I want to be free from you OCD

Anxiety stays with me wherever I am. I wake up with anxiety and I often go to bed with it even when I have no reason to be anxious. There's always that feeling of uncertainty that I just can't seem to grasp. I so believe that I am not supposed to worry or be uncertain yet I can not let go. I want to be free from this grip that OCD has on me. I want to live my life and not be a prisoner. I am sick of it. I try to be thankful because I know I am like this for a reason but it sure seems like I miss out on alot and cause alot of turmoil because of this condition. I want to touch and do without even thinking about what I'm touching or what I'm doing because it might be dirty or dangerous. I am not in control and I never will be no matter what I do to try to CONTROL. No, it's not me who can do it. It's amazing how I think I am so powerful. I listen to the constant  whispers and lies that OCD  tells me. It says if I listen then nothing bad will happen. I know this is a lie but can I truly believe it in the trials and tribulations of my life? Can I ever truly LET GO and LET GOD. OCD please let me be and let me live my life. I want to be free. I want to be free so my family can be free. My OCD does not just affect me but my family lives with it everyday. It's not fair to them. I grieve for the frustrations and crazy things I do to my family. I really feel burdened by the way I affect them. Afterall it is not all about ME.

It's so bugging me...What should I do?

I am so afraid of the mess of dust in the garage. It is so bugging me and consuming me. Do any of my fellow bloggers have any advice for me and this craziness that is making me crazy.  I'm sure you have read about my whole laminate flooring project and how I was so afraid of the dust and the finish on the laminate. So anyway my garage still sits full of the sawdust. It is on the floor and all over all my stuff in there. My husband was going to use his air compressor and blow it all out. I told him I didn't want him to do that because it would just blow it all over the place. He told me that it wouldn't be in our garage though. It doesn't even wash off by just spraying it off with the hose. I am just getting sick about this. I am so afraid to tackle it myself because I am so afraid of getting it in my lungs. I bought some sponges the other day and thought the best way would be to fill a bucket with soapy water and clean all the things and shelves that way and then wet mop the floor. I was going to get a mask until I read a warning on it saying if not used properly can cause injury. I don't know what that means. My husband swept the floor but not very good because I still see dust all over it. I just hope the dust isn't coming in through the vents when the A/C is on. I know I am rambling on and on but I just don't know what to do. I'd like to hire someone to come in and clean it all for me but I'm not rich so I can't. 

Darned if you do and darned it you don't!

It is true. SO TRUE. I can see you who have made comments agree with me. You just are darned either way. Live your life with doubts and be miserable or be miserable making choices you are fearful of. I guess it's true that I want to be CERTAIN of everything and I can't be. I just can't. No one can because it's not possible except for God. For  now, I've given up the idea of the laminate flooring. We have lived in this house for 12 years and the carpet has gone through alot. My husband said he was used to it and didn't get mad about the flooring. He probably expected me to change my mind, after all it is what I do best. It really does help having support from you out there who do know what I am talking about and experiencing.
Thank You.

Flooring. Is any of it safe?

I know I haven't been writing very often. It just seems like when things cool off with OCD for a while then I don't have anything to write about. Lately, I have been dealing with flooring. I know it sounds boring. We had a pipe freeze and break last winter. Water flooded the laundry room and into the hall and we had to pull up part of the carpet padding. I want to replace our flooring but I just don't know what to do. I have researched almost every website and I thought I found the solution. I was going to go buy it today. I am now not going to buy it today and I'm sure my husband will probably be disappointed. I was all fine and dandy and now I've chickened out. I found a laminate flooring and it was in our budget and it was even greenguard certified which means it's has gone through lots of testing to make sure it's safe for the air quality for VOC's. Most people probably don't know or care what a VOC is. It is Volatile Organic Compound. It's found in almost everything. So, the reason I don't want it is because it's coated with something called aluminum oxide. I have no proof this is going to be harmful. I just was thinking of alzheimer's and aluminum and how people have said it could contribute to it. I of course got on the computer and had to start "researching." I didn't find much but I don't want to go buy the new flooring now. Even the eco-friendly options have stuff in them that are not good or they are way too expensive. My carpet now really is not in good shape and I just may have it for a lot longer if I can't decide what to do. It's so frustrating. I was starting to have my hyper-ventilation breathing which just feels like I'm not breathing naturally but no one else notices and I did not sleep good because of this. I am feeling sleepy now because I took a clonazapam. I am not going to go to sleep though because I have so much other stuff to do. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. That's another thing I need to work on is getting myself on a schedule. Don't know if that'll happen. LOL.

Facing Anxiety Today

My Sunday did not go so well. I felt sad almost all day. I know that hormones for woman can play a part but I don't know if that's why or not. I experience sadness and depression sometimes for no reason and other times it for a reason I feel I have no control over. In August I got my daughter's ears pierced. We were at the mall having her pictures taken and it had been a long day. I don't even know what I was thinking because the thought of her getting them pierced drove me crazy since I am scared mindlessly about contamination and her possibly getting something from it. I wasn't going to let the OCD rule but it sure has ever since that moment. I have been filled with fear and anxiety over the possibility of  hiv/aids from piercing. I have been told it's highly unlikely but I can't seem to shake this fear. I have always been freaked out about blood and the possibility of hiv/aids. I don't even like writing the word because if I read it or see it, it takes me now to this dreadful place of hopelessness and worry. I also worry because of "me" her earrings are not "exactly" the same on each side since I had them move one of the dots before they pierced it. So, I get better and go along not even thinking about it and then for no particular reason these thoughts come flooding back into my mind and take over. I become depressed and anxious. My doctor has told me to start taking clonazapam when I feel this anxiety. It does seem to help bring down the anxiety but the thoughts always there. He prescribed risperdone to help break up the thoughts more but I decided not to take it because I was afraid of the side effects. I currently take fluvoxomine in the evening. I have taken that since 1998. Living with UNCERTAINTY is so overwhelming.