Do you really want to know what this is? Just the other day I was all worked up over my laminate flooring and now I have it. It is sitting in my garage waiting to be installed. I am okay and feeling good about my choice now. We will see once we start installing it. So anyway, what is in this bag is a tub of transmission fluid. We had a mishap when it came to doing some car work ourselves last summer and this is the result of it some transmission fluid that is driving me crazy. It was sitting in our garage without a bag on it but I went and covered it with a bag even though I didn't want to get near it. The reason it is now outside our garage is...anyone want to take a guess? Yep, it's because the laminate is in there and the vapors from the transmission fluid might contaminate it. It's weird because when I write this stuff down I sound really "OUT THERE", yet in my mind when I am obsessing this all just makes perfect sense and is so real and scary. Wow! our brains are amazing. I think it really does help get things into perspective by getting them out. It's funny how OCD is so tricky. It makes us think if we do all these things and worry until we can't worry anymore and then still worry that we somehow will be safe and so will all our loved ones. I wish I could make myself believe that I don't need to worry about these things. It's like a constant little drumming in my ear saying you can't be safe unless you do this or take care of this. Anyway, my plan is to get the transmission fluid to the hazardous waste facility which is not far from here. The issue is trying to pour it into a milk jug and then transporting it there. The thought makes me miserable thinking about it. I just hate going to the hazardous recycling place and I look like an idiot wearing rubber gloves there. I wear the rubber gloves because the people that work there are handling all sorts of chemicals and then they hand you a paper and pen to fill out a form. I do not want all those mysterious chemicals and poisons spread onto my hands. I'd make my husband take care of all this stuff but then I'm afraid he won't do it "right" and get chemicals on his hands and then bring it home on him and contaminate our house. OCD is a vicious cycle and I really don't like it at all.
One of the most frustrating and painful aspects of my ocd is my awareness that what I am obsessing about sounds "out there" to even myself, and yet the surge of anxiety makes it seem so real. Your wish that you could make yourself believe that you don't need to worry about these things is one I've often had, but I'm learning that I can choose to keep doing things even with the ocd screaming, and eventually the anxiety does dissipate.
ReplyDeleteI do find that my exposure therapy has helped chip away at the credibility of ocd's demand that I get complete certainty--and I sometimes use a short-cut of saying "Is what my ocd asking for something I can't have?" ie. absolute certainty that my health symptoms are benign or that I've researched enough?