Living with constant FEAR

I really try to tell and remind and pray that I can surrender to God and not give into fear. God tells me to FEAR NOT. I need to listen to him.

I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!

Note to myself about Clonazapam and ibuprofen

Just want to write this so I don't have to call a pharmacist to check again. It is okay to take an ibuprofen if I have taken a clonazapam. Even though I called last week to check and then today. I need to write it down so I remember and believe it. I have started taking my clonazapam once most mornings again. I quit taking them for several months and seemed fine. It sure does help with my anxiety. I started taking them again because I was feeling like I was hyperventilating when I was breathing and couldn't get it normalized on my own, even with deep breathing. I was under alot of stress yesterday as of wrapping up a week long camping trip and my heart was beating irregularly as it does if I am stressing. I didn't go to sleep until 1:00 a.m. and woke up at 4:30 a.m. I have had a headache and lots of muscle tension the past few days. I just took an ibuprofen and hope that helps. Being a mom and wife can be stressful. The pressure I feel sometimes is overwhelming especially when we have all been together all summer and then a week of camping. I am also trying to cope with all the negativity that a family member displays on a daily basis. It's very hard when I am a glass half full person and he is a glass half empty person.

Anxiety is high

I am happy to say that as of a few days ago my anxiety over my eyes is done for now. I still do have an appointment later in the month but I have let my mind stop obsessing over it. I'm so happy about this and felt greatly relieved until other obsessions kicked in. I've just felt more stress lately and it makes my OCD worse for sure. I obsess about one thing and then it moves on to another.
Yesterday my husband had to change our brakes. I don't like it because I've read that brake pads can contain asbestos. I really don't like that he has to use brake fluid. It was challenging to wash his clothes last night and I was only worried about the paint on his shirt from painting the outside of the house. I forgot about the brake fluid. So now I have that to OCD about. I ran and wasted two load of hot water and soap throught the washing machine last night after taking his clothes out. I found two little pieces in his pocket and he said they were from the car. Oh great. I always need to check pockets but I don't. I'm afraid to put my hands in there. I now feel like I need to wash out the dryer with paper towels and soap. I don't feel like this will fully get it cleaned. I have a fear of my children's clothes especially getting contaminated with chemicals. I think this way because I have OCD. Maybe I know this is outrageous but I can't convince myself because I want one hundred percent certainty. I will never get this here in this world. I need to accept it but my OCD sure fights against it. I am dealing with so many chemical obsessions right now. Here I am awake very early and my muscles are tight and I am thinking about stupid things that are of no importance.
I think I need to go and take an ibuprofen and I'll go back to bed for a while and rest before the day begins.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I don't know if I am dealing with this right now with my eyes. I have done this with other things too. The obsession with my eyes has never been this bad or lasted this long though.  I did make an eye appointment but it's not for a few weeks because I want reassurance. I already had an eye appointment a few months ago and I thought about asking the doctor if my eyes were straight but I felt dumb. I don't know if I'll keep the appointment or what. I'm just feeling depressed and ugly right now and I hate feeling that way because it drains my energy and it's all I can focus on and I feel selfish when I'm like this.

Obsessing about my eyes.

Hey everyone.
I just feel like complaining today. I am tired from the clonazapam I took. I started taking some again last week since my anxiety has been extra high. It's just been stressful around here because up until last week for three plus years I've been babysitting my 4 year old nephew. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between having my kids home and him it is so hard. My nephew talks and asks questions non-stop. He makes loud noises. I love him but it's no picnic babysitting especially when I need some quietness in my day to not go insane.

For the last few days I've had a new obsession. It's one that goes on and off but usually doesn't last long. I remember in elementary school being at a lady's house my mom worked with and was friends with. The lady said to me " your eye turns in like mine" I never knew or thought my eye turned in. I thought that was a mean thing to say. She should have said it to my mom if anything. I have been going to the eye doctor since second grade because I needed glasses for an astigmatism. None of the doctors ever said anything to me that my eye turned in. Later when I was in beauty school I got paranoid again because this stupid girl who I was actually friends with once in a while when I was around would look at her other friend and make her eye go inward. I should have asked her why she was doing that but instead I thought my eye must turn in and she is making fun of me. I have thought about asking the eye doctor if it does but then I feel stupid or when I'm there I'm not worrying about it. I have been obsessing at looking at pictures of myself and examing my eyes and asking my husband and children. I already had my eye exam for the year but I feel like I should make another now so I can get an answer. Love all my readers out there. Hope you have a wonderful day and my God bless you.

What is that? Battery acid? Hair color dilemmas.

One of my obsessions is battery acid. I think it's a typical ocd obscession. I do not like handling batteries. I used to do it with no problem but not for a few years now. I would wear gloves to handle them. I have notice something in my microwave for a while but keep forgetting to clean it. I finally did it today. I threw away my bowl of oatmeal this morning because I thought I heard a weird noise and then made up stuff in my mind and didn't want to eat it. I took started to clean the microwave and it was a brown greasy looking stuff. Then I thought is this battery acid or what is it even though I'm pretty sure there is no battery in it. That doesn't stop my ocd from believing there might be. There is a few places that it looks like got corroded and looks like rust. It think "rationally" must be some butter that got melted and overflowed and never cleaned so it sat there and caused that to happen. The "irrational" part of me is that it is something dangerous. I put on my gloves and finish cleaning it. I actually do not have gloves on now as I type which is surprising because I do not like to contaminate my keyboard. I thought about throwing my microwave away but I didn't. I have washed my hands alot though because the gooey stuff did get on my hands.
I did something this week that I haven't done in several years. I painted my toenails. I figured I could handle it on my toes because I would not be cooking with them or putting them in my mouth.
I have been trying to find a method to color my hair without chemicals. I tryed a test patch two times with henna. It didn't get the color I wanted. I want to try my whole head but I'm scared. I'm afraid it will do something to me or interact with my anti-depressant (luvox). I have colored my hair with regular chemical hair color but I can't do it now. I am too afraid of long term affects of it and of getting it in my eyes. It seems like henna would be the best choice. I don't like that I have to leave it on a couple hours. I have my 20 year highschool reunion this Saturday. I wanted to cover my grays. I also am going back to school this fall and would like to cover my grays. I didn't care as much until now because I'm a stay-at-home mom so it's just trips to the store, school, sports and so on.

OCD overload

Oh, what a day! Yes, it's good because God is good and has given me this day. When it comes to OCD though it's been challenging. I am babysitting as I usually do. My nephew is four. We went outside to play today and were not out there very long because he stepped in some unknown substance. There is something all over the road in our cul-du-sac. I asked the neighbor if they knew what it was and they think it's motor oil. Someone put kitty litter on it but I don't know what happened because there is a stream that covers the road. There's an area with the kitty litter on it that turned into this thick nasty creamy substance. My nephew of all places decided to walk through the middle of it with his toy car we have for him. The wheels got covered and so did his shoes. It somehow got on his legs too. I went inside and got on a pair of latex gloves and came out and took off his shoes and put them in a plastic bag and took off his socks. I got papertowels with soapy water to clean off his legs. He managed to get some on his shorts so I had to change those. My OCD was high. It's like at that moment I want to start swearing and I don't swear. I feel so angry and overwhelmed in the height of the OCD moment. I don't do anything to show my anger but just feel this overwheming feeling of just wanting to run and quit and escape.
I'm feeling better now, but I still have that "on edge" feeling. It's that feeling where I could sure use a clonazapam but I haven't taken those for quite a while now. I don't want to if I can help it.
So goes it, this day in the life with OCD.

You might not understand me because I have OCD

OCD
What is this weird thing?  It's such a crazy thing. As I write I am wearing latex gloves. Why am I wearing gloves? I am because I went to buy some supplies at the fabric store and I think the person who rang up my items was a man dressed as a women. I noticed earlier because he/she sounded like a man. I looked at the name tag and it said Sam. Oh great, it must be a man. Now, I have this bag of fabric and thread sitting in my car that I want to return. I spent about an hour and a half choosing them. I probably wouldn't have even bought them if I knew he/she was going to ring me up. The cashier that was ringing people up asked me if I minded if he/she rang me up. What am I supposed to say? No. I don't think they would like that. I'm just disappointed. I don't think most people would notice or even care but because I have OCD I do. I care and it does bother me.

Summer fun and going about my business in spite of OCD

I have stayed busy this summer even though it hasn't looked much like summer around here. It is raining alot right now. It was nice earlier today and me and my daughter went and picked strawberries. I have always wanted to do that and finally did. It is alot of work but it was rewarding. It's not so easy bending and squatting and all that. I want to make some strawberry shortcake with them on the 4th. Oh ya, a bit of an OCD issue when we got to the strawberry farm. I gave our containers to the person to weigh before picking and her hands had alot of cuts on them and a bandaid. Usually I'd be like now I can't do this but I told myself her hands are probably like that from working hard on the farm and I just talked myself out of being too worried. I even ate a strawberry while picking, that I didn't wash and I didn't wash my hands either. I'm proud of myself. I have a few more issues I think I have been a big girl about. I went to a chinese garden the other day and the man who rang us up seemed like he might have been gay. I guess I'm stero-typing and again I am not predjudice, it all has to do with my OCD and fear of aids. I took the brochure he gave me and didn't wash my hands.
I took my daughter to get an italian soda the other day and it seemed to me because of the way the guy talked that was making it could have been gay and had tattoos. He cut and squeezed fresh pomegrante juice into our drinks and that made me uncomfortable but I drank it anyway.
One other issue I had was when we went out for Chinese food on my husband's birthday. I thought the waiter was gay and this is a big fear of mine. I ate my food anyway and was a big girl about it. I am proud of myself.
I am taking advantage of the library this summer by using passed they have to get into places in the city for free. So far it was the Children's museum last week and the Chinese garden. I actually found my way to the Children's museum without taking any wrong turns or getting off the path even though I've been that way alot but only once or twice a year. I am so directionally challenged it's not even funny.
My son and I helped with Vacation Bible school a few weeks ago at our church also. We had fun. We were in with the first grade class and it was big. It was a great experience.

Hope everyone is having a great summer and have a happy Fourth of July.

I haven't written anything in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about OCD. Sometimes it  feels like I'm bragging about it or something which it is nothing to brag about. I can make it sound humorous which it's really not either. I do try to look for humor in the situation because it can help me alot with it. If I can find humor in it then there is a light. It's amazing how OCD can drain my energy. I feel great and then my husband mows the lawn and comes inside and he did wash his hands but to me they still aren't clean. The reason is still because of the antifreeze that is in the shed with the lawn mower. It was in the garage but I had my husband move it because I'd rather have it in the shed than the garage.
Now to a person without OCD this will sound bizarre but I am going to share a story about the book I checked out at the library yesterday. I got this book that I was really excited about reading. It was a book on food fermentation which I'm really interested in. So, I get the book and what do ya know the author has AIDS. Some of you might already know what my OCD mind is thinking and "normal" minds wouldn't dream of this. I didn't want the book anymore because somehow maybe the author had touched the book or other people with AIDS and so on. I know it's stupid but that's how I think. I put the books on the floor in my car and wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. I put them in a plastic grocery bag so I could dispose of them at the library without touching them again. My daughter wanted to take them so I let her but told her how to do it. I hate it when I have to tell people how I want them to do something to avoid contamination or explain why I do something because I don't want them to have to participate in the ritualization and it's makes me sound very weird, even to myself when I am speaking it out loud. The books fell on the ground when she was trying to return them and the bag got stuck in the return thing. I was sitting in the car watching her but was far enough away she wouldn't be able to hear me. I felt bad because I know she probably was wondering what she should do next since I didn't want her to touch the books. When she got back to the car I gave her a wet wipe. Then, she took her earring off and started rubbing her ear. Oh great! She never takes her earring off normally unless she is changing them. I had a major episode for a few years after she got her ears pierced. I was so afraid she may had gotten hiv and then eventually had her tested when she had blood drawn for another reason.
Life in the OCD lane is very interesting is all I can say.

Insecure and just can't focus

I know that with OCD can come other things like depression and ADHD, etc. I know do experience depression but I have also been wondering if I experience ADHD too. It is so hard for me to focus on a task. I get so many ideas of things I want to do and I get excited about it and then I never start or I barely give it a chance and I give up. I have been like this my whole life. The only thing I feel I am semi-good at is being a mom. I am passionate about my children as most mothers are. When it comes to anything else than it just doesn't happen. I have had dreams about making candles and I actually did make them but after the kit was used then that was it. I make excuses for everything and it makes me mad. I have had dreams about selling things on ebay and making money, making other things and selling them and making money. Dreams of having  a nice garden, but something always gets in the way. I went shopping for some clothes this weekend and I always seem to come home empty handed. I can't find anything that looks good on me or it's too expensive. Then after thinking about doing these things and then finding reasons why I can't do them I get really tired and just want to crawl into a little ball and hide. I did something out of the ordinary and I signed up to take a class at the community college. It starts next week. It is just an online class but I had to take several steps to get there. I don't even trust myself at following through on things. That's not cool. I was going to post some things on ebay today and when I got home I noticed all the clothes are wrinkled and it's just going to be so much work and I probably won't even sell anything. I hate being so hard on myself and feeling like I'm not worthy of having success. I just don't know how to get over this mind set. I want to be successful and I belive I am worth it but I just don't know how to do it.

Burnout wash and antifreeze anxiety

I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I buy clothing for everyone but myself until mine is falling apart. I know it's sad but true. It doesn't really bother me. I wear basic clothing. Usually I wear jeans and some sort of black cotton shirt. I know it's boring. I don't like to stand out. I have felt like it would be nice to have a little more variety but I never have the money and until I lose the roll on my tummy then black is it. Anyway, I went to look for a few clothing items the other day and I actually bought them before deciding to put them back. I came home and washed them. I was looking at the tag on one of the shirts after I washed it and it said "burnout wash".  That struck some worry with me. I didn't know what it was so I looked it up on the internet. It's some type of wash they do to make it look worn. They use sulpheric acid. That's great. Now, I've had some issues with laundry being contaminated. I took back the shirt to the store yesterday. I know I should've just worn it but I couldn't.
The antifreeze will keep bothering me until it's out of our shed. I had my husband move it from the garage to the shed. I knew it would bother me because of the tools and lawn mower in there. I just didn't want it in the garage and I didn't want to move the lawn mower to the garage because it'll smell like gas and contaminate. Yesterday alot of people were mowing their lawns because it was the first nice day we've had in a while. I am dreading when my husband mows our lawn because of my fear that the lawn mower is now contaminated with the antifreeze fumes. Then when he comes inside he will contaminate everything he touches. I get so mad then that he bought that antifreeze. It just didn't have to be like this. I do not want chemicals near my home.

Yesterday was a hard day

I've had some pretty good days lately. Yesterday, the stress levels were high with OCD in full force. My day started with going to get groceries. I had got into a line to pay when I realized when I went through that particular cashiers line before she had several bandaids on each hand. I looked at her hands and she had a bandaid on her finger. It was too late to back out since there wasn't anyone in line in front of me. I thought about saying I forgot to get something and back out but I didn't. That started a hard day. I came home and washed alot of the outside packages of food and put some things in different bags from home. That went on all day and even into this morning.I didn't throw anything away though.

I then went to the pet store to get shampoo for my dog. I have gone to so many stores to get her shampoo and haven't been able to get it because it is placed by flea products. I don't use any flea products on my dog and she doesn't have fleas. She has had them but I then have to comb her out and bathe her until I get rid of them. I have put flea stuff on her and I can't stand it. Then I don't want to pet her or my children to touch her. One time I was putting the flea stuff on her and some got on my finger. That was so not cool. I look back on it now though sometimes to help get me through other things. If I got that on me and I survived then I guess I'll be okay. Anyway, back to the subject I was on. I got some shampoo but then I got home and realized it was an odor control shampoo. It had some ingredient in it that was going to bother me. I didn't try to buy that type of shampoo. I went back to return it and the lady talked me into getting another kind that I should not have got because below it on the shelf which had some small holes in the shelf was a spray bottle of flea and tick insecticide. So for me that means that somehow vapors will escape from that bottle and get on the shampoo that sat right above it. If it doesn't somehow get inside it will get on the outside of the bottle. I don't know why I even got it. I guess I thought I could handle it. I should know myself better by now. Now it sits in the garage a $7.99 bottle of shampoo that costs way more than the shampoo I buy for myself. I probably will just throw it away. I thought maybe I could pour it out into a different empty bottle but I just don't know. I don't even want to deal with it now. I was so exhausted by the end of the night. It's amazing how OCD can really wear a person out. I am trying to take it easy today and I am just staying home and relaxing.

Anxiety overload

The last couple weeks I have just felt so overwhelmed with anxiety. It has been affecting me physically. I have been carrrying it all in my neck and shoulders and having alot of headaches. My dog is barking right now and it sounds like a mega phone blasting in my ears. I always am sensitive to noise but when anxiety is high then it's worse. I know that I haven't been taking my clonazepam and there would be some relief with that but I just don't want to become dependant on it. It is an addictive drug which I don't feel addicted too and my doctor said it's such a low dose I shouldn't become addicted. It's probably my ocd that thinks I shouldn't take it. I did read something saying that your body can have a hard time relaxing itself if you have been taking a benzopene for a long period of time. I'm pretty sure some excercise would help but easier said than done. I have such a hard time getting myself or finding a method of excercise since I experience social anxiety as well. My breathing has been in a hyper-ventilation way even though others wouldn't notice. My shoulders and back just aching and on fire then causing sore muscles throughout my back up into my neck and causing headaches. I've had to take ibuprofen every day and lay with a heating pad on my neck and back. It mostly all started when I decided I was going to stop watching my toddler nephew. I have been watching him for several years and I decided I'm done. I just felt so guilty about it. There are some other issues in the family too but I know that really got me going. Once my body starts feeling that way it takes a while for it to feel better.
Thankfully the sun was out yesterday and today. That is always nice.

Another day in OCD land

Usually, I wouldn't even post on a day like today. I think you might know by the date. I usually avoid any appointment or anything that could be recorded on paper on this day. I don't like the number. I don't make any major purchase on days of this number. It's not that I really believe the superstions but I don't want to take a chance. OCD rears it's ugly head on it.
I am tired and irritable today. I have been tired this whole week especially in the afternoon. It might be because we have to get up early again now that school is back in session.
So, a few things happened today that my OCD didn't like. I went to target which I don't think I'm going to go there for a while because I'm really annoyed with them trying to shove their dumb 5% savings credit card on me. One girl made me feel violated last time. I wished I had said something to her. She's like may I ask why you wouldn't want to save blah, blah, and I said I don't want any more cards and she's like it's just like a debit card well I guess she didn't get it because she obviously doesn't care about me saving money anyway she just wants whatever she gets out of it for herself. I don't like having to listen to it every time I go there. Anyway, I bought some dishwasher detergent and then I noticed afterward before I left it had some dirty gunk on the outside of it. I was going to just take it home but I decided I don't have time to deal with this so I went back in and returned it. That lady made me feel like I was an idiot. I guess I should have said I don't want it because it is dirty but I said I got the wrong kind. Doesn't that ever happen?   Then she said in a snotty tone, "You got the wrong kind?" Then she even said it again. I said yeah I guess I should pay better attention next time and I apologized which I shouldn't have. So, I was irked about that. I guess I should have been snotty back but that's just not me. I don't want to be like that anyway. It's ugly. I like to be nice.
Oh ya, the other thing that happened but I stopped at the bank and noticed they had de-icer sprayed on the parking lot. I was fine with walking on it but then on the way back I notice my pant leg was touching the ground. Great!  Usually I would throw them away but I can't since I only have a couple pairs of jeans. Now, I'm going to have to wash them several times in hot water and then run an empty load to clean the washer which will still feel contaminated. Then I will feel like I am contaminating the dryer by putting them in there. If it was just me it might be easier but I feel like I am contaminating everyone's clothes in the house. I want to take a nap, but I am babysitting today and he is pushing my buttons. They seem to know when your day isn't the greatest. It's probably the way I react though.

Holidays and some eye OCD

One more day until my kids are back in school. They had three weeks off because an extra week was thrown in with budget cuts. It has gone pretty good. I know they are ready to go back even if they don't know it. The holidays went pretty good here. Usually, I get sad feeling during the holidays for no apparent reason but I didn't. I'm happy about that. I haven't blogged for a while and usually that's a good thing for me because I'm usually doing good. I have been so busy too. At the moment I'm OCDing but not freaking out about my eyes. I have a thing with my eyes getting damaged by sun, lazers, welding. I was burning some pictures and I somehow think the lazer is going to get to my eyes and cause damage even though I can't see the lazer.  I don't even like to look at photos of the sun or pictures of the sun on t.v. because I think it could hurt my eyes. I was watching Ellen the other day and Howie Mandel came on with this teeth whitener thing on and he told people there and at home not to look at him because it might damage your eyes. That was after watching it for a few minutes. I really logically don't thing it can hurt your eyes from t.v. but that's my OCD. I don't care if people laugh at me for that. It is kind of funny.