Living with constant FEAR

I really try to tell and remind and pray that I can surrender to God and not give into fear. God tells me to FEAR NOT. I need to listen to him.

I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!

Fear will knock you down

I have a problem and the problem is obviously OCD but I am afraid. I am very afraid. I live a life full of fear. I am a believer of the almighty God and he tells me DO NOT FEAR but I do. My life is getting scarier by the day. I am allowing it to happen. I am starting to think the ERP might be helpful. I was to afraid to think about it or contemplate it before. It's just always something getting in the way of me living a normal life. I found this job that sounds perfect for me but I'm afraid to apply because it's in a house that was built in the 1890's and that probably means asbestos somewhere. This morning I went outside and I had stupidly parked my husband's car in the driveway since he used mine to go out of town this weekend. Now, there is a wet circle of antifreeze? I don't know what it is but I don't like it. It probably is antifreeze since it was leaking it before but my husband had said it wasn't leaking anymore so I parked it in the driveway. Now I have that to deal with. I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I always sound like a wreak on here but that's because this is my place for that. My venting place. I try to hide this from other people except my husband and parents which I try but can't seem to. I'm afraid to live. I want to live and have a fun life. My life is not much fun these days. Yes, I have happy moments but I have alot of wasted time and worry in my life because of OCD. Again, this is not a place to feel sorry for me because that's not my reason for writing. Support is always good. I am trying to make and effort to comment on your blogs because I know you need support too but OCD stops me from that alot too.

Scared

I have had a very emotional day today.
I took my daughter in to get her tummy checked since it's been bothering her. I guess she was due for her yearly check-up so we did that when we were there. If you've been reading my blog the past week you know what I've been dealing with. I couldn't decide if my daughter had to get blood drawn if I should go ahead and have the hiv test done too since it's all in on poke. She did have to get blood drawn and I went ahead and did the hiv also. When I asked her doctor about doing it she said we can do it if it makes me sleep better at night. It doesn't sound like she was happy with me. She told me last year when I told her about my concern that we could do a test even though she felt it wasn't necessary. I feel sick about it and then thought to myself I shouldn't have done it. They said it takes 2 to 10 days for the results. That's like an eternity. I've let my OCD defeat me. I was so upset when I got home. I'm upping my clonazepam for a while. My birthday is  Sunday.  It seems like something always goes on around my birthday with OCD. I felt like I wanted to call and tell them to cancel the test but then what good would that do? Now it's done. I can pray and hope for the best.
My Mother is also still in the hospital. She had bariatric surgery done on Wednesday. She was supposed to go home today but is having some complications. They found she is having leakage and now she is back in surgery. This is also causing alot of anxiety for me. I love my mom. It's not fun dealing with this when she has always been a healthy person and such an important person to me. I haven't even been able to go see her because I have been sick all week with a fever and congestion.
I think I've reached a low point right now. God please give me strength, hope, encouragement and please bring health and healing upon my mom and my family. Amen.

Not doing so good today

I've been on here alot lately and that's not a good thing. The less I write the better I am doing. First of all I have had the flu for the past few days. I am very achey. My daughter had it earlier in the week and my husband stayed home yesterday because he had it. I just take and ibuprofen every six to eight hours and it helps. I think I have a respiratory infection and fever. My back is aching now and this anxiety I am feeling about HIV again is really making things worse. My mom is having bariatric bypass surgery tomorrow for weight loss. She has struggled with her weight for many years so now has decided to do this. I'm sure this is adding to my anxiety too. I have to babysit my 3 year old nephew tomorrow and Friday. I usually watch him every Monday and Tuesday but my Mom and Dad usually watch him the other days so we traded because of the surgery.  My daughter has and appointment on Friday to get her tummy checked since she keeps saying she has a tummy ache. If she has to have blood drawn I wonder if I should just have the hiv test done too. I can't stand the thought of it. I know I am making myself miserable now but the thought of the waiting and all that for the results makes me want to vomit. If the result was negative I'm sure I would be very happy and I wouldn't think the results were false and I would move on. It' the what if they were positive. Of course the appointment isn't until Friday so I have all that time to sit and OBSESS. I just feel like such a loser when I feel like this. I feel so weak and afraid and embarrased that I keep bringing this up. How can it be that it goes away and I don't worry about it and then I see blood from my daughter pulling her tooth out and WHAM it just comes back to haunt me and torture me. I just want to wake up from this bad dream I am having.

Weekly anxiety

1. Garage covered in sawdust- I would clean it but it's overwhelming for me now. I don't want to breathe in
     any dust.

2. Pool- I have added some chemicals but need to go get a different one I haven't added yet. It causes alot
    of anxiety for me to transport the chemicals in my car and to put them in the pool. I am probably one of
    the few people that wear gloves and some sort of protective eye covering to do it.

3. Feeling fat- My clothes are feeling tighter from lack of excercise. I was doing jazzercise last year and felt
    good but I quit and haven't joined again. I don't know if I will. It's kind of a social anxiety thing. I always
    have so many excuses not to do things and I just give up.

4. The weather-it's been very cloudy here until the afternoon and it doesn't help with mood.

5. My dryer heating element-went out so now I have a heap of dirty clothes.

I always feel like I'm complaining but these things are so real and it does help to write it and share it. I feels so great to know there are people out here that go through the same challenges in different ways as me and understand.

Panic

It is 4:00 a.m. at this moment. I am awake and and panicing. Last night we worked on the laminate flooring again. This stuff is not as easy to put in as I thought it was supposed to be. I was great and probably would still be fine until my loving relative that was helping us decided to use the jig saw in the kitchen to cut out the shape of the air vent and of course right over the air vent. I was not happy about that. My husband drew the shape on the previous ones and took them outside to do it. Now, I'm freaking out because I know dust went down into the vent and I can't reach that far to clean it out so it will blow out into the air me and my family are breathing. My husband vacuumed it up which was nice but now my vacuum is contaminated too. The issue I'm having is not just about sawdust. It's something I mentioned in a previous post that there is a hard layer of what's called aluminum oxide to protect the floor. I am so scared of breathing it in and of my kids breathing it in. I already have a fear of breathing in anything that is not clean air because I'm afraid of things getting stuck in my lungs. I just feel hopeless and like crying right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a poisoned house now. I feel like it's hard to breathe but I know it's because I am panicing. My husband got called into work very early this morning so that's why I'm up. I cleaned the floor off and other surfaces in the kitchen with a damp cloth.  My nose is stuffy so I can't help but think it's from the dust. I'm sad because I don't want the dust and what's in it to hurt us. I am sick of this and now I think it would have been better to keep the carpet. It just makes me so mad that he did the cutting in here over the vent. I love him and I know he didn't mean to make me feel this way but because of my OCD I am very mad and scared and sad right now. Today is probably going to be a challenge for me. I am babysitting my two year old nephew also. If I can't go back to sleep I am probably going to be grouchy too. I don't want to turn the air conditioning on because I don't want it to blow the stuff out. When I feel like this I just want to crawl into a little ball and cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. I know God tells me not to be anxious about anything and maybe I need to cast my anxieties on him because he cares for me.

Experiencing anxiety

That's not an uncommon thing in my life. Some days are just filled with more anxiety than others. I kind of has myself worked up this morning and a few days off and on because of some tenderness or soreness on my inner legs and arms. I know I don't help matters by pinching and prodding at it.  I worry. I think about the worst. I try to just focus on God when this happens but fear overtakes and I know I should not fear because that's what God tells me. I haven't freaked out about myself for a while. Usually, it's with my kids now. I thought I was over ME. Guess not. I did take a clonazapam yesterday and today. It doesn't seem to be helping much this morning. The worst thing about having these catastrophic fears is it can ruin my whole day if I let it. I have to go grocery shopping today and it feels overwhelming right now. My breathing is even off key. God please give me strength to face my day.