Unorganized, undecided, tired, irritable, guilty feeling, no motivation, blah...

That sounds depressing. It is. I used to be so motivated when I was a high schooler and only had to worry about myself. I excercised every day faithfully. I didn't think about not doing it. I had to and wanted to. I watched very carefully what I ate and tracked my calories. I cared about looking the best I could. I would slap on all my makeup and not care that it was harmful for me. Those were carefree days.  I don't want to go back there. I just wonder what happended to that girl who had goals and actually was motivated and cared. It's so hard now. I wouldn't change having children for the world because I love them so much. I guess it's just I feel guilty alot and feel like I need to spend all my time home with them. I feel guilty even when I am home with them because I don't feel like I have anything to offer them. My husband and I have never even left them over night. I think it's my OCD that is so afraid of something happening to them while I am gone that I don't even desire to go.  My daughter is nine and she is at the age where she gets sassy with me alot and that makes me mad and sad and then I just try not to say anything to make it worse. My son is into his sports, but I don't know what to do with him. I never feel like going outside to shoot baskets. I just feel un-motivated and I feel like a bad mom. I try to give them my all. I provide them with all my love but I just never feel I'm good enough.
I don't do anything for myself. I have no hobbies. I have tried some but it seems like everything I try in my life I always quit. I really am not writing this for a pity party it just is how it is. I'm used to it but every now and then it starts to overwhelm me. The feeling of no direction. I'm so bad at making decisions and I also do suffer from some social anxiety. I was taking jazzercise class a few years ago and I liked it. I did it for about a year but then I quit as I was going through a depression and never got back into it. I keep thinking about going back but I always find an excuse not too. I am now starting to feel the effects of not excercising. I feel the extra weight and my body aches. I feel stuck. The problem is there are alot of days when I'm just fine being that way. I just don't seem to know how to get un-stuck.

If it makes you HAPPY

I have made a decision. I want to be happy. I want to live a happy life. I am tired of not caring and just making it through the day. It's just not good enough. God make me to be great. I need to fulfill this plan.
I know challenges are part of life and sometimes feel out of control with OCD because it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have decided to take some chances. I've touched some things that I normally wouldn't without gloves today. My daughter and her friend did inspire me. They took "contaminated" rakes out of the shed today and raked up a whole back yard of pine needles, filled a bird feeder, washed out a bird bath and had fun doing it. I didn't tell them they couldn't, I just let them enjoy the moment. I am sick of sacrificing my life to OCD. Just plain sick of it. I am better than this. I watched my sister this weekend as we went to the zoo and it was a bit disturbing. She didn't experience OCD as a child like I did but now in her 30's she is experiencing it and it's getting worse. Thankfully, she has started seeing someone for it and it taking meds. now. We went to the zoo and she had to check under the car every time we got out to make sure she didn't drop something. Everytime we sat down somewhere she had to go back to look to make sure she didn't leave something behind. I understand but it's weird watching her do it. She has a hard time getting out of her apartment because she has to check to make sure all burners are off and refrigerator closed and I don't know what else. I usually only do this as we are leaving for a vacation.
I want to get involved in excercising again this fall. I want to go to women's bible study at my church. I haven't ever participated in one and I've gone to this church for 12 years. I tend to run away from people I guess. I don't have any really close friends. I figured out that I really am afraid of commitment and I guess I don't really know how to be a good friend. I do have a few close friends but I don't see them very often or talk to them on the phone. I grew up having a best friend from age 4 to 18. She then went away to college and then was in my wedding but we were never as close. We still talk once in a while and it is ironic that her husband had OCD and her marriage ended in divorce a few years ago. She doesn't know that I have OCD. I never have had a chance to tell her. It might be for the best.
So, here's to my new adventure in doing everything I can to make my life happy. Cheers!