Don't even know what to call this!

WOW!
I have been struggling, big. So, my husband decided instead of taking our SUV in to get the heater fixed which was going to cost a small fortune, him and his dad would fix it. Oh please I hope I remember to never let him work on my car again. I'm really not blaming anyone even though it really sounds like it. Okay I'm not blaming my father-in-law because he was just trying to help.
We drove out to there house which takes about 45 minutes from our house. They decided to drill a hole through the bottom of the glove compartment to try to get inside there to do something to make it work. BIG Mistake!
Fluid started pouring out under the car and into the passenger side on the inside on the floor. Okay, it still makes me feel sick talking about it. This happened a couple days ago and it's gonna take me until we get rid of the car to get over it and then I still won't be over it because when he brought our car home stuff was leaking out onto my driveway. The contamination issue is just going to go wild for me. My father-in-law offered to pay part to get it fixed, so I told my husband to do it. This still does not solve the problem for my OCD MIND. No it does not. It doesn't matter how much the carpet in that car is scrubbed or cleaned because to me it will never be non-contaminated. To a person without OCD that would take care of the problem. I don't want my kids to ride in the car again and I don't want to ride in the car again. I am so scared. I'm afraid they will breathe it in and it will cause harm to them. Now I have to drive our 1989 Volvo with over 200,000 miles on it and it won't be running for long. This is how OCD works and it is not pretty. It makes me feel mentally ill when I am stuck in the heat of the OCD moment. I say to myself, why me?
I was a real mean person the last few days too. I'm normally a very nice person to be around. I had to apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry and to just be patient with me. It's hard too, because my son is a sophomore in highschool and he's embarrassed to be riding in the Volvo. Money is real tight right now.  I want to try to get an inexpensive smaller car for me.  I'm really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am actually dreading it. We have to go back over to my in-laws house and I'm also embarrassed for the way I got all upset and was crying and couldn't eat dinner when we were there because of my contamination fears and my car was RUINED. My husband does not understand OCD and doesn't want to understand it and he just gets mad at me. That makes it all the worse when your spouse is unsupportive. I feel pretty much all alone when it comes to dealing with my OCD.

What is that? Battery acid? Hair color dilemmas.

One of my obsessions is battery acid. I think it's a typical ocd obsession. I do not like handling batteries. I used to do it with no problem but not for a few years now. I would wear gloves to handle them. I have notice something in my microwave for a while but keep forgetting to clean it. I finally did it today. I threw away my bowl of oatmeal this morning because I thought I heard a weird noise and then made up stuff in my mind and didn't want to eat it. I took started to clean the microwave and it was a brown greasy looking stuff. Then I thought is this battery acid or what is it even though I'm pretty sure there is no battery in it. That doesn't stop my ocd from believing there might be. There is a few places that it looks like got corroded and looks like rust. It think "rationally" must be some butter that got melted and overflowed and never cleaned so it sat there and caused that to happen. The "irrational" part of me is that it is something dangerous. I put on my gloves and finish cleaning it. I actually do not have gloves on now as I type which is surprising because I do not like to contaminate my keyboard. I thought about throwing my microwave away but I didn't. I have washed my hands alot though because the gooey stuff did get on my hands.
I did something this week that I haven't done in several years. I painted my toenails. I figured I could handle it on my toes because I would not be cooking with them or putting them in my mouth.
I have been trying to find a method to color my hair without chemicals. I tryed a test patch two times with henna. It didn't get the color I wanted. I want to try my whole head but I'm scared. I'm afraid it will do something to me or interact with my anti-depressant (luvox). I have colored my hair with regular chemical hair color but I can't do it now. I am too afraid of long term affects of it and of getting it in my eyes. It seems like henna would be the best choice. I don't like that I have to leave it on a couple hours. I have my 20 year highschool reunion this Saturday. I wanted to cover my grays. I also am going back to school this fall and would like to cover my grays. I didn't care as much until now because I'm a stay-at-home mom so it's just trips to the store, school, sports and so on.

Yesterday was a hard day

I've had some pretty good days lately. Yesterday, the stress levels were high with OCD in full force. My day started with going to get groceries. I had got into a line to pay when I realized when I went through that particular cashiers line before she had several bandaids on each hand. I looked at her hands and she had a bandaid on her finger. It was too late to back out since there wasn't anyone in line in front of me. I thought about saying I forgot to get something and back out but I didn't. That started a hard day. I came home and washed alot of the outside packages of food and put some things in different bags from home. That went on all day and even into this morning.I didn't throw anything away though.

I then went to the pet store to get shampoo for my dog. I have gone to so many stores to get her shampoo and haven't been able to get it because it is placed by flea products. I don't use any flea products on my dog and she doesn't have fleas. She has had them but I then have to comb her out and bathe her until I get rid of them. I have put flea stuff on her and I can't stand it. Then I don't want to pet her or my children to touch her. One time I was putting the flea stuff on her and some got on my finger. That was so not cool. I look back on it now though sometimes to help get me through other things. If I got that on me and I survived then I guess I'll be okay. Anyway, back to the subject I was on. I got some shampoo but then I got home and realized it was an odor control shampoo. It had some ingredient in it that was going to bother me. I didn't try to buy that type of shampoo. I went back to return it and the lady talked me into getting another kind that I should not have got because below it on the shelf which had some small holes in the shelf was a spray bottle of flea and tick insecticide. So for me that means that somehow vapors will escape from that bottle and get on the shampoo that sat right above it. If it doesn't somehow get inside it will get on the outside of the bottle. I don't know why I even got it. I guess I thought I could handle it. I should know myself better by now. Now it sits in the garage a $7.99 bottle of shampoo that costs way more than the shampoo I buy for myself. I probably will just throw it away. I thought maybe I could pour it out into a different empty bottle but I just don't know. I don't even want to deal with it now. I was so exhausted by the end of the night. It's amazing how OCD can really wear a person out. I am trying to take it easy today and I am just staying home and relaxing.

Shoe rack and Hair color

I keep trying to find a solution for organizing the mess of shoes by our front entryway. I finally bought a  storage rack for them but yes there was a problem. I thought I'd be fine with it but it got the best of me. I don't like pressed wood products because they contain formaldyhyde. I probably didn't spell that right. So, new things smell new and the reason is because of the VOC's or off gassing of CHEMICALS. I used to like it when things smelled new. So, we all had our shoes in there the other night and I had to get out of bed to take them out and go put the cabinet in the garage. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'd take it back but my husband had to put it together and part of it he had to use nails. He said I'd have to take it apart it I was going to take it back. I probably could talk him into it, but I also hate taking things back to the store. I'm trying not to think about it because after all it is just a stupid shoe rack.

Now, for the hair color. I used to color my hair every so often to cover the few grays I had. I now have alot more grays in the front of my hair that I want to cover up because they stick out and don't look good. I have gotten more scared the past few times I've colored my hair about getting in it my eyes when I rinse it out. I was going to do it today. I was all ready and then I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to feel the discomfort. I haven't gotten any in my eyes before but the water runs on my face by my eyes and then I am sure I must have got some in there and I'm really afraid I'll go blind. So, now it's another step back in my life of things I can't do. I went to see my doctor who prescribes my medications last week. I told him my husband thinks I am worse now than ever. The doctor thinks I seem to be doing okay. I was taking clonazopam up to twice a day as needed. I told him I do much better if I do take one in the morning and then usually don't have to take another that day. He told me just to start taking one every morning and then one later in the day if I need to. I told him I am afraid to take too many because I don't want to damage my liver. He said my dosage is so low that it should be fine. He does like to get blood work done yearly though so he said I could go ahead and get that done and my cholesterol. I told him I have been blogging about my ocd and he thought that was great and that I was meeting others who had ocd like me so I don't feel like I'm the only person who is like this.

I don't have cable, but I found the episodes of the OCD Project that a few of you have mentioned. I am excited to watch. I watched the first episode the other day. I am hopeful to learn some things.

Poison

One thing that strongly affects me by having OCD is that I am very afraid of poisons and chemicals. I especially do not like any kind of pesticide. They just freak me out. My husband used to use fertlizer and weed and feed on our yard and it took a while of watching me and me begging, but he finally stopped using them. He used to take such pride in his lush green grass and now doesn't really care about it anymore. I enjoy it now since I can walk on it without freaking out. Any thought of getting a pesticide on me or breathing it in can ruin a day for me. I may not want to touch anything "important" because it might contaminate it or even cook dinner because I might have some on my hands no matter how many times I wash them. I seem to always run into someone applying pesticides no matter where I go. I pulled into the veterinarian's office parking lot this morning to get dog food. I drove right through and left because I could tell they had totally doused the weeds ( and there were a lot) in herbacide. They were yellowing so I'm fairly certain they sprayed them. Guess I need to figure out how I'm going to get my dog's food since she has to be on a special diet.