Ebb and Flow of OCD

I guess that's how it works. Things can be going smoothly for a day or even a week or longer and I think I'm doing fine but that's the funny thing is it just can't stay smooth. There is a wave and I never know when it will occur. This weekend I have been experiencing alot of anxiety. It's the summer days of having the kids home I think. We don't have something to do every second and then that can cause friction. My daughter's good friend that lived next door moved and her other friend is sick with mono. so is on bed rest for a month. She doesn't seem to want to meet any other friends but complains about being bored and having no one to play with. My anxiety starts to go crazy when she is bored and has nothing to do and we have been arguing with each other lately which we usually don't. I think I usually let her have alot of things her way when my OCD is going crazy and then when I have to crack down on her and I'm not even raising my voice she says I'm yelling at her. It's hard. I love her so much and I just want what is best for her. I was letting her stay up later until 8:30 or 9:00 because I thought she could handle it in the summer. I was wrong. I also was thinking how nice it's been that she hasn't been so whiny and mood swings but I think lack of sleep brought all that back full swing. I have just felt like I'm going to lose my mind the past few days. Our floor still isn't finished. It looks the same as the picture in the previous post. We attempted to finish it but my husband said he has to have his dad help him. He doesn't really have much experience with a saw and isn't able to do the cuts needed. I want my floor finished now. I am trying very hard to be patient but I am losing patience quickly. Oh yes, how could I forget. We went and picked up my daughter's friend that moved today and they are playing now outside. It's such a coincidence (HA, HA, HA,HA, HA) that there was a nice big bottle of ROUND-UP sitting on the sidewalk ready to go do some weed spraying. I don't know if they already did some or not so of course I am worried that the friend probably has some on her shoes and even though I have them take there shoes off it somehow will get on the padding laid out before the laminate floor goes on it. I am venting if you can't tell. This is a moment of anxiety. I am letting my daughter take slimy tadpoles out of our pool now and TOUCHING them while she puts them in containers to take to the park and put in the stream. Ick, I must be CRAZY!

Update on flooring

I have tackled what I was so afraid of. I have had some anxiety but not like I thought I would. We are not done installing yet. My husband and me are not the best handy people. It took a long time to get it all figured out but we steadily moved along when we got a pattern going. I still don't like the sawdust part of it. Part of my OCD makes me afraid of breathing in bad things and it staying in my lungs. I am really afraid of inhaling particles of broken glass or eating it on chipped dishes, styrofoam, fumes, and I can't think of the other things now. Oh, I'm afraid that when I eat a piece of candy or something out of a plastic wrapper that a piece of plastic might somehow get into my mouth and I won't notice and I'll breathe it in. Yep, it's part of the fun of having OCD.

Flooring...

This is the weekend. We tore out carpet last night and I did fine. I even helped some and let my daughter.  I think I'm going to survive without a major episode. I think I've already done most of my obsessing the past month over it. Let's hope for the best.

Feeling foggy and like I'm gonna lose control

Some days when I wake up I just feel foggy. I guess that's the best way to describe it. I don't know it it's from my medication or stress or what causes it. I have felt kind of overwhelmed the last few days. My children are home for summer and I've been running like crazy with basketball camp and baseball. My daughter and I have had alot of butting heads. If she is bored she wants to eat. It is so hard for me to keep telling her no and it does get annoying. As soon as she is done with lunch she wants something else. It's like a constant need to have something in her mouth. This has always been a struggle with her. I like food too so I understand but I know how to stop and not keep eating. I don't think she understands. She thinks I am mean when I tell her she can't have something. Thankfully, my son is not like that. I would really be losing it then. Today is cloudy again and it's starting to be depressing. We have been having alot of rain. It is summer! I wore my jeans and winter coat to the store today. That was another fun experience all in itself. I started by looking for some duct tape for our flooring project. It was across from paint thinners and all that lovely stuff. Oh ya, it did smell. I said to my daughter come on quick as we hurried away from there. You think I'm going to buy the tape that is permiated with the vapors of PAINT THINNER. I just couldn't do it. I was overly anxious to begin with. Then onto the brooms that I need. I couldn't get that because it was across from varnishes and all of that kind of junk. On to the masks that I want my husband to wear when cutting our laminate flooring so he doesn't inhale the ALUMINUM OXIDE particles that might fly off it. I know he won't even wear the mask. He doesn't care about all that stuff. OVERLOAD! 
While looking at the masks I touched a package one was in and it looked like something might have spilled on the outside of it. Who knows what. I just wanted to go home but I decided just to have my daughter get all the items we needed and put them in the cart. We got our groceries and she had fun getting the stuff. Sometimes I just feel like a complete psycho woman. I hate putting my kids through that too. When I came home I knew I needed to take a clonazopam. I do feel much better now. It helps to take that edge off. I am so thankful for that. I don't take it everyday, but it can be a lifesaver in times like these.

Money

I try not to handle money. I just use my debit card. I always seem to find something dirty or especially something that looks like blood on my money. It's kind of weird how I always find things that look like blood on my money or other things. So something that's actually kind of funny happened with me and my money the other day. It wasn't funny then though. I told my husband I would cash his birthday check for him. Do you think I got crisp clean bills at the bank. NO!  It had some sort of mess on the back of it that of course in my OCD mind had to be blood. What to do...I came home and held it by the corner and put it in an atm envelope. I then went back to the bank atm and deposited it. I then had to withdraw money from the atm. My husband doesn't care what kind of crud is on his money but I do because then he is going to touch it and get it on me somehow.

Fear of words

I just want to say that I really want to participate and comment on blogs I read. This is one of the things I struggle with. Writing or saying something that becomes a permanent statement. I start to write something and then my mind races and I erase it because it might cause something bad to happen. It just is my OCD holding me back from doing things I want to do and communicating with other people. I'm also afraid of saying the wrong thing at the doctors in fear it will stay on my medical chart. I won't even email the doctor office anymore because I don't want what I've emailed to go in my permanent record. Reading your blogs of those who also have OCD have been a great comfort to me.  If I am feeling alot of anxiety I feel like I can come here and get peace by knowing other people out there know what I am going through. I continue to learn and relate to you and thank you for sharing. It doesn't mean that I'll never post a comment. I guess it just depends on my anxiety level.

OCD

OCD is never satisfied.

Do you really want to know what this is?  Just the other day I was all worked up over my laminate flooring and now I have it. It is sitting in my garage waiting to be installed. I am okay and feeling good about my choice now. We will see once we start installing it. So anyway, what is in this bag is a tub of transmission fluid. We had a mishap when it came to doing some car work ourselves last summer and this is the result of it some transmission fluid that is driving me crazy. It was sitting in our garage without a bag on it but I went and covered it with a bag even though I didn't want to get near it. The reason it is now outside our garage is...anyone want to take a guess? Yep, it's because the laminate is in there and the vapors from the transmission fluid might contaminate it. It's weird because when I write this stuff down I sound really "OUT THERE", yet in my mind when I am obsessing this all just makes perfect sense and is so real and scary. Wow! our brains are amazing. I think it really does help get things into perspective by getting them out. It's funny how OCD is so tricky. It makes us think if we do all these things and worry until we can't worry anymore and then still worry that we somehow will be safe and so will all our loved ones. I wish I could make myself believe that I don't need to worry about these things. It's like a constant little drumming in my ear saying you can't be safe unless you do this or take care of this. Anyway, my plan is to get the transmission fluid to the hazardous waste facility which is not far from here. The issue is trying to pour it into a milk jug and then transporting it there. The thought makes me miserable thinking about it. I just hate going to the hazardous recycling place and I look like an idiot wearing rubber gloves there. I wear the rubber gloves because the people that work there are handling all sorts of chemicals and then they hand you a paper and pen to fill out a form. I do not want all those mysterious chemicals and poisons spread onto my hands. I'd make my husband take care of all this stuff but then I'm afraid he won't do it "right" and get chemicals on his hands and then bring it home on him and contaminate our house. OCD is a vicious cycle and I really don't like it at all.

Darned if you do and darned it you don't!

It is true. SO TRUE. I can see you who have made comments agree with me. You just are darned either way. Live your life with doubts and be miserable or be miserable making choices you are fearful of. I guess it's true that I want to be CERTAIN of everything and I can't be. I just can't. No one can because it's not possible except for God. For  now, I've given up the idea of the laminate flooring. We have lived in this house for 12 years and the carpet has gone through alot. My husband said he was used to it and didn't get mad about the flooring. He probably expected me to change my mind, after all it is what I do best. It really does help having support from you out there who do know what I am talking about and experiencing.
Thank You.

Flooring. Is any of it safe?

I know I haven't been writing very often. It just seems like when things cool off with OCD for a while then I don't have anything to write about. Lately, I have been dealing with flooring. I know it sounds boring. We had a pipe freeze and break last winter. Water flooded the laundry room and into the hall and we had to pull up part of the carpet padding. I want to replace our flooring but I just don't know what to do. I have researched almost every website and I thought I found the solution. I was going to go buy it today. I am now not going to buy it today and I'm sure my husband will probably be disappointed. I was all fine and dandy and now I've chickened out. I found a laminate flooring and it was in our budget and it was even greenguard certified which means it's has gone through lots of testing to make sure it's safe for the air quality for VOC's. Most people probably don't know or care what a VOC is. It is Volatile Organic Compound. It's found in almost everything. So, the reason I don't want it is because it's coated with something called aluminum oxide. I have no proof this is going to be harmful. I just was thinking of alzheimer's and aluminum and how people have said it could contribute to it. I of course got on the computer and had to start "researching." I didn't find much but I don't want to go buy the new flooring now. Even the eco-friendly options have stuff in them that are not good or they are way too expensive. My carpet now really is not in good shape and I just may have it for a lot longer if I can't decide what to do. It's so frustrating. I was starting to have my hyper-ventilation breathing which just feels like I'm not breathing naturally but no one else notices and I did not sleep good because of this. I am feeling sleepy now because I took a clonazapam. I am not going to go to sleep though because I have so much other stuff to do. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. That's another thing I need to work on is getting myself on a schedule. Don't know if that'll happen. LOL.