Anxiety overload

The last couple weeks I have just felt so overwhelmed with anxiety. It has been affecting me physically. I have been carrrying it all in my neck and shoulders and having alot of headaches. My dog is barking right now and it sounds like a mega phone blasting in my ears. I always am sensitive to noise but when anxiety is high then it's worse. I know that I haven't been taking my clonazepam and there would be some relief with that but I just don't want to become dependant on it. It is an addictive drug which I don't feel addicted too and my doctor said it's such a low dose I shouldn't become addicted. It's probably my ocd that thinks I shouldn't take it. I did read something saying that your body can have a hard time relaxing itself if you have been taking a benzopene for a long period of time. I'm pretty sure some excercise would help but easier said than done. I have such a hard time getting myself or finding a method of excercise since I experience social anxiety as well. My breathing has been in a hyper-ventilation way even though others wouldn't notice. My shoulders and back just aching and on fire then causing sore muscles throughout my back up into my neck and causing headaches. I've had to take ibuprofen every day and lay with a heating pad on my neck and back. It mostly all started when I decided I was going to stop watching my toddler nephew. I have been watching him for several years and I decided I'm done. I just felt so guilty about it. There are some other issues in the family too but I know that really got me going. Once my body starts feeling that way it takes a while for it to feel better.
Thankfully the sun was out yesterday and today. That is always nice.

I just don't get it.

Going through the motions is how I feel alot.
I have such a hard time staying focused on anything I am doing. I am a stay-at-home mom to my beautiful and wonderful children. I have been home now for 8 years. I have worked before that pretty much full time since I was 16 and earlier than that babysitting. I know I have symptoms of depression and of social anxiety. What really bothers me is feeling out of control. I feel tired alot and hopeless. I really don't look forward to anything which is very sad. I try to enjoy my life but I get stressed out and I find myself being angrier than I've felt before. I get irritated easily. I just feel like a blob. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like I try to do something and then I just don't do it. I don't have motivation. I have been trying to find out about getting a job as a substitute school cook so I can work the same as school hours but I haven't been able to get ahold of the person who does the hiring. So, the way my mind works is I start to think of reasons why I shouldn't work and I start to change my mind. I really want to make candles and have wanted to for a while but it's like I can't get started it's like I am literally stuck. I find a reason or excuse for everything. I feel like someone is sitting on me holding me back. Another thing I'm wondering about is if anyone else with OCD experiences sensitivity to noise or patterns of noise. It starts to make me crazy if I hear the same phrase repeated over and over or noises sound alot louder and more bothersome to me than to other people. My head starts to spin is how I explain it. I also have noticed this year and I don't think it's from my burt's bee lip shine, is some days more than not my tongue has this weird tingling sensation and it almost drives me nuts. I asked my internal medicine doctor about it but she didn't know. I asked my head doctor if it could be caused by my fluvoxomine and he said it could but I still am not sure. Some days it makes me feel like I want to rip my tongue out it's that bothersome. The sun is shining here today and I am still feeling that depression setting in. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel happy. I want to feel happy again.

It's been a wild ocd filled weekend and yesterday

I have been filled with lots of anxiety over the last few days. Saturday was full of anxiety over a kid getting a bloody nose at my daughter's basketball game. The blood dripped all across the gym floor as the kid was running for the bathroom. They wiped the many blood spots up with a towel and I didn't see any disinfectants anywhere. The game went on. All I could think about was that my daughter would be touching a ball that probably would bounce on some of those places where the blood had been. Then when she sat down to get a drink of water she opened her water bottle the part that goes in her mouth with her hands. Then she started wiggling her loose tooth. I had to go over there and tell her to keep her hands out of her mouth and off her face. After the game I went over there with my little bottle of hand sanitizer to squirt on her hands. I had to do it twice because once just wasn't enough. I do feel bad that I do this to my kids. She says it's annoying. Yes, it is annoying. The rest of the day I was paranoid because of the entryway in our house that could be contaminated with blood from our shoes and the inside of the car.

Sunday was a whole new set of worries. I let my daughter and the neighbor girl play at the end of our driveway in the whatever it is the dirt sand stuff that builds up I guess it run off the gutters. They didn't ask if they could play in it they just did. They got there swimming suits on because they were getting it wet and playing in it. So, it didn't hit me until Sunday morning a What have I done? Hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter said she was itchy that evening and her friend came over the next day and said she was itchy. I thought oh great was there chemicals, pesticides who knows what in there from runoff. I was not happy. I was scared. My husband said they're just being kids.

I have to say i am very afraid of x-rays because of radiation. I freak when I have to get the regular few. I was prepared to have a full mouth set yesterday for my check-up. I didn't know exactly what or how many this was. I thought it was going to be a scan or something. I declined it five years ago when they wanted to do it. I was informed half way through it was a total of 18 x-rays. Oh, that wasn't cool. I took extra vitamin C hoping that would help my body. It didn't bother me so much until last night. I started worrying. I had to get on the computer to look up stuff on x-rays. I called the dentist office today for some "reassurance". They usually like to tell me it's like walking outside comparing the amount of radiation I find it hard to believe. When I talked to thereceptionist this morning she helped me put my mind at ease as much as possible. She said it's such a little amount and that she just had hers done tto and then went and had an MRI the same day.She said she mentioned to them she had just had several dental x-rays earlier that day. She said they just laughed and told her it's such a small amount that it was fine. Alrighty then! I guess I'll just take my vitamin C, fish oil, multi-vitamin, vitamin D and green tea I bought today. I hope it helps. I really hope I have a better day today.

Experiencing anxiety

That's not an uncommon thing in my life. Some days are just filled with more anxiety than others. I kind of has myself worked up this morning and a few days off and on because of some tenderness or soreness on my inner legs and arms. I know I don't help matters by pinching and prodding at it.  I worry. I think about the worst. I try to just focus on God when this happens but fear overtakes and I know I should not fear because that's what God tells me. I haven't freaked out about myself for a while. Usually, it's with my kids now. I thought I was over ME. Guess not. I did take a clonazapam yesterday and today. It doesn't seem to be helping much this morning. The worst thing about having these catastrophic fears is it can ruin my whole day if I let it. I have to go grocery shopping today and it feels overwhelming right now. My breathing is even off key. God please give me strength to face my day.

Still in the cloudiness of anxiety

Today is stilled filled with anxiety. I am taking my clonazapam to help relieve my anxiousness. I still debate weather I should take the risperidone that I haven't ever taken. I am afraid of the side effects. I am tired today and I think it is due to the time change.

Good Morning! This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. So have a good day.

This is from a book I have of Words of Encouragement. If only I could truely have that attitude and be able to give it all to God. I know he can handle it but somehow I have trouble giving it all to him. I so desperately want to.