Checking in

I write this blog to share my experiences with people and to find people who I can relate with. I do not always have something to write about.
I am always on alert for with that fight or flight feeling but I think I'm doing pretty good right now.  I never know from day to day, but I guess that is true for all of us since life offers us no guarantees and OCD doesn't accept that. It wants a guarantee. This is where I put my faith in God.
I am taking one clonazepam daily and continue to take 3 fluvoxomine nightly. Taking the clonazepam in the morning sure does help me. I wake up and start feeling anxious as the morning progresses otherwise.

Shoe rack and Hair color

I keep trying to find a solution for organizing the mess of shoes by our front entryway. I finally bought a  storage rack for them but yes there was a problem. I thought I'd be fine with it but it got the best of me. I don't like pressed wood products because they contain formaldyhyde. I probably didn't spell that right. So, new things smell new and the reason is because of the VOC's or off gassing of CHEMICALS. I used to like it when things smelled new. So, we all had our shoes in there the other night and I had to get out of bed to take them out and go put the cabinet in the garage. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'd take it back but my husband had to put it together and part of it he had to use nails. He said I'd have to take it apart it I was going to take it back. I probably could talk him into it, but I also hate taking things back to the store. I'm trying not to think about it because after all it is just a stupid shoe rack.

Now, for the hair color. I used to color my hair every so often to cover the few grays I had. I now have alot more grays in the front of my hair that I want to cover up because they stick out and don't look good. I have gotten more scared the past few times I've colored my hair about getting in it my eyes when I rinse it out. I was going to do it today. I was all ready and then I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to feel the discomfort. I haven't gotten any in my eyes before but the water runs on my face by my eyes and then I am sure I must have got some in there and I'm really afraid I'll go blind. So, now it's another step back in my life of things I can't do. I went to see my doctor who prescribes my medications last week. I told him my husband thinks I am worse now than ever. The doctor thinks I seem to be doing okay. I was taking clonazopam up to twice a day as needed. I told him I do much better if I do take one in the morning and then usually don't have to take another that day. He told me just to start taking one every morning and then one later in the day if I need to. I told him I am afraid to take too many because I don't want to damage my liver. He said my dosage is so low that it should be fine. He does like to get blood work done yearly though so he said I could go ahead and get that done and my cholesterol. I told him I have been blogging about my ocd and he thought that was great and that I was meeting others who had ocd like me so I don't feel like I'm the only person who is like this.

I don't have cable, but I found the episodes of the OCD Project that a few of you have mentioned. I am excited to watch. I watched the first episode the other day. I am hopeful to learn some things.

Experiencing anxiety

That's not an uncommon thing in my life. Some days are just filled with more anxiety than others. I kind of has myself worked up this morning and a few days off and on because of some tenderness or soreness on my inner legs and arms. I know I don't help matters by pinching and prodding at it.  I worry. I think about the worst. I try to just focus on God when this happens but fear overtakes and I know I should not fear because that's what God tells me. I haven't freaked out about myself for a while. Usually, it's with my kids now. I thought I was over ME. Guess not. I did take a clonazapam yesterday and today. It doesn't seem to be helping much this morning. The worst thing about having these catastrophic fears is it can ruin my whole day if I let it. I have to go grocery shopping today and it feels overwhelming right now. My breathing is even off key. God please give me strength to face my day.

Holidays

Depression which is also something that comes along with my OCD. I don't know why but every holiday is very emotional for me. I look forward to them but I always seem to just be emotional even if I'm having a good holiday I feel sad. I was like that yesterday and not in a great mood the first part of the day. I don't know if it's the high expectations for the day and matters with family that can make me very sensitive. We were going to spend the day just Me, my husband and children as our parents had other plans. It ended on a good note. My husband's parents came to our house and stayed for dinner. They got done sooner than expected at the previous place. We played games and had fun so that helped my mood. We had a nice ham dinner. I haven't been taking clonazapam for the last few days now which is on a as needed basis. It helps to relieve anxiety to calm the obsessive thoughts. I have felt pretty good. I will take it if I feel I need it though and it does help.

Hanging in there

I am still a little unstable but I'm just keeping on. We had conferences this morning and the kids are off the rest of the week and all of next week for Spring break. We are probably going to go camping at the coast for a few days. I took three of my clonazapams yesterday to help me with my anxiety and I was thinking about trying the risperidone but I just couldn't bring myself there. A part of me just wants to try it to see if it helps but then I hate and am scared of taking medication and especially with those list of side affects. I know I did the same thing before I started on the fluvoxomine several years ago. I just feel like I hate to keep adding more medication. I currently do not meet with a counselor because they don't feel I really need to but I am thinking I need to just to have someone to talk to about my crazy thoughts. It has been helpful and comforting to read the other blogs I have found with people sharing there experience with OCD. Thank you.

Still in the cloudiness of anxiety

Today is stilled filled with anxiety. I am taking my clonazapam to help relieve my anxiousness. I still debate weather I should take the risperidone that I haven't ever taken. I am afraid of the side effects. I am tired today and I think it is due to the time change.

Good Morning! This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. So have a good day.

This is from a book I have of Words of Encouragement. If only I could truely have that attitude and be able to give it all to God. I know he can handle it but somehow I have trouble giving it all to him. I so desperately want to.

Facing Anxiety Today

My Sunday did not go so well. I felt sad almost all day. I know that hormones for woman can play a part but I don't know if that's why or not. I experience sadness and depression sometimes for no reason and other times it for a reason I feel I have no control over. In August I got my daughter's ears pierced. We were at the mall having her pictures taken and it had been a long day. I don't even know what I was thinking because the thought of her getting them pierced drove me crazy since I am scared mindlessly about contamination and her possibly getting something from it. I wasn't going to let the OCD rule but it sure has ever since that moment. I have been filled with fear and anxiety over the possibility of  hiv/aids from piercing. I have been told it's highly unlikely but I can't seem to shake this fear. I have always been freaked out about blood and the possibility of hiv/aids. I don't even like writing the word because if I read it or see it, it takes me now to this dreadful place of hopelessness and worry. I also worry because of "me" her earrings are not "exactly" the same on each side since I had them move one of the dots before they pierced it. So, I get better and go along not even thinking about it and then for no particular reason these thoughts come flooding back into my mind and take over. I become depressed and anxious. My doctor has told me to start taking clonazapam when I feel this anxiety. It does seem to help bring down the anxiety but the thoughts always there. He prescribed risperdone to help break up the thoughts more but I decided not to take it because I was afraid of the side effects. I currently take fluvoxomine in the evening. I have taken that since 1998. Living with UNCERTAINTY is so overwhelming.