I decided to write again. I have thought about it before, but sometimes I just don't want to because it makes it more real than it is. I want to try to ignore my OCD, not write about it. It is almost impossible to ignore though. Every day is a struggle, but some more so than others.
A lot has changed since the last time I have written on here. I have been going to college at a University and I am about to graduate in May with a Bachelor's of Education. There were many days I wanted to quit and many challenges I had to overcome to get where I am now.
When I started school I almost quit before I went, because OCD started trying to mess with me. The school I go to is a co-hort. It is the same small group of students that started with each other and will graduate with each other. We have taken all of our classes together.
OCD was telling me...
Challenge #1
The classroom might not have good air quality, because it is old and it smells musty. There are bricks in the inside and there might be something harmful coming off of them that you could breathe in.
Challenge #2
Teacher ran out of gas on her way to class and had to get gas in a container and pour it in her car. She came to the first four hour class and talked about how she smelled of gas and how it was making her feel dizzy. OCD had a hard time with that. I wanted to run out the door and not come back. For the remainder of the year there were many things contaminated because of that, especially the door handle. I used a paper towel the rest of the year to open the door.
Challenge #3
Kids in the classroom where I do my student teaching, bleed. They like to pick at scabs, get cut, and pull out their teeth. Blood is hard for me to deal with. It is one of my biggest fears and OCD triggers.
Challenge #4
Construction in the school.
Challenge #5
Classmate came in one cold morning and said she had just put antifreeze in her car. She then followed me to my classroom and sat there a while since her teacher's room was locked. That was not what I wanted. She was CONTAMINATING my classroom!
There have been more challenges than this, but these were some of the bigger ones.
My medication(fluvoxomine), hasn't increased much over the years. I have been taking it for almost 20 years, since I was 24. I take 175 mg and you can take up to 300 mg. My doctor suggested that I go to 200, but I am afraid to increase it, so I only increased it from 150mg to 175mg. I do not like taking medication, but I know it is necessary, and it scares me when I have to take more, that it could do something to me.
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