Don't even know what to call this!

WOW!
I have been struggling, big. So, my husband decided instead of taking our SUV in to get the heater fixed which was going to cost a small fortune, him and his dad would fix it. Oh please I hope I remember to never let him work on my car again. I'm really not blaming anyone even though it really sounds like it. Okay I'm not blaming my father-in-law because he was just trying to help.
We drove out to there house which takes about 45 minutes from our house. They decided to drill a hole through the bottom of the glove compartment to try to get inside there to do something to make it work. BIG Mistake!
Fluid started pouring out under the car and into the passenger side on the inside on the floor. Okay, it still makes me feel sick talking about it. This happened a couple days ago and it's gonna take me until we get rid of the car to get over it and then I still won't be over it because when he brought our car home stuff was leaking out onto my driveway. The contamination issue is just going to go wild for me. My father-in-law offered to pay part to get it fixed, so I told my husband to do it. This still does not solve the problem for my OCD MIND. No it does not. It doesn't matter how much the carpet in that car is scrubbed or cleaned because to me it will never be non-contaminated. To a person without OCD that would take care of the problem. I don't want my kids to ride in the car again and I don't want to ride in the car again. I am so scared. I'm afraid they will breathe it in and it will cause harm to them. Now I have to drive our 1989 Volvo with over 200,000 miles on it and it won't be running for long. This is how OCD works and it is not pretty. It makes me feel mentally ill when I am stuck in the heat of the OCD moment. I say to myself, why me?
I was a real mean person the last few days too. I'm normally a very nice person to be around. I had to apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry and to just be patient with me. It's hard too, because my son is a sophomore in highschool and he's embarrassed to be riding in the Volvo. Money is real tight right now.  I want to try to get an inexpensive smaller car for me.  I'm really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am actually dreading it. We have to go back over to my in-laws house and I'm also embarrassed for the way I got all upset and was crying and couldn't eat dinner when we were there because of my contamination fears and my car was RUINED. My husband does not understand OCD and doesn't want to understand it and he just gets mad at me. That makes it all the worse when your spouse is unsupportive. I feel pretty much all alone when it comes to dealing with my OCD.

I haven't written anything in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about OCD. Sometimes it  feels like I'm bragging about it or something which it is nothing to brag about. I can make it sound humorous which it's really not either. I do try to look for humor in the situation because it can help me alot with it. If I can find humor in it then there is a light. It's amazing how OCD can drain my energy. I feel great and then my husband mows the lawn and comes inside and he did wash his hands but to me they still aren't clean. The reason is still because of the antifreeze that is in the shed with the lawn mower. It was in the garage but I had my husband move it because I'd rather have it in the shed than the garage.
Now to a person without OCD this will sound bizarre but I am going to share a story about the book I checked out at the library yesterday. I got this book that I was really excited about reading. It was a book on food fermentation which I'm really interested in. So, I get the book and what do ya know the author has AIDS. Some of you might already know what my OCD mind is thinking and "normal" minds wouldn't dream of this. I didn't want the book anymore because somehow maybe the author had touched the book or other people with AIDS and so on. I know it's stupid but that's how I think. I put the books on the floor in my car and wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. I put them in a plastic grocery bag so I could dispose of them at the library without touching them again. My daughter wanted to take them so I let her but told her how to do it. I hate it when I have to tell people how I want them to do something to avoid contamination or explain why I do something because I don't want them to have to participate in the ritualization and it's makes me sound very weird, even to myself when I am speaking it out loud. The books fell on the ground when she was trying to return them and the bag got stuck in the return thing. I was sitting in the car watching her but was far enough away she wouldn't be able to hear me. I felt bad because I know she probably was wondering what she should do next since I didn't want her to touch the books. When she got back to the car I gave her a wet wipe. Then, she took her earring off and started rubbing her ear. Oh great! She never takes her earring off normally unless she is changing them. I had a major episode for a few years after she got her ears pierced. I was so afraid she may had gotten hiv and then eventually had her tested when she had blood drawn for another reason.
Life in the OCD lane is very interesting is all I can say.

Burnout wash and antifreeze anxiety

I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I buy clothing for everyone but myself until mine is falling apart. I know it's sad but true. It doesn't really bother me. I wear basic clothing. Usually I wear jeans and some sort of black cotton shirt. I know it's boring. I don't like to stand out. I have felt like it would be nice to have a little more variety but I never have the money and until I lose the roll on my tummy then black is it. Anyway, I went to look for a few clothing items the other day and I actually bought them before deciding to put them back. I came home and washed them. I was looking at the tag on one of the shirts after I washed it and it said "burnout wash".  That struck some worry with me. I didn't know what it was so I looked it up on the internet. It's some type of wash they do to make it look worn. They use sulpheric acid. That's great. Now, I've had some issues with laundry being contaminated. I took back the shirt to the store yesterday. I know I should've just worn it but I couldn't.
The antifreeze will keep bothering me until it's out of our shed. I had my husband move it from the garage to the shed. I knew it would bother me because of the tools and lawn mower in there. I just didn't want it in the garage and I didn't want to move the lawn mower to the garage because it'll smell like gas and contaminate. Yesterday alot of people were mowing their lawns because it was the first nice day we've had in a while. I am dreading when my husband mows our lawn because of my fear that the lawn mower is now contaminated with the antifreeze fumes. Then when he comes inside he will contaminate everything he touches. I get so mad then that he bought that antifreeze. It just didn't have to be like this. I do not want chemicals near my home.

Jittery, out of sorts, noise sensitivity

I always have a sensitivity to noises like extreme compared to most people. I think it has something to do with OCD. Today has just been one of those days I woke up and I am moody and just don't feel quite right which to a degree I'm used to. I  have felt like this lots but it's just one of those days. I dislike feeling this way. To top it off I'm again feeling the anxiety about the stupid antifreeze. I went outside and saw my husband pouring water out in the flowerbed from a two liter pepsi bottle. I thought he must have added antifreeze to his car because no one knows how the pepsi bottle got in the garage filled with water. He says he did not put antifreeze in his car but I know he wouldn't say he did because I'd have an OCD meltdown. I'm having one anyway. Now, I don't want to go out to the garage for a while. I'll have to put a stupid rubber glove on the door handle just to go out to the garage to put some recycling out there. Nice. I'm just in the middle of an OCD moment. That sounds like it should be a song.

Fear will knock you down

I have a problem and the problem is obviously OCD but I am afraid. I am very afraid. I live a life full of fear. I am a believer of the almighty God and he tells me DO NOT FEAR but I do. My life is getting scarier by the day. I am allowing it to happen. I am starting to think the ERP might be helpful. I was to afraid to think about it or contemplate it before. It's just always something getting in the way of me living a normal life. I found this job that sounds perfect for me but I'm afraid to apply because it's in a house that was built in the 1890's and that probably means asbestos somewhere. This morning I went outside and I had stupidly parked my husband's car in the driveway since he used mine to go out of town this weekend. Now, there is a wet circle of antifreeze? I don't know what it is but I don't like it. It probably is antifreeze since it was leaking it before but my husband had said it wasn't leaking anymore so I parked it in the driveway. Now I have that to deal with. I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I always sound like a wreak on here but that's because this is my place for that. My venting place. I try to hide this from other people except my husband and parents which I try but can't seem to. I'm afraid to live. I want to live and have a fun life. My life is not much fun these days. Yes, I have happy moments but I have alot of wasted time and worry in my life because of OCD. Again, this is not a place to feel sorry for me because that's not my reason for writing. Support is always good. I am trying to make and effort to comment on your blogs because I know you need support too but OCD stops me from that alot too.

Overwhelmed

It's early on Thursday morning. I still have not found peace about the antifreeze in my garage. It's just bugging the heck out of me. I have felt so much stress from this. I am a bundle of nerves wound up tight and my back muscles are aching. I felt so exhausted in a different way than usual at the end of the day yesterday. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I hate feeling this way. I am going to take a clonazepam this morning so I hopefully can feel some relief. It won't take it away though. I'm just really wanting to know what you would do if you were me? If you aren't sure what I'm talking about, the post just before this one is what it's about. I giggled when talking about it on the phone but it's not funny at all. It's is causing so much strife and here we go again this dance with this dreaded OCD. Please tell me your opinions I need them. Thank You.