I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.
Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.
I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.
Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.
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