That sounds depressing. It is. I used to be so motivated when I was a high schooler and only had to worry about myself. I excercised every day faithfully. I didn't think about not doing it. I had to and wanted to. I watched very carefully what I ate and tracked my calories. I cared about looking the best I could. I would slap on all my makeup and not care that it was harmful for me. Those were carefree days. I don't want to go back there. I just wonder what happended to that girl who had goals and actually was motivated and cared. It's so hard now. I wouldn't change having children for the world because I love them so much. I guess it's just I feel guilty alot and feel like I need to spend all my time home with them. I feel guilty even when I am home with them because I don't feel like I have anything to offer them. My husband and I have never even left them over night. I think it's my OCD that is so afraid of something happening to them while I am gone that I don't even desire to go. My daughter is nine and she is at the age where she gets sassy with me alot and that makes me mad and sad and then I just try not to say anything to make it worse. My son is into his sports, but I don't know what to do with him. I never feel like going outside to shoot baskets. I just feel un-motivated and I feel like a bad mom. I try to give them my all. I provide them with all my love but I just never feel I'm good enough.
I don't do anything for myself. I have no hobbies. I have tried some but it seems like everything I try in my life I always quit. I really am not writing this for a pity party it just is how it is. I'm used to it but every now and then it starts to overwhelm me. The feeling of no direction. I'm so bad at making decisions and I also do suffer from some social anxiety. I was taking jazzercise class a few years ago and I liked it. I did it for about a year but then I quit as I was going through a depression and never got back into it. I keep thinking about going back but I always find an excuse not too. I am now starting to feel the effects of not excercising. I feel the extra weight and my body aches. I feel stuck. The problem is there are alot of days when I'm just fine being that way. I just don't seem to know how to get un-stuck.
You are not alone! I feel the same way much of the time! OCD is a battle and we must fight it every step of the way, we must also realize that no one is perfect and we just have to do the best we can do! I know you can do it!! One day at a time!! Good luck
ReplyDeleteI Echo 3 Dudes and a Diva. I feel this way lots too. It's just par for the course. Don't beat yourself up over it. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. Millions of mothers feel the same way every day. I was so carefree now I worry about every little thing. I don't know what switched but I want to find a happy medium between what I used to be and what I am now. We will get there. By the way I love your blog! I need to start working out too!
ReplyDeleteI understand completely. Feeling guilty can trigger a stream of negative thoughts. One thing I have found that is helpful is to imagine myself as my best friend. I think if my friend were saying these things (actually my thoughts) to me, then how would I respond. What would be my advice to her? Usually, I can make rational sense if I think of it as another person. The difficult thing is taking that advice. Having OCD, it is hard for me to take that advice because I get into this trap that I am different. Regardless of my excuse, I try to take the advice and overcome the fear. The disorder is debilitating, try to find something that helps when you feel you aren't good enough.
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