living with UNCERTAINTY is so overwhelming.

How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help for Anxiety Relief

How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help for Anxiety Relief

God is so good

I spent the morning and all day yesterday researching to try and find something else to feed my dog so I didn't have to step foot in the poisoned sprayed parking lot. I just got tired of looking and I went to the Vet. and got the food. I am doing fine. I had to leave my shoes in the garage though, instead of the front door. My dog is happy she got her food. She is on a prescription diet for re-occuring bladder stones so I can only get her food there. I was making her food for a while. I decided to stop because I was having problems using the bone meal because it has small amounts of  lead and arsenic in it and I was afraid I could possibly breathe it in. It's just so much more complicated than it needs to be.

Poison

One thing that strongly affects me by having OCD is that I am very afraid of poisons and chemicals. I especially do not like any kind of pesticide. They just freak me out. My husband used to use fertlizer and weed and feed on our yard and it took a while of watching me and me begging, but he finally stopped using them. He used to take such pride in his lush green grass and now doesn't really care about it anymore. I enjoy it now since I can walk on it without freaking out. Any thought of getting a pesticide on me or breathing it in can ruin a day for me. I may not want to touch anything "important" because it might contaminate it or even cook dinner because I might have some on my hands no matter how many times I wash them. I seem to always run into someone applying pesticides no matter where I go. I pulled into the veterinarian's office parking lot this morning to get dog food. I drove right through and left because I could tell they had totally doused the weeds ( and there were a lot) in herbacide. They were yellowing so I'm fairly certain they sprayed them. Guess I need to figure out how I'm going to get my dog's food since she has to be on a special diet.

My first day of sharing my OCD with the world

I have experienced OCD unknowingly since I was a kid. I used to have to touch things when we were in the store. I mean I "had" to. I didn't just want to. That's the first memory I have of OCD. I then later in elementary school I had germ phobias. I didn't even want to pet our family dog because if I did I'd have to clean my hands with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol. I remember always having to put the radio station on Z100 before I got out of the car. It might be bad luck if I didn't. I would have to stare at my closet and blink my eyes a certain amount of times before I went to sleep. I didn't know anything was wrong with me or why I was doing these things. I didn't even really think about it. It wasn't until 1998 when my first child was born that I discovered from all the symptoms that I had OCD. I made an appointment to go see a doctor and then it was an official diagnosis. I then began taking medication which was Luvox. I still take the generic of that medication and it has been helpful. Every day is a journey and some days are much harder than others. I do rely on God and family to get me through. Thankfully my husband and children are able to laugh about alot of the things and anxieties I have and that helps to put things back into reality. I do love them so much. I hope to blog as often as I can so others facing the same thing might find some comfort and others who know nothing about OCD can learn about it.