Hair Color

How do I color my hair? 

Well, I used to use semi-permanent hair colors to color my grays when I began getting some in my 30's.  I didn't have a problem with it, in fact I was a licensed hair stylist for a few years.  

I am now in my early 40's and I am getting more grays.  A few years ago I started to color with my hair with henna, which is supposed to be more natural.  The last couple times I colored my hair I started to get anxiety and panic.  I usually color my hair in the morning and then in the evening I started to feel panic set in.  I had no side effects or anything, but OCD likes to make EVERYTHING dangerous. So, I started to worry about what it could do to me and if it gets into my body.  What could it do to me?  Now, I need to color my hair again as the gray is making it's way out.  I am thinking about not doing it again and letting my gray grow out which would cause a whole other set of issues. I really don't want to have gray hair yet.  I would feel embarrassed and insecure. I am already an insecure person with not a whole bunch of self-confidence.  So, today I got myself worked up thinking about what to do. I have also been doing a lot of watching you tube videos on transitioning to gray and looking up pictures of people with gray hair.  

Today I was thinking, wow, we here in America are so worried about gray hair.  People in other countries have so much bigger things to worry about.  Why are we so worried about our looks here?  I am liking that gray is a trend now, but it seems it's only trendy if you don't naturally have gray and you get it colored to look like that. 
I really don't know what I'm going to do.  

I was reading through some blog posts and I have been using henna since 2012. I wasn't sure when I started using it. Good to know. I want to know why things that were okay, all of a sudden cause fear with OCD?  This has happened with many other things as well. 

Also, I can't just color my hair whenever I want. I have to do it in the morning so that I can make sure I can go all day without having an allergic reaction before bed.  If I do it too close to bed, I will worry that something might happen during the night.  I do know that these are IRRATIONAL FEARS, but OCD doesn't care.  It treats them as if they are real and then my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicks in.  Can anyone relate with this?

Living with constant FEAR

I really try to tell and remind and pray that I can surrender to God and not give into fear. God tells me to FEAR NOT. I need to listen to him.

I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!

What is that? Battery acid? Hair color dilemmas.

One of my obsessions is battery acid. I think it's a typical ocd obscession. I do not like handling batteries. I used to do it with no problem but not for a few years now. I would wear gloves to handle them. I have notice something in my microwave for a while but keep forgetting to clean it. I finally did it today. I threw away my bowl of oatmeal this morning because I thought I heard a weird noise and then made up stuff in my mind and didn't want to eat it. I took started to clean the microwave and it was a brown greasy looking stuff. Then I thought is this battery acid or what is it even though I'm pretty sure there is no battery in it. That doesn't stop my ocd from believing there might be. There is a few places that it looks like got corroded and looks like rust. It think "rationally" must be some butter that got melted and overflowed and never cleaned so it sat there and caused that to happen. The "irrational" part of me is that it is something dangerous. I put on my gloves and finish cleaning it. I actually do not have gloves on now as I type which is surprising because I do not like to contaminate my keyboard. I thought about throwing my microwave away but I didn't. I have washed my hands alot though because the gooey stuff did get on my hands.
I did something this week that I haven't done in several years. I painted my toenails. I figured I could handle it on my toes because I would not be cooking with them or putting them in my mouth.
I have been trying to find a method to color my hair without chemicals. I tryed a test patch two times with henna. It didn't get the color I wanted. I want to try my whole head but I'm scared. I'm afraid it will do something to me or interact with my anti-depressant (luvox). I have colored my hair with regular chemical hair color but I can't do it now. I am too afraid of long term affects of it and of getting it in my eyes. It seems like henna would be the best choice. I don't like that I have to leave it on a couple hours. I have my 20 year highschool reunion this Saturday. I wanted to cover my grays. I also am going back to school this fall and would like to cover my grays. I didn't care as much until now because I'm a stay-at-home mom so it's just trips to the store, school, sports and so on.