Movie and needle anxiety

 Today I took my daughter to see a movie. Well of course a fear happens. She was kneeling on the edge of the chair while we were trying to decide where to sit and she said something poked her. Supposedly this is an "urban legend" but I remember hearing about people putting hiv infected needles in movie theatre chairs. I felt around there and felt something kind of poky but I really don't know. I was looking doing my "research" to try and console myself but I still have that icky feeling of not knowing. I looked on a website I think it's called the body. It's all about hiv and a doctor gives lots of info who is actually infected by hiv from a patient during a procedure he was doing.  It's just like WHY? WHY ? I want to swear and I don't swear.

Scared

I have had a very emotional day today.
I took my daughter in to get her tummy checked since it's been bothering her. I guess she was due for her yearly check-up so we did that when we were there. If you've been reading my blog the past week you know what I've been dealing with. I couldn't decide if my daughter had to get blood drawn if I should go ahead and have the hiv test done too since it's all in on poke. She did have to get blood drawn and I went ahead and did the hiv also. When I asked her doctor about doing it she said we can do it if it makes me sleep better at night. It doesn't sound like she was happy with me. She told me last year when I told her about my concern that we could do a test even though she felt it wasn't necessary. I feel sick about it and then thought to myself I shouldn't have done it. They said it takes 2 to 10 days for the results. That's like an eternity. I've let my OCD defeat me. I was so upset when I got home. I'm upping my clonazepam for a while. My birthday is  Sunday.  It seems like something always goes on around my birthday with OCD. I felt like I wanted to call and tell them to cancel the test but then what good would that do? Now it's done. I can pray and hope for the best.
My Mother is also still in the hospital. She had bariatric surgery done on Wednesday. She was supposed to go home today but is having some complications. They found she is having leakage and now she is back in surgery. This is also causing alot of anxiety for me. I love my mom. It's not fun dealing with this when she has always been a healthy person and such an important person to me. I haven't even been able to go see her because I have been sick all week with a fever and congestion.
I think I've reached a low point right now. God please give me strength, hope, encouragement and please bring health and healing upon my mom and my family. Amen.

Not doing so good today

I've been on here alot lately and that's not a good thing. The less I write the better I am doing. First of all I have had the flu for the past few days. I am very achey. My daughter had it earlier in the week and my husband stayed home yesterday because he had it. I just take and ibuprofen every six to eight hours and it helps. I think I have a respiratory infection and fever. My back is aching now and this anxiety I am feeling about HIV again is really making things worse. My mom is having bariatric bypass surgery tomorrow for weight loss. She has struggled with her weight for many years so now has decided to do this. I'm sure this is adding to my anxiety too. I have to babysit my 3 year old nephew tomorrow and Friday. I usually watch him every Monday and Tuesday but my Mom and Dad usually watch him the other days so we traded because of the surgery.  My daughter has and appointment on Friday to get her tummy checked since she keeps saying she has a tummy ache. If she has to have blood drawn I wonder if I should just have the hiv test done too. I can't stand the thought of it. I know I am making myself miserable now but the thought of the waiting and all that for the results makes me want to vomit. If the result was negative I'm sure I would be very happy and I wouldn't think the results were false and I would move on. It' the what if they were positive. Of course the appointment isn't until Friday so I have all that time to sit and OBSESS. I just feel like such a loser when I feel like this. I feel so weak and afraid and embarrased that I keep bringing this up. How can it be that it goes away and I don't worry about it and then I see blood from my daughter pulling her tooth out and WHAM it just comes back to haunt me and torture me. I just want to wake up from this bad dream I am having.

Fear

Here returns a haunting fear of mine. It comes and goes. When it's here it's bad. It takes me to a place where I dread going. A place I always think I never want to return. Why does it go away and then come back. I guess it's always in the back of my mind and then when it wants it viciously invades and takes over and drags me down with it. With my OCD, I have a terrible fear of aids/hiv. I used to fear myself getting it but not to an extreme. My daughter got her ears pierced two years ago. I knew that it would cause great anxiety for me. I try to be brave and not let my OCD get in the way of my children doing things. I let her do it. It was a really hard decision. The moment they pierced them I was strucken with total fear and my mind went crazy. She was crying to, so that made my anxiety even worse. Oh, it hurts to even go to that place. I didn't want to get out of bed the next day. The feelings of depression, doom, and what have I done all were so real. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I was sure she probably got hiv from it. I still get so afraid of it. I am just as afraid to have her tested for it. Today I am feeling those anxieties again. If she gets sick or bleeds or has to go the the doctors it makes it worse. She pulled out her tooth yesterday and came out in the kitchen with blood everywhere. Then I feel bad thinking I can't even touch her blood because it could be contaminated. This makes me feel awful. She was helping me cut vegetables up for stew on Saturday and she cut nicked her finger. She said she didn't cut herself but then I noticed she had a bandaid on. I decided not to serve or eat the soup. This is just confirming my fears and making it seem more real but WHAT IF? I'm more concerned about her actually having it than me catching it because I'd rather have it too if she did. She does have a doctor's appointment on Friday that I just scheduled because her tummy has been aching on and off for a month. I get high anxiety because I feel like if I go to the doctor's I should just have her blood tested and then that gives me anxiety beyond belief and it just feels awful.  I've posted about this before and I really was hoping not to have to post about it again. It just is a way for me to process my feelings when there's really no way to process and be content until I have 100% certainty. I tell myself if I just get her tested I'll know one way or another. Is this the solution? If I did get her tested and she was fine then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Am I being ignorant if I don't get her tested? Lord, help me cause I so need you now. The fear is here again. It's taking over and bringing me down with it. UP and DOWN is what OCD does to me and I never know when to expect it. It comes out of nowhere and turns my world upside down and yet I have to function and still take care of my family when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

It's been a wild ocd filled weekend and yesterday

I have been filled with lots of anxiety over the last few days. Saturday was full of anxiety over a kid getting a bloody nose at my daughter's basketball game. The blood dripped all across the gym floor as the kid was running for the bathroom. They wiped the many blood spots up with a towel and I didn't see any disinfectants anywhere. The game went on. All I could think about was that my daughter would be touching a ball that probably would bounce on some of those places where the blood had been. Then when she sat down to get a drink of water she opened her water bottle the part that goes in her mouth with her hands. Then she started wiggling her loose tooth. I had to go over there and tell her to keep her hands out of her mouth and off her face. After the game I went over there with my little bottle of hand sanitizer to squirt on her hands. I had to do it twice because once just wasn't enough. I do feel bad that I do this to my kids. She says it's annoying. Yes, it is annoying. The rest of the day I was paranoid because of the entryway in our house that could be contaminated with blood from our shoes and the inside of the car.

Sunday was a whole new set of worries. I let my daughter and the neighbor girl play at the end of our driveway in the whatever it is the dirt sand stuff that builds up I guess it run off the gutters. They didn't ask if they could play in it they just did. They got there swimming suits on because they were getting it wet and playing in it. So, it didn't hit me until Sunday morning a What have I done? Hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter said she was itchy that evening and her friend came over the next day and said she was itchy. I thought oh great was there chemicals, pesticides who knows what in there from runoff. I was not happy. I was scared. My husband said they're just being kids.

I have to say i am very afraid of x-rays because of radiation. I freak when I have to get the regular few. I was prepared to have a full mouth set yesterday for my check-up. I didn't know exactly what or how many this was. I thought it was going to be a scan or something. I declined it five years ago when they wanted to do it. I was informed half way through it was a total of 18 x-rays. Oh, that wasn't cool. I took extra vitamin C hoping that would help my body. It didn't bother me so much until last night. I started worrying. I had to get on the computer to look up stuff on x-rays. I called the dentist office today for some "reassurance". They usually like to tell me it's like walking outside comparing the amount of radiation I find it hard to believe. When I talked to thereceptionist this morning she helped me put my mind at ease as much as possible. She said it's such a little amount and that she just had hers done tto and then went and had an MRI the same day.She said she mentioned to them she had just had several dental x-rays earlier that day. She said they just laughed and told her it's such a small amount that it was fine. Alrighty then! I guess I'll just take my vitamin C, fish oil, multi-vitamin, vitamin D and green tea I bought today. I hope it helps. I really hope I have a better day today.

Facing Anxiety Today

My Sunday did not go so well. I felt sad almost all day. I know that hormones for woman can play a part but I don't know if that's why or not. I experience sadness and depression sometimes for no reason and other times it for a reason I feel I have no control over. In August I got my daughter's ears pierced. We were at the mall having her pictures taken and it had been a long day. I don't even know what I was thinking because the thought of her getting them pierced drove me crazy since I am scared mindlessly about contamination and her possibly getting something from it. I wasn't going to let the OCD rule but it sure has ever since that moment. I have been filled with fear and anxiety over the possibility of  hiv/aids from piercing. I have been told it's highly unlikely but I can't seem to shake this fear. I have always been freaked out about blood and the possibility of hiv/aids. I don't even like writing the word because if I read it or see it, it takes me now to this dreadful place of hopelessness and worry. I also worry because of "me" her earrings are not "exactly" the same on each side since I had them move one of the dots before they pierced it. So, I get better and go along not even thinking about it and then for no particular reason these thoughts come flooding back into my mind and take over. I become depressed and anxious. My doctor has told me to start taking clonazapam when I feel this anxiety. It does seem to help bring down the anxiety but the thoughts always there. He prescribed risperdone to help break up the thoughts more but I decided not to take it because I was afraid of the side effects. I currently take fluvoxomine in the evening. I have taken that since 1998. Living with UNCERTAINTY is so overwhelming.