Tuesday, September 28, 2010
It's here just as I was expecting...MERCURY
Yep, I knew it because I've had issues with it before. As I mentioned the other day we had a broken CFL light bulb that contains mercury. My husband had to replace it. We replaced the light sconce along with the light bulb because we have wanted new ones. He said it took a while to get it off but then he wrapped a plastic bag around it as he took it off. He said he was as careful as he could be. I feel so bad because he was trying to protect me and yet it just wasn't good enough. He told me I could throw away the clothes he was wearing. I might. I have done it before and I'm not proud of it. The other problem is the clothes he was wearing were already put in the hamper touching other clothes that were in there. So, I'd have to throw away everything that was in there. I am so afraid of whatever mercury or vapor from it could have gotten on his shirt and I'm so afraid of it contaminating our washing machine and then contaminating all our clothes. I had this happen with something else before and I almost had my husband return our washing machine. It still could have been returned because we had it for a few months. This has been consuming me the past few days and it is so stupid but yet I can't seem to get on with it. I'm really disapointed at myself when I am like this. Oh, yes I did my RESEARCH today. I'd be rich if I got paid for my researching. So, the facts are that a CFL lightbulb contains about 4 mg. of mercury and that would be enough to cover the tip of a ball point pen. That doesn't sound like alot but it's still too much for this OCD mind. An old-school mercury thermometer had 500 mg. of mercury, a watch battery has 25 mg., and a silver looking filling and I don't know how you spell the name of it has 500 mg. You would think that could give me comfort but my brain is stuck in gear. I got a new laundry hamper today and I have his clothing and things that were touching it wrapped up in a plastic bag. I have a headache and my tummy aches. My soul aches.
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Oh my! I can relate to this SO much. This sort of chemical/toxin themed contamination fear is EXACTLY how my major OCD breakdown started. I did many of the things you mentioned - threw away clothes, bagged up clothes, worried about clothes that touched other clothes, washed my laundry hamper because contaminated clothes might have touched it, etc. I know how overwhelming the anxiety can be, but don't go down this road! I know how hard it is. It's easy to think "this is different than other fears - this is actually dangerous," but that thought pattern and choosing your actions based on that thought pattern can really lead nowhere good. And fast. My OCD would be all over the situation you described in an instant, but do what you can to hold back. If you can, let your husband do what seems reasonable to him. When your OCD is in high gear it can be hard to judge what is a reasonable risk to take and what isn't.
ReplyDeleteNot to provide reassurance or worry you more, but there is probably more mercury (and worse chemical contaminants) that we all come into contact with more than we realize or think about. I can remember back to an organic chemistry lab I had in college - this was before I had my big OCD meltdown - during which someone broke one of those old-fashioned mercury thermometers (remarkable that they still let us use them), and little mercury balls rolled out in all directions. The TA went and got the clean-up kit, but I later found out there was a lot more he was supposed to do to properly clean-up. And really, it's unlikely that he got all of it. Not to mention it's probably happened before. Little traces of mercury have probably been tracked all over the place by students - around the lab, the building, campus. Who knows? This was one of the hardest things for me to accept in recovery - that, even if I did all my compulsive rituals to "cleanse" contaminated items - my world was likely already contaminated and there was no way to avoid it. I was probably making myself more unhealthy by engaging all those rituals than if I had just accepted that the world was probably already contaminated anyway and let things be.
My heart goes out to you, Kim. This sounds like an entry from my journal during my very worst hellish OCD days. I'll keep you in my prayers. Wish I could make it better for you.
ReplyDeleteThe irony here is that there is real evidence that mercury is a major cause of OCD. So your ocd reaction in this case actually has some merit to it.
ReplyDeleteThere are cases of people who have had their mercury fillings removed and done various chelation procedures only to see their OCD vanish even if they've had OCD for decades.
There are steps that need to be followed because mercury can get stuck deep in the tissue and sometimes release again which brings back OCD symptoms.
Another factor is that mercury and be released from the tissue only to move to another area of the body without being eliminated. What I'm trying to say is that it takes a good understanding before rushing into starting.
I'd do a search on +OCD +mercury to start learning about it.