Trying to keep my head above water.

Here I am in a sad, cold place just back to a place I didn't want to ever find myself again. Will it end? Do I really have to get my daughter's blood drawn to test for hiv to make this stop. I don't want to. I am so afraid to do it. It all started when I took her to Claire's at the mall last August to get her ears pierced. The second it happened I tingled with fear through my body and the obscessing began. A deep depression which continued through the year. What have I done I asked myself. Here I am now again. I was free for a while and doing great and not even worrying or thinking about it but now I've been hit again like a ton of bricks. Part of me says just get a test and then if she's fine everything will be back to normal and the fear gone. My psychiatrist said he didn't think testing would necessarily be the answer and had me up my clonazapam to three times a day. About  a week later I was still falling apart and he prescribed me risperidone to help break up the thoughts. I never took it because there was some side effects like possibly fatal or uncontrollable twitching that might not go away after use of medication. Yes, I went to the dreaded internet researching where I know I should go and was researching aids and hiv and scared myself and made myself feel sick. When I see the words aids or hiv it can make me start this vicious cycle.  I am afraid to even post this becasue it might even make things worse for me. Then I say should I get the test or drug myself more. Getting the test is like moving a mountain. It scares me like crazy and the waiting would almost kill me. I am a sick person. I am a scared person. Some days I am a normal or semi-normal person. When I go to these places I just want to crawl into God's arms and have him wrap me up tight and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay.