Jittery, out of sorts, noise sensitivity

I always have a sensitivity to noises like extreme compared to most people. I think it has something to do with OCD. Today has just been one of those days I woke up and I am moody and just don't feel quite right which to a degree I'm used to. I  have felt like this lots but it's just one of those days. I dislike feeling this way. To top it off I'm again feeling the anxiety about the stupid antifreeze. I went outside and saw my husband pouring water out in the flowerbed from a two liter pepsi bottle. I thought he must have added antifreeze to his car because no one knows how the pepsi bottle got in the garage filled with water. He says he did not put antifreeze in his car but I know he wouldn't say he did because I'd have an OCD meltdown. I'm having one anyway. Now, I don't want to go out to the garage for a while. I'll have to put a stupid rubber glove on the door handle just to go out to the garage to put some recycling out there. Nice. I'm just in the middle of an OCD moment. That sounds like it should be a song.

Fear will knock you down

I have a problem and the problem is obviously OCD but I am afraid. I am very afraid. I live a life full of fear. I am a believer of the almighty God and he tells me DO NOT FEAR but I do. My life is getting scarier by the day. I am allowing it to happen. I am starting to think the ERP might be helpful. I was to afraid to think about it or contemplate it before. It's just always something getting in the way of me living a normal life. I found this job that sounds perfect for me but I'm afraid to apply because it's in a house that was built in the 1890's and that probably means asbestos somewhere. This morning I went outside and I had stupidly parked my husband's car in the driveway since he used mine to go out of town this weekend. Now, there is a wet circle of antifreeze? I don't know what it is but I don't like it. It probably is antifreeze since it was leaking it before but my husband had said it wasn't leaking anymore so I parked it in the driveway. Now I have that to deal with. I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I always sound like a wreak on here but that's because this is my place for that. My venting place. I try to hide this from other people except my husband and parents which I try but can't seem to. I'm afraid to live. I want to live and have a fun life. My life is not much fun these days. Yes, I have happy moments but I have alot of wasted time and worry in my life because of OCD. Again, this is not a place to feel sorry for me because that's not my reason for writing. Support is always good. I am trying to make and effort to comment on your blogs because I know you need support too but OCD stops me from that alot too.

Movie and needle anxiety

 Today I took my daughter to see a movie. Well of course a fear happens. She was kneeling on the edge of the chair while we were trying to decide where to sit and she said something poked her. Supposedly this is an "urban legend" but I remember hearing about people putting hiv infected needles in movie theatre chairs. I felt around there and felt something kind of poky but I really don't know. I was looking doing my "research" to try and console myself but I still have that icky feeling of not knowing. I looked on a website I think it's called the body. It's all about hiv and a doctor gives lots of info who is actually infected by hiv from a patient during a procedure he was doing.  It's just like WHY? WHY ? I want to swear and I don't swear.

I had to take my car the the auto shop today. Not something I was looking forward to. I talked about how my husband was going to work on my brakes but he said he didn't want to deal with it if it was going to bother me so much. I had some other stuff going on with it and I needed an oil change too. I don't like taking it there because I am afraid they may have gotton chemicals on my steering wheel, keys, etc. I cleaned it off and wore some rubber gloves on my way home. I had a new key chain I used because I just recently found it laying around in my house and when I wiped it off after the mechanics it had some dirt on it. I don't know what it was. Does anyone else have such issues with chemicals as I do. I know I remember a fellow blogger saying they had issues with taking their car to the mechanics. I was just wondering because it seems like alot of you don't have issues with chemicals. I know a few of you do. It makes everyday life quite difficult. What do you do to feel safe? I just don't know.

Some good and then some more issues coming soon

I have been doing pretty good lately.  I bought my candle making kit and I have made candles. I even  made some today. The scent fills my whole garage and stays there for quite a while which most people would like but of course I want fresh air. I am proud of myself for following through with a dream I had and not freaking out about it. My goal is to sell candles on etsy and our town's farmers market. They have actually tu rned out pretty nice. It makes me excited that I can do something creative and for myself.
This weekend we got our Christmas tree. We go to a farm and cut it ourselves. I was really not looking forward to it because all our Christmas decorations were near where the antifreeze was living. I wanted to get all new decorations but I knew that wasn't possible. I brought the boxes in and put the lights on the tree. I let my daughter put the ornaments on since she wanted too. I didn't freak out. I still don't want to use the stockings though but we shall see what becomes of that.
I even went into a Goodwill store and looked around the other day which I do not like used stuff because I don't know where it's been or what it's been used for or whatever. It smells weird in there too. Anyway, me and my daughter were laughing so hard in there looking at some of the silly knick knacks.
I had to try to control my laughter because I thought people might wonder if I was drunk which I don't drink so I couldn't have been. I touched a few things too and thought that's a bit of an exposure.
Now, tomorrow I'm dreading because my husband changes our brakes himself. It saves us a bunch money. Well, I used to not like it because the brake pads contain asbestos but now I learned he uses brake fluid too. I never made the connection and asked why he had brake fluid in the garage. Last time he changed the brakes he brought different clothes to wear just for me and left them at his mom's and she said she would wash them at her house which was nice. Now that the brake fluid is in the mix it really makes my OCD flair up. Then the thought of him touching stuff and my steering wheel afterward and coming home and touching stuff because his hands might be contaminated. I'd rather pay almost $300.00 to have a place do it instead of $50.00 but then I wonder if they get any on their hands and touch my steering wheel or keys.  It's just so unpleasant. I have already been to Les Schwab two times last week. I had to get a new car battery and then my husband said my back tire looked low so I took it there to get my tires checked and rotated. I had a nail in my tire and then they informed me about my brakes. My car is also making a loud sound that I think is a fan belt so I'll have to see about that too.
I really just want things to be easy. I get worn down with all of this. It's just always something. The ebbs and flows of life and the many more irrational struggles with OCD.

I make myself sick

Here I am typing with my ridiculous rubber gloves on. I don't know why it seems like my contamination fears of chemicals is getting so much worse lately. I just took the garbage can out to the curb with my rubber glove on and I had a plastic grocery bag but I didn't use it and then I tried to throw it in the garbage but it blew out and I had to pick it up and touch the lid fearing the contamination of the hook in there that we used to transport the antifreeze. I took the garbage out because I knew if my husband did it he wouldn't be wearing gloves.
Yesterday, I had to deal with battery contamination issues. I was at the store and when I got in my car it wouldn't start. I had to get a new battery. The guy who was helping me, his hands were all dirty to start from working. I was afraid that I got battery acid on my keys and car. I had to go home and clean it all off.
I just don't know what the deal is here. I don't know if I need more medication or what is going on. I feel like I did when I wasn't taking any.

Thankfulness and update on antifreeze

Before I write about what I was going to write about I want to say some things I am thankful for since it is Thanksgiving this week and I'm usually complaining about OCD issues on here because that is what this blog is all about.
I want to thank God for without him I could do nothing. I am thankful for my husband and my children. I am thankful for a warm house, food, and clothes. I am thankful for all of you. I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving and find many reasons to give thanks. With that being said onto the nitty gritty of OCD.

If  you have been reading the last few posts, I have been having issues with some antifreeze that has been sitting in my garage. Yesterday, I decided this is enough. I can't take it being in there anymore. I went out to my shed and got some tools and things that I didn't want to get contaminated and brought them into the garage. I was in a dilemma over what to do with the lawn mower though. I didn't want the handle getting contaminated. I did the best I could and covered it with a pool air mattress we don't use. It will have to do because I don't want the lawn mower in my garage because it will smell like gasoline. I went and got on my rubber gloves and found a hook used to hang a shelf up that we didn't need. I told my husband I needed him to help me with something. I told him I wanted him to put on gloves and pick up the antifreeze with the hook and take it to the shed. I had to follow him to make sure he did it right. So, it is out of my garage. I am a bit bothered by the hook he used sitting in my garbage can. I should have had him put it in plastic bag. I did take a bag of garbage out today but I lifted the lid with a plastic bag and threw it in. The lid didn't close all the way so I hope nothing spreads to the outside of my garbage can. This is where I know it sounds a bit over the top and bizarre when I'm writing it, but that's just how OCD plays tricks on me. I know I probably did not handle it the right way by moving the antifreeze to the shed because it's still there and I can forget about it for a while but the issue is still there. I know I should have let my husband just pick up the bottle and take it to the shed without gloves and a hook like a normal person would do but it is what it is. I don't usually make him participate in the rituals but I just didn't know what else to do. I wasn't strong enough. I really like reading comments from anyone that has anything to say or your opinions. It really does help me. Reassurance actually puts a stop to some of my obsessions instead of making them stronger which is usually typical for most people with OCD. God bless you. 

Overwhelmed

It's early on Thursday morning. I still have not found peace about the antifreeze in my garage. It's just bugging the heck out of me. I have felt so much stress from this. I am a bundle of nerves wound up tight and my back muscles are aching. I felt so exhausted in a different way than usual at the end of the day yesterday. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I hate feeling this way. I am going to take a clonazepam this morning so I hopefully can feel some relief. It won't take it away though. I'm just really wanting to know what you would do if you were me? If you aren't sure what I'm talking about, the post just before this one is what it's about. I giggled when talking about it on the phone but it's not funny at all. It's is causing so much strife and here we go again this dance with this dreaded OCD. Please tell me your opinions I need them. Thank You.

Now it's waking me up!

Yes, indeed last night I had a bad dream that involved the much hated ANTIFREEZE that is in my garage.
This morning I woke up around 4:00 a.m. thinking about it and trying to put together a plan of how I'm going to get rid of it. There is also brake fluid out there but antifreeze is bugging me most.  I know to people who don't have OCD this seems so silly. I told my husband it's like theres a monster in the garage when I was trying to explain to him how it makes me feel. He told me there's no such thing as monsters. It's really hard for him to understand my point of view. I told him I get really mad at him when he brings chemicals home when he knows how I feel about them. He said he has to because we can't afford to take the car in to do some things like get the brakes changed or adding antifreeze or whatever. I appreciate him trying to help but I told him it probably costs us more in the long run from the turmoil it causes. He said he will have to get another job then so we can afford to take it somewhere. I know he won't do that and I don't want him to. I told him I could pay his brother and to come get the chemicals and take them to the hazardous waste facility or ask his dad. He didn't respond except explained why he had the chemicals. I don't want my husband to handle the chemicals or put them in his car. It will bother me even if he wears gloves. I'm so afraid of him getting the chemicals on him and bringing them into our home. I now am fearful that things I have stored  in our garage our contaminated. Our Christmas decorations are not sitting far from the antifreeze and I don't know if I'll be able to use them. He said he guesses we won't be decorating for Christmas then. He always tells me I'm getting worse (my OCD) I'm pretty sure I'm not getting WORSE. It's just a viscious cycle. I shame myself and let myself get walked on sometimes because of OCD. It's like this mind set of letting my husband get away with certain comments or behaviors and feeling like I deserve it because of what he has to put up with me and my OCD. I tell him I can't help it. I know I can do things like exposures but I have done that and it just doesn't seem worth it to me for all that it puts me through. It doesn't seem like it really helps and then I almost can't function because I'm freaking out. I wish chemicals didn't bother me. I know people that don't have OCD probably think GET OVER IT. I would if I could. I am refraining from taking a clonazepam. I haven't taken one to help calm me in several weeks. I want to try to feel the fear and accept it and try to go on. It 's just the antifreeze won't leave me alone. I fear it causing harm and coming in through the heater into the house. I have been leaving my garage door open or cracked during the day.

Stuck in a rut with contamination

It seems like everywhere I go shopping lately almost all the cashiers that ring my stuff up have a bandaid on their finger. I know it's probably going to keep happening until I just don't care but I don't know if that'll happen. I threw away a 2 lb. coho salmon last week. I went to the fish market and the lady behind the counter was chatting at the register when I got there. She didn't wash her hands before getting the salmon. She took a plastic square thing and grabbed it and then she put a couple sheets of it on the scale which she got her germs on. She also had a small scab on the outside of her hand. I thought I'd be fine with it but I worried about it the whole evening and next day and then decided just to throw it away. What a waste of $20.00.  Today I went to get a new purse since mine is literally falling apart. The women who rang it up had the end of her thumb wrapped with white tape. I really want to use the purse because I need it and I don't want to return it. I had a hard enough time choosing it. It is my basic black of course. I can't get myself to buy one with that silica gel packet stuff they put in them and I found one that doesn't have it. I made sure I looked inside and made sure no one put any garbage in it or anything. I always check the stuff I buy for blood or any stains or whatever I'm looking for. Now, I feel like my purse it contaminated though. OCD can really take up so much time. Things other normal people just don't even think about. I also threw away a whole bag of frozen broccoli this week because when I was cooking it I noticed a browinsh spot on a piece and was afraid it might be blood. I know I can't just keep throwing stuff away.

BANDAIDS- Oh how I hate thee.

Yes, really, another run in with bandaids this morning as I was getting my groceries rung up at the store. I think the cashier had a couple on each hand. I didn't throw my groceries away today but I had to clean off the outsides of the containers with soap and some things that were in boxes I took out and put into another bag. It sucks. My fear is a fear of getting AIDS. This is a real fear that people with OCD live with. It is so real to me that it feels like this itch that won't go away and leave me alone. Right now I feel very uncomfortable. I could feel comfortable if I threw my groceries away. I can't always do that because we are a one income family and money is very scarce right now. I would feel bad about doing that and I know it's not rational. I try to rationalize by thinking hmm...how many other people have touched this before it got to this store and after? How many people have touched my produce with their grubby hands before I touched it? I'm sure it's alot of people, and I'm sure I'd be OCDing out of control if I knew. I just try to make myself feel better about the current situation but, I guess I have eaten groceries all my life and I think I'm okay. I get so mad and just want to pound my fist because I hate feeling this way. It is an awful feeling when you think you could harm your family by bring contaminated food into the house. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Again, these posts are not to make anyone feel sorry for me. It's my way of helping release what is going on in this mind of mine.

Camping in the rain

I just got home from camping today. It was a weekend at the beach in the rain. It was okay but I came home today and was very cranky. I don't like feeling that way. It's always good to get home. Now I have lots of laundry to do and stuff to put away. I had to give the dog a bath as she was a very dirty dog.
I had a few OCD contamination issues to deal with. One day we were taking a walk to the beach and at the beginning of the trail was a big bandaid. Oh, how they know how to find me. The next day we were taking a walk and my mother-in-law was looking at mushrooms and taking pictures of them. My father-in-law was moving stuff off of mushrooms to look at them. On our way back I ran into a patch of mushrooms and I don't know if I stepped on any. I don't like wild mushrooms because they are poisonous.  I waste so many shoes. That got me into my OCD mode. Oh ya not to forget that a racoon got into our cooler at night and ate a bunch of stuff. We haven't had an animal get into our cooler before. Whoa is me.

Howie Mandel's Lifetime Struggle

Chemicals make me anxious

It's like being poked and prodded and never giving up. Chemicals are brought into my world even though I don't want them to be there. I ask for them not to enter my home but sometimes they do. Antifreeze has been lurking in my garage and it wakes me up and it bothers me. I crack my garage to let in fresh air even though I can't smell it. I fear it entering in my home through vapors getting sucked through my furnace. Oh, how it loves to torture me. I get mad wondering why this had to be brought here but it entered because other people do not think the same way I do. They can't. I can explain my reasons and they can get a small grasp but it's not in the same way as me. My mind works differently, yes indeed. I know God created me in his image and he made me just how he wanted me to be. I have to embrace that even though sometimes it's hard and I may not understand. I know I am fortunate for what I have been given. 

I just don't get it.

Going through the motions is how I feel alot.
I have such a hard time staying focused on anything I am doing. I am a stay-at-home mom to my beautiful and wonderful children. I have been home now for 8 years. I have worked before that pretty much full time since I was 16 and earlier than that babysitting. I know I have symptoms of depression and of social anxiety. What really bothers me is feeling out of control. I feel tired alot and hopeless. I really don't look forward to anything which is very sad. I try to enjoy my life but I get stressed out and I find myself being angrier than I've felt before. I get irritated easily. I just feel like a blob. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like I try to do something and then I just don't do it. I don't have motivation. I have been trying to find out about getting a job as a substitute school cook so I can work the same as school hours but I haven't been able to get ahold of the person who does the hiring. So, the way my mind works is I start to think of reasons why I shouldn't work and I start to change my mind. I really want to make candles and have wanted to for a while but it's like I can't get started it's like I am literally stuck. I find a reason or excuse for everything. I feel like someone is sitting on me holding me back. Another thing I'm wondering about is if anyone else with OCD experiences sensitivity to noise or patterns of noise. It starts to make me crazy if I hear the same phrase repeated over and over or noises sound alot louder and more bothersome to me than to other people. My head starts to spin is how I explain it. I also have noticed this year and I don't think it's from my burt's bee lip shine, is some days more than not my tongue has this weird tingling sensation and it almost drives me nuts. I asked my internal medicine doctor about it but she didn't know. I asked my head doctor if it could be caused by my fluvoxomine and he said it could but I still am not sure. Some days it makes me feel like I want to rip my tongue out it's that bothersome. The sun is shining here today and I am still feeling that depression setting in. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel happy. I want to feel happy again.

Today started off with a whoot

Now feeling a little sickish and very OCDish. Are repair people suppose to ask if they can use your bathroom in your house?  I could have said no, but I said he could because I would feel rude if I said no. I guess I should have said umm...it's broken or something. I'm not good at coming up with quick excuses like that. I had to sanitize my bathroom with my seventh generation cleaner. I hope that's enough to do it. I'd use bleach except I'm afraid of it. What's a girl to do? 
I have been feeling a little on edge the past few days as I was trying out a vegan diet. Oh my goodness is it ever hard and confusing when you have know nothing but meat and dairy products. I have tried not eating meat before and I don't mind it too much but the dairy thing is like way hard. My daughters' tummy gets upset from dairy and I just thought we'd go full circle and jump on the vegan train. Just not working out too good. It's hard enough trying to figure out what to feed your family every day and then add that and WOW it's even harder and more stressful.
That's my venting for the day.

Need to vent with my ocd homies

Just a short vent as I said nothing exciting but it's really bothering me right now. I have gone to three stores today to buy needed things and mostly groceries for a camping trip that will be a week long. I am completely exhausted and have been driving and running around since 8:30 a.m. It is now 4:00 p.m. and I'm going to leave again shortly to take my daughter to soccer practice out in the country. So on with my OCD issue. My last stop at the grocery store is what caused it. I noticed as the cashier was almost done ringing up my stuff that the lady behind me had DRANO. It was separated by the little plastic bar and my then my turkey sausage for camping. The cashier put my sausage in with my hot dogs and lunch meat. Now I'm thinking I really want to return it. I usually would just throw it away but it is such a waste of money. What should I do?

Anyone have any advice? I think I can guess the answer. Thanks for enduring the venting. Oh, so anyway the problem is that I'm worried that the drano could have contaminated my food and me and my family will get poisoned if we eat it. Ooh, it's that uncomfortable feeling that I hate. It's called OCD.

Guilt and hopelessness

This is something that has followed me around especially since I've had children. I feel so responsible for their every moment of happiness. I feel so guilty when I don't have anything for us to do. I've lived in this town or area my whole life and I just run out of stuff to do. Depression I believe is what causes these feelings. When I watch commercials about depression and they hold up those signs saying what it is those all describe me. I hate this feeling of guilt and feeling unworthy as a mother and a person. The wanting to do things and having ideas in my life but not quite sure how to make it happen. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but it's a real struggle. It just feels like I'm on a treadmill running nowhere. I hate complaining because God has given me all the tools I need I just need to figure out how to use them.

Inside my OCD world

I'll be talking about my relaxing camping trip later. It was actually relaxing. I hardly know the meaning of that word.
Let's see...I know my life is good. In fact so good compared to alot of people that are living in poverty and don't have clothes, a home, clean water and the funny thing is they some of them are probably happier than me. I know being a God loving woman that God fills that empty hole but being human I do struggle. I don't spend enough time reading my Bible and seeking God. I try to take care of everything myself and worry about everything when God tells me not to worry about anything. Good advice, if only I can listen.
I have been feeling a cloud lifted since I have started taking 800 mg of vitamin D a day and 1000mg of fish oil. I truly am out of the major funk I was in. So grouchy and irritable and hardly could smile. I can smile now and my head feels clearer. I'm still obsessing though.
I am last night and today obsessing over a stupid phone. I'm obsessing because I finally bought a new cordless phone because my other one loses it's battery power very quickly. As I was reading through the pamphlet it came with I started to get that sinking feeling. It said if you touch the cord to wash your hands after handling because they contain LEAD. Okay?  Then the battery which is cadmium nickel is known to cause cancer in the state of California, Okay? Great now I have a toxic phone. I put on two (double- thick) pairs of gloves and packed that thing up this morning. I know I'll probably not like any phone I get. I dread taking the thing to return it because it's embarrasing and I don't want to handle it and I'm not wearing gloves to the store. I won't go that far atleast for now and hopefully never. I hope they will return it. This is when I start beating myself up mentally. I get so down on myself  and know that most people don't know or even care what kind of battery their phone has. Dang OCD!  I don't even know what I would be like without OCD. Maybe I would be living fearlessly and dreaming big and making things happen instead of living in my scared little world. I don't know why I think I can protect myself  and my family from the things of this life. In reality I know I can't but trying to convince my OCD of that is a different story. I hate hearing myself complain but it does help to get my thoughts out. If people want to read they can and if no one wants to listen or read they don't have to. That's what's nice about having a blog and a circle of people that can relate with me.

I don't really know what's wrong with me besides the obvious

All I know is that I have been feeling so irritable lately. I just get mad and irritated for no good reason. Sounds like are loud or whatever. I'm sick of feeling like this. I feel like I am in a mental fog. I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I started back on vitamin D and fish oil and my multi-vitamin a few days ago to see if that helps. I don't want to call my doctor because it just doesn't seem to help. I know I need to start excercising and that should help too, I hope. We had a very sunny day in the 80's yesterday and now it's dark and cloudy again today. I also had a cavity filled last week and then it was bothersome for a few days afterwords and I noticed it felt rough in between with my tongue. I went a while ago so he could smooth it out and now it feels like there is a sharp point that I keep putting my tongue on. I hate having my teeth worked on. It really bothers me when it's not just right and I hate my teeth being messed with and "ruined" with the drill. Now, I do sound like a total irritable girl.

Our mini-vacation

On memorial day weekend we had to go out of town for a baseball tournament. It was to a place we used to go for vacation when I worked and we had more money. I rented a townhouse for our family because I do not like being stuck in a hotel room. This is the story of our vacation.
When we arrived at the townhome I went upstairs because there was a closet with some games in it. My daughter was looking at them. I first thing I noticed that I didn't like was they had paint cans stored in there. That was nothing compared to what I noticed next and obsessed about until our last day there. The water heater was in that closet too. I noticed white junk which was corrosion because it was leaking. That was not cool. The thing that really got my OCD going was the insulation wrapped around it. It had the pink stuff sticking out around the top and I am afraid of that stuff. I am afraid of breathing in stuff that might harm me. So, then I had to call the owner to tell her about the leak. It turns out a plumber had to come out and the water heater had to be replaced. I was not happy about this. I was freaked out because I was imagining all the fiberglass particles that would get all through the home while the plumber had to take it out and bring it down the stairs. I wouldn't vacuum though because that might stir it up more. We were gone at games the whole day so it was probably good we weren't there most of that day. There is something that made me stop worrying about all this and it's crazy. I was watching a show on HGTV and there was a women remodeling her vacation home. Hmm...What do ya know. There was exposed insulation on all the walls of the room she was in. My husband thought oh great but I said yes it is because I can laugh and feel good about this whole situation because the lady was pregnant too. She didn't care about the insulation. She was even painting. It's amazing how a silly show can snap me out of it. I did find a red smudge that looked like blood on the bathroom wall too. I took a wood boat decoration they had on the counter and put it against it to cover it up. I also found something crusty on my comforter on my bed. I took it off and tried to shove it in the washing machine but it wouldn't fit. Obviously, they don't wash them much if it doesn't even fit in the washer. I took it and shoved it in the closed and found a different covering for the bed. Wow, I sure know how to make my life complicated.

Grumpy

I haven't blogged in quite a while because I guess I just haven't felt like it. I have felt like expressing my feelings lately. Sometimes I'm just too irritated and don't know how to express myself. So I'm thinking that I'm just a grumpy person to my family the one's I care about the most. I don't know how this happened. I always have been a nice person and I really love my family. I just feel hopeless alot. I feel like I'm doing the same thing day after day and have no goals or motivation. The only thing I do is take care of my family. A typical week for me is taking my kids to school and sports and whatever other activities, preparing meals, grocery shopping and other errands, cleaning house, laundry, dishes, and going to church on Sunday. I am usually satisfied with this. I have been a stay-at-home mom for about 7 years now. I quit my job to be home with my kids. I want to be home with them. I feel more useless now I guess since they are more independent now. I sometimes think I should get a job but I have no idea what I would do. I wanted to start making candles and try selling them and I was all excited about it but now my OCD is getting in the way like always and trying to sabotage it for me. The fragrance I would have to use to make them might be bad for me it says. Almost everything I want to do is destroyed by my OCD. Lately I just haven't been very happy. I just feel stuck in this pit of boringness and helplessness and I don't know how to get out. I think it could have to do with some depression that goes along with my OCD. I know today is the first day in a while I have seen sun here where I live and it is nice.

A very challenging day

It seems like my OCD is going crazy now because of all the stressful events in the last few weeks. I started feeling like I was hyperventilating last night and my breathing is not natural today. Today has been a wasted day. I looked on the computer to try and find some recipes and then I went to Trader Joes which is about 15 minutes from my house. I usually go to Fred Meyers which is about 5 minutes from my house. I got about $70 worth of groceries but now I don't even want them. The cashier was a woman and I'm being OCD here by thinking she looks manly and must be gay. She had on a wedding ring but that doesn't mean anything. The big problem was she had a bandage on her thumb and that did me in. I should've just ran out of there or made up some exuse but instead I got it. I wasn't in her line but she took me over to her line. I came home and I washed off all my groceries with soap and water. I still don't feel better. I threw about a bag of pre-cut apples because I was trying to transfer them to a big ziplock bag and I thought some touched the outside of the contaminated bag and then I just threw them all away. What a waste of money. I called to see if I could drop off some of my food at a food donation site but no one answered the phone.
I went into another store just to get some cereal and they must have spilled bleach in there because it was strong and then I had to leave because I didn't want to breathe it in and I didn't want to buy the cereal there.
I also got some books on amazon to read more about OCD and one of the books had something on it. I thought it was just part of the book but when I rubbed it, it came off. I was going to return the books but I don't know if I will. I'll have to pay for the shipping since it's not their fault.
I feel so guilty because my husband is working late tonight for overtime and now I'm doing all the garbage with wasting money because of this stupid OCD.

Scared

I have had a very emotional day today.
I took my daughter in to get her tummy checked since it's been bothering her. I guess she was due for her yearly check-up so we did that when we were there. If you've been reading my blog the past week you know what I've been dealing with. I couldn't decide if my daughter had to get blood drawn if I should go ahead and have the hiv test done too since it's all in on poke. She did have to get blood drawn and I went ahead and did the hiv also. When I asked her doctor about doing it she said we can do it if it makes me sleep better at night. It doesn't sound like she was happy with me. She told me last year when I told her about my concern that we could do a test even though she felt it wasn't necessary. I feel sick about it and then thought to myself I shouldn't have done it. They said it takes 2 to 10 days for the results. That's like an eternity. I've let my OCD defeat me. I was so upset when I got home. I'm upping my clonazepam for a while. My birthday is  Sunday.  It seems like something always goes on around my birthday with OCD. I felt like I wanted to call and tell them to cancel the test but then what good would that do? Now it's done. I can pray and hope for the best.
My Mother is also still in the hospital. She had bariatric surgery done on Wednesday. She was supposed to go home today but is having some complications. They found she is having leakage and now she is back in surgery. This is also causing alot of anxiety for me. I love my mom. It's not fun dealing with this when she has always been a healthy person and such an important person to me. I haven't even been able to go see her because I have been sick all week with a fever and congestion.
I think I've reached a low point right now. God please give me strength, hope, encouragement and please bring health and healing upon my mom and my family. Amen.

A Christian Cure for OCD? | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

A Christian Cure for OCD? Christianity Today A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

Not doing so good today

I've been on here alot lately and that's not a good thing. The less I write the better I am doing. First of all I have had the flu for the past few days. I am very achey. My daughter had it earlier in the week and my husband stayed home yesterday because he had it. I just take and ibuprofen every six to eight hours and it helps. I think I have a respiratory infection and fever. My back is aching now and this anxiety I am feeling about HIV again is really making things worse. My mom is having bariatric bypass surgery tomorrow for weight loss. She has struggled with her weight for many years so now has decided to do this. I'm sure this is adding to my anxiety too. I have to babysit my 3 year old nephew tomorrow and Friday. I usually watch him every Monday and Tuesday but my Mom and Dad usually watch him the other days so we traded because of the surgery.  My daughter has and appointment on Friday to get her tummy checked since she keeps saying she has a tummy ache. If she has to have blood drawn I wonder if I should just have the hiv test done too. I can't stand the thought of it. I know I am making myself miserable now but the thought of the waiting and all that for the results makes me want to vomit. If the result was negative I'm sure I would be very happy and I wouldn't think the results were false and I would move on. It' the what if they were positive. Of course the appointment isn't until Friday so I have all that time to sit and OBSESS. I just feel like such a loser when I feel like this. I feel so weak and afraid and embarrased that I keep bringing this up. How can it be that it goes away and I don't worry about it and then I see blood from my daughter pulling her tooth out and WHAM it just comes back to haunt me and torture me. I just want to wake up from this bad dream I am having.

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Encouragement/Religious

OCD TYPES-useful information

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Fear

Here returns a haunting fear of mine. It comes and goes. When it's here it's bad. It takes me to a place where I dread going. A place I always think I never want to return. Why does it go away and then come back. I guess it's always in the back of my mind and then when it wants it viciously invades and takes over and drags me down with it. With my OCD, I have a terrible fear of aids/hiv. I used to fear myself getting it but not to an extreme. My daughter got her ears pierced two years ago. I knew that it would cause great anxiety for me. I try to be brave and not let my OCD get in the way of my children doing things. I let her do it. It was a really hard decision. The moment they pierced them I was strucken with total fear and my mind went crazy. She was crying to, so that made my anxiety even worse. Oh, it hurts to even go to that place. I didn't want to get out of bed the next day. The feelings of depression, doom, and what have I done all were so real. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I was sure she probably got hiv from it. I still get so afraid of it. I am just as afraid to have her tested for it. Today I am feeling those anxieties again. If she gets sick or bleeds or has to go the the doctors it makes it worse. She pulled out her tooth yesterday and came out in the kitchen with blood everywhere. Then I feel bad thinking I can't even touch her blood because it could be contaminated. This makes me feel awful. She was helping me cut vegetables up for stew on Saturday and she cut nicked her finger. She said she didn't cut herself but then I noticed she had a bandaid on. I decided not to serve or eat the soup. This is just confirming my fears and making it seem more real but WHAT IF? I'm more concerned about her actually having it than me catching it because I'd rather have it too if she did. She does have a doctor's appointment on Friday that I just scheduled because her tummy has been aching on and off for a month. I get high anxiety because I feel like if I go to the doctor's I should just have her blood tested and then that gives me anxiety beyond belief and it just feels awful.  I've posted about this before and I really was hoping not to have to post about it again. It just is a way for me to process my feelings when there's really no way to process and be content until I have 100% certainty. I tell myself if I just get her tested I'll know one way or another. Is this the solution? If I did get her tested and she was fine then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Am I being ignorant if I don't get her tested? Lord, help me cause I so need you now. The fear is here again. It's taking over and bringing me down with it. UP and DOWN is what OCD does to me and I never know when to expect it. It comes out of nowhere and turns my world upside down and yet I have to function and still take care of my family when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

A needle, a bump, rubbing alcohol, and other body blunders, and some more battery concerns.

Where to begin?  It's been an interesting week.
I found a couple ugly, horrible looking, red, swollen, bumps on my body and I think they are just ingrown hairs. I don't like the look of infection around them. I used to be able to take a needle and poke out a sliver with no worries. Now, I worry that the needle might be contaminated even though I've had it for a long time sitting in my dresser drawer with mending supplies. Even though I clean it with my 99 something percent rubbing alcohol. It could still have some blood germs that could give me something on it yep. I know it sounds funny when I read it but not when I'm experiencing the sense of realness when OCD is kicking in. So, anyway this is gross but I poked the pimple or whatever it is to try to start some healing. That didn't work. I just put some neosporin on it for a few days but that hasn't helped either. I found another one fairly close in proximity but I don't know why I have these. I'm not really worried that I have them it's more about the infection in them. I always worry that things infected in my body are going to travel to my brain or heart. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if they can take care of it for me. So, that morning I was obsessing over the disease I might have given myself from my dirty needle. I was over it by mid-morning. I looked in my doctors handbook about sliver removal and it said to use a needle that was cleaned with rubbing alcohol so I figured it must be fine and sterile enough.

I was having some issues again with possible battery leakage. I have had a laptop for a while now. I don't like the fact that it contains a BATTERY on the underneath side of it. I would not even set the laptop on my lap because of that and I don't know what the other wireless stuff might do to me or the battery could leak. I know it's so weird. Anyway, I've notice some whiteish stuff which is probably dust but I can't be CERTAIN and that's what my OCD wants is 100% CERTAINTY. I cleaned the surface of my desk and the underneath of my computer but it was bothering me. I get more worried because I'm afraid if it is battery acid then I'll get it in my eyes when I take out my contacts. I am over it today. I was wearing gloves yesterday to type on the computer before I took my contacts out. I know it's funny. Ha, Ha, I can even laugh at it. It was funny when I was doing it but I knew I just didn't want to deal with it any other way at that moment. GLOVES are my friends. I don't have gloves on today.

Here's that worrying making me feel sick again all because of two ipod touches

Oh man, why? I always do this. I let my kids get or do something and then later my OCD really kicks in and won't leave me alone.
A few weeks ago my son who is 12 wanted to buy an ipod touch with his own money. I let him. Then my 9 year old daughter wanted to buy one. I let her. I'm just mad at myself now. I wish I could return them or just take them and sell them on craigslist. This is where the fear just starts to overwhelm and my mind goes in all different directions. It's the what if?  I don't know what to do. They would be mad at me if I took them away I know that. I don't know if I'm over-reacting, okay I probably am BUT WHAT IF?
I'm beating myself up. So, anyway I've done some researching and haven't found much so I went to a handy dandy website I've used before and by the way they are very helpful and quick to answer. It's the EPA. I don't feel reassured like I was hoping. They just said that " the type of energy used in wireless technology is radio frequency(RF). RF radiation is non-ionizing. In other words not strong enough to affect the structured atoms it contacts...Wireless technology is still relatively new world-wide, researchers continue to study efffects of long-term exposure." It sounds like they really don't know. I also don't like that the ipod touch gets warm on the back where they hold it. I don't know what that can do. I thought about this a little before they bought them and was fine for a few weeks and now just last night and today it comes on full bore. That's one thing I really hate about OCD. You can be fine and great for weeks and then something just comes from nowhere and turns you upside down and makes you feel like a sad, worried, confused, helpless, crazy person. We didn't even have wireless internet until a few months ago. I finally got it so we could stream movies from netflix. I worried a little bit about that. I'm just feeling mad right now and sad and confused. It's this stupid OCD mood and I don't want to go through this. Dang! What do I do? I don't know. Why can't we have the answers to everything? I know that it probably wouldn't make life better but it seems like it would sometimes. I hate technology sometimes. I hate OCD too. Here's to my worried life and weekend. Cheers OCD. P.S. Sorry for the negative attitude today. I just feel like bullying my OCD and Radio Frequencies.

OCD you are being a pest(icide)!

This last week has been spring break. Everything has gone pretty smoothly. We have stayed busy.We have gone bowling, to play video games, roller skating and to a movie. We did go mini-golfing and of course their was some sort of weed sprinkle stuff on the barkdust and my ball kept going straight for it. I got a kleenex out of my purse and picked it up with that. My kids were laughing at me and my husband thought oh wow she's crazy. I decided to throw the kleenex away after my kids were picking up their contaminated golf balls. I touched mine. I did not want to but I did. We went to the restroom and washed our hands before we left.

I babysit my nephew two days a week. My sister puts an ant trap outside her apartment door. I've always had a small issue with his shoes thinking there is a residue of that on his shoes. She told me the other day she put some ant strip thing in her bedroom becasue she found ants in there. I don't know why people have to tell me when they use poison because they know it bothers me. She has OCD too but the poisons don't bother her. She called me this morning to ask me if I could give her a haircut. I told her I wasn't going to be able to today. I really don't want to touch her hair because I am afraid of the contamination from the ant strips. I just can't deal with it today. Some things I do just avoid because it's much easier than putting myself through what comes afterword. My hair cutting tools will be contaminated and me and I just can't do it. People, don't tell me things about the poisons and chemicals you use. My mother-in-law always does this too. She knows how much it bothers me but yet she can't help but tell me when she has used a pesticide or something. I don't get it. I feel bad for not cutting my sister's hair but you know I do alot for the people in my life and there's just some things I can't do because I'm not responsible for everyone. I haven't even had my hair cut for over a year except by my self. She only likes me to cut it for her. I was a professional hairstylist way back when but I just do my families hair now. That's a whole other story in itself.

Unorganized, undecided, tired, irritable, guilty feeling, no motivation, blah...

That sounds depressing. It is. I used to be so motivated when I was a high schooler and only had to worry about myself. I excercised every day faithfully. I didn't think about not doing it. I had to and wanted to. I watched very carefully what I ate and tracked my calories. I cared about looking the best I could. I would slap on all my makeup and not care that it was harmful for me. Those were carefree days.  I don't want to go back there. I just wonder what happended to that girl who had goals and actually was motivated and cared. It's so hard now. I wouldn't change having children for the world because I love them so much. I guess it's just I feel guilty alot and feel like I need to spend all my time home with them. I feel guilty even when I am home with them because I don't feel like I have anything to offer them. My husband and I have never even left them over night. I think it's my OCD that is so afraid of something happening to them while I am gone that I don't even desire to go.  My daughter is nine and she is at the age where she gets sassy with me alot and that makes me mad and sad and then I just try not to say anything to make it worse. My son is into his sports, but I don't know what to do with him. I never feel like going outside to shoot baskets. I just feel un-motivated and I feel like a bad mom. I try to give them my all. I provide them with all my love but I just never feel I'm good enough.
I don't do anything for myself. I have no hobbies. I have tried some but it seems like everything I try in my life I always quit. I really am not writing this for a pity party it just is how it is. I'm used to it but every now and then it starts to overwhelm me. The feeling of no direction. I'm so bad at making decisions and I also do suffer from some social anxiety. I was taking jazzercise class a few years ago and I liked it. I did it for about a year but then I quit as I was going through a depression and never got back into it. I keep thinking about going back but I always find an excuse not too. I am now starting to feel the effects of not excercising. I feel the extra weight and my body aches. I feel stuck. The problem is there are alot of days when I'm just fine being that way. I just don't seem to know how to get un-stuck.

Day by day

I am doing fine right now. I have had my ups and downs. I have been taking a clonazepam daily and it really helps. I tried not to take it for a few days this week and whoa what a difference. I feel all out of sorts when I don't take it. I feel like it's much harder to make decisions, I feel fuzzy like I'm looking at myself through a window, and I don't have much patience at all. I took one yesterday finally and now I am going to continue to take them daily. My doctor is not concerned about them becoming addictive because it is a small dose. It just takes that edge off and makes me more calm and much more functional. It's amazing. I also take a daily dose of fluvoxomine but the clonazepam is certainly helping me.

Oil Change

That's my problem of the day. I went to get an oil change before I did any of the lots of stuff I had to do today before going out of town.  I should have done the oil change last. It usually doesn't bother me because I make and appointment and take it to the dealership. I always seem to wait until we are going somewhere and have procrastinated on getting an oil change and decide it needs to be done before we go. So, today I thought the dealership probably wouldn't have any appointments left so I went to oil can henry's. I really strongly dislike going to those places and usually it's because they try to talk you into a million services you don't need. I had a coupon and left only spending $30 something dollars. They tried to get more money from me but I didn't go for it. So, I had to deal with a bunch of junk I didn't want to deal with. When I first arrived I got a free newspaper which I set aside and didn't read because I didn't want to and it was contaminated by the oil guy's hands. He then gave me this laminated price list and whatever and it had greasy smudges of who knows what on it. Great! I didn't have any wet wipes in my car either because I was out. That would have helped. Then the dude came over with this other laminated thing and had like 5 different dripping chemicals on it and he had to show them to me and explain them to me and I didn't even care. I was just thinking get that away from me. He then gave me the papers that he was holding under that thing. Yippee! I just really think it's dumb to show me those things anyway. All I wanted was my oil changed, I just don't care what color the different fluids are in my car and how they are doing. It's kind of funny. I had to give the guy my debit card too which he contaminated with his dirty greasy hands. I had to touch it and put it in my wallet. I drove off trying not to touch much of my steering wheel with the contaminated parts of my hands. I went home and had to clean my stuff with toilet paper since I was out of paper towels. By the way, I go through about a eight pack of paper towels a week. I know it's alot. I'm not happy about my contaminated groceries though. I had to get groceries today and it would have been much better to get them before the oil change. It makes me mad when I think I can just go do something like a normal person and it will be fine and dandy. I'm hoping my family doesn't get whatever fluids they use at oil can henry's on there food. It's going to make it extra hard when I'm preparing food and extra hand-washing on my already very dry hands. OCD you are not cool.

Gloves

My rubber gloves and I have quite a loving relationship. They save me from lots of contamination.
I wear them to clean, do yardwork, or handle anything I think is contaminated.
Lately, I have noticed when I go to the store to buy gloves I don't like what I noticed and didn't really notice or care about before. In a few of the stores they are place on the shelf where above it sits the lice treatments which is a form of poison/chemical. I think about it accidentally leaking onto the gloves. The other day I went to pick up a box of gloves and there was something sticky on it. I don't know what it was but I wasn't happy about it. Instead of going home I stayed and got a few things I needed. I just used my other non-contaminated hand. That can be challenging. I got some gloves at Target today but below them were huge bottles of rubbing alcohol so I worry about it evaporating and somehow getting on my gloves. I have issues with rubbing alcohol. I clean my daughters new earrings with them but then I'm afraid after she touches them she might get it in her eyes. Lately, I am so afraid of getting my eyes contaminated and going blind. I wear contacts so I have to touch my eyes. So, battery acid leftovers that remain on my glassess from the leakage of remote control of my nightstand which I don't even know if any really got on there, rubbing alcohol, dish detergent and whatever else. I used to put rubbing alcohol all over my hands when I was probably in 4th or 5th grade. If I pet my dog I would clean them with it. I didn't know I had OCD then. I don't think this was normal, but who knew. I just didn't like germs. OCD sure has a way of changing and making itself known. If you get over one thing another thing just appears.

Holidays 2010

I had a good very good holiday season this year. I usually am very emotional during the holidays. I cry easily for no reason. I think the daily dose of clonazepam has really helped me alot. It has helped with my obsessions. I still get freaked about the stupid batteries, mercury, blood and all that but it has seriously helped me and my mood. I only have to take one in the morning and it really helps with my anxiety.