OCD, Career, and the ADA

 Hi, and welcome! 

I am 51 and went back to college in my 40's. I decided that I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I began taking classes at a local community college and got my Associate's Degree. Then, I enrolled in a university where I earned my Bachelor's of Education Degree and ESOL endorsement. I finished my Master's Degree in Education and Reading Specialization in July 2025. I sit her feeling confused as to why I am not able to find a job. Part of me thinks it's due to being in my 50's and then I start thinking no one wants me. I have done all of this education thinking it would make me a prime candidate and that hasn't happened. I had had many interviews and some I felt hopeful, only to never hear back from them. 

When I first got my teaching license in approximately 2019, I began substitute teaching. I didn't care for that, because it was stressful going to unknown schools where you don't know anyone. I was finally hired in 2020 during Covid and a Private Christian School. I was hired as a fourth grade teacher. I worked there for two years and then I put in my resignation because I was hoping to get a job at a public school. I was hoping it would give me an opportunity for better pay and benefits. I also thought it would be an opportunity to better use the skills I had learned in college. I ended up getting hired as a special education teacher, even though I didn't have an endorsement or hardly any experience in this area. I think they really needed a teacher with a license. That lasted only a few months. I didn't know what kind of setting this was until I started. It was more like a medical setting and babysitting kids that were medically fragile. We had kids that had to have a nurse attend school with them because of being fed with feeding tubes and conditions like seizures. Most of the kids were non-verbal. We had a girl that was blind and non-verbal and sensitive to heat. There were many kids in wheel chairs that had no control over there bodies. I had no idea how I was supposed to teach these kids. They had to be taken to the restroom which was a huge process. They had to be lifted out of there chairs and be diapered. There were assistants and many adults in the class coming and going and it was crazy. I was only there a few months and I knew that without some major support and in depth training, this wasn't going to work. 

I then got a job as an instructional assistant at a local elementary school. That job lasted until the end of that school year and then I got a letter that read my position had been eliminated due to budget cuts. I wasn't too upset about that because I really wanted to find a teaching job. 

I decided to ask if the private school I had worked at was hiring. They hired me back and there was an opening for a fourth grade teacher. I began teaching there in August 2023. I had disclosed to the principal that I had OCD throughout the time I worked there. There was a situation that occured in May 2025 that exacerbated my OCD to the point of me having to take a medical leave. The school had pesticides sprayed around my classroom windows, perimeter and doors without notification. All staff and students were present and I noticed because I looked out the window and saw the guy spraying them. I sent the principal an email letting her know I was concerned about the safety of myself and studnets because of this. She said it would dissipate in an hour. I told her I wanted to go home and she refused to let me leave. The next few days I called in sick, as I was triggered and didn't know what to do. I was afraid to go back to the classroom as all I could think about was chemicals being in my classroom and on everything. This actually can happen, but my OCD made it a very scary place. I feared that the chemicals could cause health issues and that I would spread them to my car and clothing and anything I had with me. I ended up taking a medical leave until the end of the school year which was only about a month and a half. The school was denying me to get paid leave through the state and then they sent me an email the end of May stating they were terminating my contract and would not be offering me a new contract for the next school year. 

I appealed my benefits being denied and had a phone hearing with my previous employer and a judge. I won the appeal and was proven that I did not purposely quit my job or act irresponsibly. I have a medical condition which is protected by the ADA. The employer said that I abandoned my job and that I didn't want to work. They also decided to add in that I wasn't meeting my job requirements. They never had said that in all of the time that I worked there. I believe they were mad at the situation and they are taking it out on me by retalliation. I filed a charge of discrimination against them and my disability. It is currently under investigation with the EEOC. I believe it's important for me and others with mental health disabilities to stand up for themselves. This employer is an a church and the pastor is the superintendant. They have handled this situation extremely poor and heartless. They never reached out to me during my leave and then blamed me for not reaching out to them, even thought I sent a letter stating I would be out until June 2025. 

I am currently employed as a substitute again, but haven't been substituting. I am feeling discouraged as I am not able to find a job. I have even applied to jobs unrelated to teaching. I filed the complaint to the EEOC in May and only now is it being investigated. I don't know how long it will take. I have also learned during this process that I can not find a lawyer that will represent me. I think employment lawyers only want to take on big companies to make money. 

Contamination - Hi, it's been a while!

 Hi, I haven't posted on here for a while. I had been reading over some previous comments and they were so kind and helpful. I feel like I have become stronger, but I still have OCD. Of course, it will always be with me. I know that, but I try my best to not let it run my life. In 2018 I graduated with a bachelors degree in elementary education. I have been teaching fourth grade for 3 years at a private school. I love it. I face OCD challenges every day, but when I am teaching I have to keep going. I can't stop because of a contamination issue. Contamination is still my number one issue I experience with OCD. Blood tops the list. 

Blood plays a huge part of my every day, besides keeping me here. I know it's beneficial. OCD contamination issues with blood isn't fun or helpful. My eyes are always looking for things that might be contaminated with blood. Even if it's not blood, if it has any sort of reddish tint to it, it must be blood. It's difficult to buy things sometimes. I am fine for the most part with buying groceries, but sometimes I have picked up an item that looks like it has blood on it. It might be a smudge from the red ink that's already on the package, but it could be blood. It really is hindering and exhausting. 

I have been obsessing about the mail since last Saturday. I got the mail and there were two packages from the pharmacy that had a random line on them with the same color. One was a short line, and the other longer and randomly placed. They were a blood color. The only reason I don't think it was really blood was because I don't think it would be in a contained line like a pen would be. Still, my mind takes caution and will believe that it was blood. Anyway, I was expecting an order of contact lenses. I thought they were supposed to be here a few days ago and I went outside to do yard work so I could get them before they went in the mailbox. It was supposed to be 100 degrees that day and I told the mail carrier I didn't want them in sitting in the mailbox. They actually didn't come until a few days later. She said she would bring them to my door. I had received notification that they would arrive today. I wasted about an hour or more standing in my garage waiting for the mail carrier. I finally went inside and when she came, I hurried outside. She was bringing them to the door which was kind of her. I told her I didn't know why I was obsessing about this package. I did know, but I wasn't going to tell her why because she would probably think I was crazy and it wouldn't make any difference. I don't even want to sanitize my mailbox, because I'm afraid to reach my arm in there and if I think something had blood on it, I don't want to get any liquid on it. My OCD says it might activate anything in the dried blood that isn't even on the mailbox. OCD is so creative. 

Spring Vacation

It was a very eventful Spring Vacation. We went camping. Camping always causes alot of extra hand washing for me and an uncomfortable feeling of dirtiness. I am out of my element of home. We camp in a small trailer. I did enjoy it, but am always so excited to get home. I do not like using public restrooms and that had to be done.
It has been quite a stressful week to say the least. Lets start by saying on Thursday evening my Husband got dizzy when he stood up and fell and fell into me and knocked me over in the kitchen. I have a big bruise on my leg. I didn't know what had happend. I tend to scream when I panic. OOPS! That doesn't help the situation. He was a little disorientated for a few seconds. I of course had to call the advice nurse and he wasn't happy with that. He never goes to the doctor. He is very stubborn. The next day I am babysitting my two year old Nephew for my Sister who had a doctors appointment that should have been short. She ended up having to check into the E.R. I went up to the hospital that evening to stay with her. She is having kidney, bladder stones, along with shingles and they don't have it all figured out yet. The hospital was raising my anxiety level alot. She did get to leave that night.
I pray that this week will be a little calmer. It is a stormy day here outside today.

*This was written a few years ago, I found it in my drafts.

Hair Color

How do I color my hair? 

Well, I used to use semi-permanent hair colors to color my grays when I began getting some in my 30's.  I didn't have a problem with it, in fact I was a licensed hair stylist for a few years.  

I am now in my early 40's and I am getting more grays.  A few years ago I started to color with my hair with henna, which is supposed to be more natural.  The last couple times I colored my hair I started to get anxiety and panic.  I usually color my hair in the morning and then in the evening I started to feel panic set in.  I had no side effects or anything, but OCD likes to make EVERYTHING dangerous. So, I started to worry about what it could do to me and if it gets into my body.  What could it do to me?  Now, I need to color my hair again as the gray is making it's way out.  I am thinking about not doing it again and letting my gray grow out which would cause a whole other set of issues. I really don't want to have gray hair yet.  I would feel embarrassed and insecure. I am already an insecure person with not a whole bunch of self-confidence.  So, today I got myself worked up thinking about what to do. I have also been doing a lot of watching you tube videos on transitioning to gray and looking up pictures of people with gray hair.  

Today I was thinking, wow, we here in America are so worried about gray hair.  People in other countries have so much bigger things to worry about.  Why are we so worried about our looks here?  I am liking that gray is a trend now, but it seems it's only trendy if you don't naturally have gray and you get it colored to look like that. 
I really don't know what I'm going to do.  

I was reading through some blog posts and I have been using henna since 2012. I wasn't sure when I started using it. Good to know. I want to know why things that were okay, all of a sudden cause fear with OCD?  This has happened with many other things as well. 

Also, I can't just color my hair whenever I want. I have to do it in the morning so that I can make sure I can go all day without having an allergic reaction before bed.  If I do it too close to bed, I will worry that something might happen during the night.  I do know that these are IRRATIONAL FEARS, but OCD doesn't care.  It treats them as if they are real and then my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicks in.  Can anyone relate with this?

Hi, it's been a while...

I decided to write again.  I have thought about it before, but sometimes I just don't want to because it makes it more real than it is.  I want to try to ignore my OCD, not write about it.  It is almost impossible to ignore though.  Every day is a struggle, but some more so than others. 

A lot has changed since the last time I have written on here.  I have been going to college at a University and I am about to graduate in May with a Bachelor's of Education.  There were many days I wanted to quit and many challenges I had to overcome to get where I am now.  

When I started school I almost quit before I went, because OCD started trying to mess with me.  The school I go to is a co-hort.  It is the same small group of students that started with each other and will graduate with each other.  We have taken all of our classes together.  

OCD was telling me...

Challenge #1
The classroom might not have good air quality, because it is old and it smells musty.  There are bricks in the inside and there might be something harmful coming off of them that you could breathe in. 

Challenge #2
Teacher ran out of gas on her way to class and had to get gas in a container and pour it in her car.  She came to the first four hour class and talked about how she smelled of gas and how it was making her feel dizzy.  OCD had a hard time with that.  I wanted to run out the door and not come back.  For the remainder of the year there were many things contaminated because of that, especially the door handle.  I used a paper towel the rest of the year to open the door.  

Challenge #3
Kids in the classroom where I do my student teaching, bleed.  They like to pick at scabs, get cut, and pull out their teeth.  Blood is hard for me to deal with.  It is one of my biggest fears and OCD triggers.  

Challenge #4
Construction in the school.  

Challenge #5 
Classmate came in one cold morning and said she had just put antifreeze in her car.  She then followed me to my classroom and sat there a while since her teacher's room was locked.  That was not what I wanted.  She was CONTAMINATING my classroom!

There have been more challenges than this, but these were some of the bigger ones. 

My medication(fluvoxomine), hasn't increased much over the years.  I have been taking it for almost 20 years, since I was 24.  I take 175 mg and you can take up to 300 mg.  My doctor suggested that I go to 200, but I am afraid to increase it, so I only increased it from 150mg to 175mg.  I do not like taking medication, but I know it is necessary, and it scares me when I have to take more, that it could do something to me. 

Don't even know what to call this!

WOW!
I have been struggling, big. So, my husband decided instead of taking our SUV in to get the heater fixed which was going to cost a small fortune, him and his dad would fix it. Oh please I hope I remember to never let him work on my car again. I'm really not blaming anyone even though it really sounds like it. Okay I'm not blaming my father-in-law because he was just trying to help.
We drove out to there house which takes about 45 minutes from our house. They decided to drill a hole through the bottom of the glove compartment to try to get inside there to do something to make it work. BIG Mistake!
Fluid started pouring out under the car and into the passenger side on the inside on the floor. Okay, it still makes me feel sick talking about it. This happened a couple days ago and it's gonna take me until we get rid of the car to get over it and then I still won't be over it because when he brought our car home stuff was leaking out onto my driveway. The contamination issue is just going to go wild for me. My father-in-law offered to pay part to get it fixed, so I told my husband to do it. This still does not solve the problem for my OCD MIND. No it does not. It doesn't matter how much the carpet in that car is scrubbed or cleaned because to me it will never be non-contaminated. To a person without OCD that would take care of the problem. I don't want my kids to ride in the car again and I don't want to ride in the car again. I am so scared. I'm afraid they will breathe it in and it will cause harm to them. Now I have to drive our 1989 Volvo with over 200,000 miles on it and it won't be running for long. This is how OCD works and it is not pretty. It makes me feel mentally ill when I am stuck in the heat of the OCD moment. I say to myself, why me?
I was a real mean person the last few days too. I'm normally a very nice person to be around. I had to apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry and to just be patient with me. It's hard too, because my son is a sophomore in highschool and he's embarrassed to be riding in the Volvo. Money is real tight right now.  I want to try to get an inexpensive smaller car for me.  I'm really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am actually dreading it. We have to go back over to my in-laws house and I'm also embarrassed for the way I got all upset and was crying and couldn't eat dinner when we were there because of my contamination fears and my car was RUINED. My husband does not understand OCD and doesn't want to understand it and he just gets mad at me. That makes it all the worse when your spouse is unsupportive. I feel pretty much all alone when it comes to dealing with my OCD.

Indecision

I have not been on here for a while. I just didn't feel like writing about and sharing my feelings or it just seems like I am complaining. I just feel that I need to express myself now. I am struggling. I have been looking for a job and it's not easy to find one. I have been a stay at home mom for the past almost 9 years. My son is now is high school and my daughter is in middle school. It has not been easy financially. I have had a few job opportunities and now my OCD is really getting in the way.

I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.

Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.

I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.

Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.

 

Living with constant FEAR

I really try to tell and remind and pray that I can surrender to God and not give into fear. God tells me to FEAR NOT. I need to listen to him.

I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!

Note to myself about Clonazapam and ibuprofen

Just want to write this so I don't have to call a pharmacist to check again. It is okay to take an ibuprofen if I have taken a clonazapam. Even though I called last week to check and then today. I need to write it down so I remember and believe it. I have started taking my clonazapam once most mornings again. I quit taking them for several months and seemed fine. It sure does help with my anxiety. I started taking them again because I was feeling like I was hyperventilating when I was breathing and couldn't get it normalized on my own, even with deep breathing. I was under alot of stress yesterday as of wrapping up a week long camping trip and my heart was beating irregularly as it does if I am stressing. I didn't go to sleep until 1:00 a.m. and woke up at 4:30 a.m. I have had a headache and lots of muscle tension the past few days. I just took an ibuprofen and hope that helps. Being a mom and wife can be stressful. The pressure I feel sometimes is overwhelming especially when we have all been together all summer and then a week of camping. I am also trying to cope with all the negativity that a family member displays on a daily basis. It's very hard when I am a glass half full person and he is a glass half empty person.

Anxiety is high

I am happy to say that as of a few days ago my anxiety over my eyes is done for now. I still do have an appointment later in the month but I have let my mind stop obsessing over it. I'm so happy about this and felt greatly relieved until other obsessions kicked in. I've just felt more stress lately and it makes my OCD worse for sure. I obsess about one thing and then it moves on to another.
Yesterday my husband had to change our brakes. I don't like it because I've read that brake pads can contain asbestos. I really don't like that he has to use brake fluid. It was challenging to wash his clothes last night and I was only worried about the paint on his shirt from painting the outside of the house. I forgot about the brake fluid. So now I have that to OCD about. I ran and wasted two load of hot water and soap throught the washing machine last night after taking his clothes out. I found two little pieces in his pocket and he said they were from the car. Oh great. I always need to check pockets but I don't. I'm afraid to put my hands in there. I now feel like I need to wash out the dryer with paper towels and soap. I don't feel like this will fully get it cleaned. I have a fear of my children's clothes especially getting contaminated with chemicals. I think this way because I have OCD. Maybe I know this is outrageous but I can't convince myself because I want one hundred percent certainty. I will never get this here in this world. I need to accept it but my OCD sure fights against it. I am dealing with so many chemical obsessions right now. Here I am awake very early and my muscles are tight and I am thinking about stupid things that are of no importance.
I think I need to go and take an ibuprofen and I'll go back to bed for a while and rest before the day begins.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I don't know if I am dealing with this right now with my eyes. I have done this with other things too. The obsession with my eyes has never been this bad or lasted this long though.  I did make an eye appointment but it's not for a few weeks because I want reassurance. I already had an eye appointment a few months ago and I thought about asking the doctor if my eyes were straight but I felt dumb. I don't know if I'll keep the appointment or what. I'm just feeling depressed and ugly right now and I hate feeling that way because it drains my energy and it's all I can focus on and I feel selfish when I'm like this.

Obsessing about my eyes.

Hey everyone.
I just feel like complaining today. I am tired from the clonazapam I took. I started taking some again last week since my anxiety has been extra high. It's just been stressful around here because up until last week for three plus years I've been babysitting my 4 year old nephew. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between having my kids home and him it is so hard. My nephew talks and asks questions non-stop. He makes loud noises. I love him but it's no picnic babysitting especially when I need some quietness in my day to not go insane.

For the last few days I've had a new obsession. It's one that goes on and off but usually doesn't last long. I remember in elementary school being at a lady's house my mom worked with and was friends with. The lady said to me " your eye turns in like mine" I never knew or thought my eye turned in. I thought that was a mean thing to say. She should have said it to my mom if anything. I have been going to the eye doctor since second grade because I needed glasses for an astigmatism. None of the doctors ever said anything to me that my eye turned in. Later when I was in beauty school I got paranoid again because this stupid girl who I was actually friends with once in a while when I was around would look at her other friend and make her eye go inward. I should have asked her why she was doing that but instead I thought my eye must turn in and she is making fun of me. I have thought about asking the eye doctor if it does but then I feel stupid or when I'm there I'm not worrying about it. I have been obsessing at looking at pictures of myself and examing my eyes and asking my husband and children. I already had my eye exam for the year but I feel like I should make another now so I can get an answer. Love all my readers out there. Hope you have a wonderful day and my God bless you.

What is that? Battery acid? Hair color dilemmas.

One of my obsessions is battery acid. I think it's a typical ocd obsession. I do not like handling batteries. I used to do it with no problem but not for a few years now. I would wear gloves to handle them. I have notice something in my microwave for a while but keep forgetting to clean it. I finally did it today. I threw away my bowl of oatmeal this morning because I thought I heard a weird noise and then made up stuff in my mind and didn't want to eat it. I took started to clean the microwave and it was a brown greasy looking stuff. Then I thought is this battery acid or what is it even though I'm pretty sure there is no battery in it. That doesn't stop my ocd from believing there might be. There is a few places that it looks like got corroded and looks like rust. It think "rationally" must be some butter that got melted and overflowed and never cleaned so it sat there and caused that to happen. The "irrational" part of me is that it is something dangerous. I put on my gloves and finish cleaning it. I actually do not have gloves on now as I type which is surprising because I do not like to contaminate my keyboard. I thought about throwing my microwave away but I didn't. I have washed my hands alot though because the gooey stuff did get on my hands.
I did something this week that I haven't done in several years. I painted my toenails. I figured I could handle it on my toes because I would not be cooking with them or putting them in my mouth.
I have been trying to find a method to color my hair without chemicals. I tryed a test patch two times with henna. It didn't get the color I wanted. I want to try my whole head but I'm scared. I'm afraid it will do something to me or interact with my anti-depressant (luvox). I have colored my hair with regular chemical hair color but I can't do it now. I am too afraid of long term affects of it and of getting it in my eyes. It seems like henna would be the best choice. I don't like that I have to leave it on a couple hours. I have my 20 year highschool reunion this Saturday. I wanted to cover my grays. I also am going back to school this fall and would like to cover my grays. I didn't care as much until now because I'm a stay-at-home mom so it's just trips to the store, school, sports and so on.

OCD overload

Oh, what a day! Yes, it's good because God is good and has given me this day. When it comes to OCD though it's been challenging. I am babysitting as I usually do. My nephew is four. We went outside to play today and were not out there very long because he stepped in some unknown substance. There is something all over the road in our cul-du-sac. I asked the neighbor if they knew what it was and they think it's motor oil. Someone put kitty litter on it but I don't know what happened because there is a stream that covers the road. There's an area with the kitty litter on it that turned into this thick nasty creamy substance. My nephew of all places decided to walk through the middle of it with his toy car we have for him. The wheels got covered and so did his shoes. It somehow got on his legs too. I went inside and got on a pair of latex gloves and came out and took off his shoes and put them in a plastic bag and took off his socks. I got papertowels with soapy water to clean off his legs. He managed to get some on his shorts so I had to change those. My OCD was high. It's like at that moment I want to start swearing and I don't swear. I feel so angry and overwhelmed in the height of the OCD moment. I don't do anything to show my anger but just feel this overwheming feeling of just wanting to run and quit and escape.
I'm feeling better now, but I still have that "on edge" feeling. It's that feeling where I could sure use a clonazapam but I haven't taken those for quite a while now. I don't want to if I can help it.
So goes it, this day in the life with OCD.

You might not understand me because I have OCD

OCD
What is this weird thing?  It's such a crazy thing. As I write I am wearing latex gloves. Why am I wearing gloves? I am because I went to buy some supplies at the fabric store and I think the person who rang up my items was a man dressed as a women. I noticed earlier because he/she sounded like a man. I looked at the name tag and it said Sam. Oh great, it must be a man. Now, I have this bag of fabric and thread sitting in my car that I want to return. I spent about an hour and a half choosing them. I probably wouldn't have even bought them if I knew he/she was going to ring me up. The cashier that was ringing people up asked me if I minded if he/she rang me up. What am I supposed to say? No. I don't think they would like that. I'm just disappointed. I don't think most people would notice or even care but because I have OCD I do. I care and it does bother me.

Summer fun and going about my business in spite of OCD

I have stayed busy this summer even though it hasn't looked much like summer around here. It is raining alot right now. It was nice earlier today and me and my daughter went and picked strawberries. I have always wanted to do that and finally did. It is alot of work but it was rewarding. It's not so easy bending and squatting and all that. I want to make some strawberry shortcake with them on the 4th. Oh ya, a bit of an OCD issue when we got to the strawberry farm. I gave our containers to the person to weigh before picking and her hands had alot of cuts on them and a bandaid. Usually I'd be like now I can't do this but I told myself her hands are probably like that from working hard on the farm and I just talked myself out of being too worried. I even ate a strawberry while picking, that I didn't wash and I didn't wash my hands either. I'm proud of myself. I have a few more issues I think I have been a big girl about. I went to a chinese garden the other day and the man who rang us up seemed like he might have been gay. I guess I'm stero-typing and again I am not predjudice, it all has to do with my OCD and fear of aids. I took the brochure he gave me and didn't wash my hands.
I took my daughter to get an italian soda the other day and it seemed to me because of the way the guy talked that was making it could have been gay and had tattoos. He cut and squeezed fresh pomegrante juice into our drinks and that made me uncomfortable but I drank it anyway.
One other issue I had was when we went out for Chinese food on my husband's birthday. I thought the waiter was gay and this is a big fear of mine. I ate my food anyway and was a big girl about it. I am proud of myself.
I am taking advantage of the library this summer by using passed they have to get into places in the city for free. So far it was the Children's museum last week and the Chinese garden. I actually found my way to the Children's museum without taking any wrong turns or getting off the path even though I've been that way alot but only once or twice a year. I am so directionally challenged it's not even funny.
My son and I helped with Vacation Bible school a few weeks ago at our church also. We had fun. We were in with the first grade class and it was big. It was a great experience.

Hope everyone is having a great summer and have a happy Fourth of July.

I haven't written anything in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about OCD. Sometimes it  feels like I'm bragging about it or something which it is nothing to brag about. I can make it sound humorous which it's really not either. I do try to look for humor in the situation because it can help me alot with it. If I can find humor in it then there is a light. It's amazing how OCD can drain my energy. I feel great and then my husband mows the lawn and comes inside and he did wash his hands but to me they still aren't clean. The reason is still because of the antifreeze that is in the shed with the lawn mower. It was in the garage but I had my husband move it because I'd rather have it in the shed than the garage.
Now to a person without OCD this will sound bizarre but I am going to share a story about the book I checked out at the library yesterday. I got this book that I was really excited about reading. It was a book on food fermentation which I'm really interested in. So, I get the book and what do ya know the author has AIDS. Some of you might already know what my OCD mind is thinking and "normal" minds wouldn't dream of this. I didn't want the book anymore because somehow maybe the author had touched the book or other people with AIDS and so on. I know it's stupid but that's how I think. I put the books on the floor in my car and wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. I put them in a plastic grocery bag so I could dispose of them at the library without touching them again. My daughter wanted to take them so I let her but told her how to do it. I hate it when I have to tell people how I want them to do something to avoid contamination or explain why I do something because I don't want them to have to participate in the ritualization and it's makes me sound very weird, even to myself when I am speaking it out loud. The books fell on the ground when she was trying to return them and the bag got stuck in the return thing. I was sitting in the car watching her but was far enough away she wouldn't be able to hear me. I felt bad because I know she probably was wondering what she should do next since I didn't want her to touch the books. When she got back to the car I gave her a wet wipe. Then, she took her earring off and started rubbing her ear. Oh great! She never takes her earring off normally unless she is changing them. I had a major episode for a few years after she got her ears pierced. I was so afraid she may had gotten hiv and then eventually had her tested when she had blood drawn for another reason.
Life in the OCD lane is very interesting is all I can say.

Insecure and just can't focus

I know that with OCD can come other things like depression and ADHD, etc. I know do experience depression but I have also been wondering if I experience ADHD too. It is so hard for me to focus on a task. I get so many ideas of things I want to do and I get excited about it and then I never start or I barely give it a chance and I give up. I have been like this my whole life. The only thing I feel I am semi-good at is being a mom. I am passionate about my children as most mothers are. When it comes to anything else than it just doesn't happen. I have had dreams about making candles and I actually did make them but after the kit was used then that was it. I make excuses for everything and it makes me mad. I have had dreams about selling things on ebay and making money, making other things and selling them and making money. Dreams of having  a nice garden, but something always gets in the way. I went shopping for some clothes this weekend and I always seem to come home empty handed. I can't find anything that looks good on me or it's too expensive. Then after thinking about doing these things and then finding reasons why I can't do them I get really tired and just want to crawl into a little ball and hide. I did something out of the ordinary and I signed up to take a class at the community college. It starts next week. It is just an online class but I had to take several steps to get there. I don't even trust myself at following through on things. That's not cool. I was going to post some things on ebay today and when I got home I noticed all the clothes are wrinkled and it's just going to be so much work and I probably won't even sell anything. I hate being so hard on myself and feeling like I'm not worthy of having success. I just don't know how to get over this mind set. I want to be successful and I belive I am worth it but I just don't know how to do it.

Burnout wash and antifreeze anxiety

I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I buy clothing for everyone but myself until mine is falling apart. I know it's sad but true. It doesn't really bother me. I wear basic clothing. Usually I wear jeans and some sort of black cotton shirt. I know it's boring. I don't like to stand out. I have felt like it would be nice to have a little more variety but I never have the money and until I lose the roll on my tummy then black is it. Anyway, I went to look for a few clothing items the other day and I actually bought them before deciding to put them back. I came home and washed them. I was looking at the tag on one of the shirts after I washed it and it said "burnout wash".  That struck some worry with me. I didn't know what it was so I looked it up on the internet. It's some type of wash they do to make it look worn. They use sulpheric acid. That's great. Now, I've had some issues with laundry being contaminated. I took back the shirt to the store yesterday. I know I should've just worn it but I couldn't.
The antifreeze will keep bothering me until it's out of our shed. I had my husband move it from the garage to the shed. I knew it would bother me because of the tools and lawn mower in there. I just didn't want it in the garage and I didn't want to move the lawn mower to the garage because it'll smell like gas and contaminate. Yesterday alot of people were mowing their lawns because it was the first nice day we've had in a while. I am dreading when my husband mows our lawn because of my fear that the lawn mower is now contaminated with the antifreeze fumes. Then when he comes inside he will contaminate everything he touches. I get so mad then that he bought that antifreeze. It just didn't have to be like this. I do not want chemicals near my home.

Yesterday was a hard day

I've had some pretty good days lately. Yesterday, the stress levels were high with OCD in full force. My day started with going to get groceries. I had got into a line to pay when I realized when I went through that particular cashiers line before she had several bandaids on each hand. I looked at her hands and she had a bandaid on her finger. It was too late to back out since there wasn't anyone in line in front of me. I thought about saying I forgot to get something and back out but I didn't. That started a hard day. I came home and washed alot of the outside packages of food and put some things in different bags from home. That went on all day and even into this morning.I didn't throw anything away though.

I then went to the pet store to get shampoo for my dog. I have gone to so many stores to get her shampoo and haven't been able to get it because it is placed by flea products. I don't use any flea products on my dog and she doesn't have fleas. She has had them but I then have to comb her out and bathe her until I get rid of them. I have put flea stuff on her and I can't stand it. Then I don't want to pet her or my children to touch her. One time I was putting the flea stuff on her and some got on my finger. That was so not cool. I look back on it now though sometimes to help get me through other things. If I got that on me and I survived then I guess I'll be okay. Anyway, back to the subject I was on. I got some shampoo but then I got home and realized it was an odor control shampoo. It had some ingredient in it that was going to bother me. I didn't try to buy that type of shampoo. I went back to return it and the lady talked me into getting another kind that I should not have got because below it on the shelf which had some small holes in the shelf was a spray bottle of flea and tick insecticide. So for me that means that somehow vapors will escape from that bottle and get on the shampoo that sat right above it. If it doesn't somehow get inside it will get on the outside of the bottle. I don't know why I even got it. I guess I thought I could handle it. I should know myself better by now. Now it sits in the garage a $7.99 bottle of shampoo that costs way more than the shampoo I buy for myself. I probably will just throw it away. I thought maybe I could pour it out into a different empty bottle but I just don't know. I don't even want to deal with it now. I was so exhausted by the end of the night. It's amazing how OCD can really wear a person out. I am trying to take it easy today and I am just staying home and relaxing.