Scared

I have had a very emotional day today.
I took my daughter in to get her tummy checked since it's been bothering her. I guess she was due for her yearly check-up so we did that when we were there. If you've been reading my blog the past week you know what I've been dealing with. I couldn't decide if my daughter had to get blood drawn if I should go ahead and have the hiv test done too since it's all in on poke. She did have to get blood drawn and I went ahead and did the hiv also. When I asked her doctor about doing it she said we can do it if it makes me sleep better at night. It doesn't sound like she was happy with me. She told me last year when I told her about my concern that we could do a test even though she felt it wasn't necessary. I feel sick about it and then thought to myself I shouldn't have done it. They said it takes 2 to 10 days for the results. That's like an eternity. I've let my OCD defeat me. I was so upset when I got home. I'm upping my clonazepam for a while. My birthday is  Sunday.  It seems like something always goes on around my birthday with OCD. I felt like I wanted to call and tell them to cancel the test but then what good would that do? Now it's done. I can pray and hope for the best.
My Mother is also still in the hospital. She had bariatric surgery done on Wednesday. She was supposed to go home today but is having some complications. They found she is having leakage and now she is back in surgery. This is also causing alot of anxiety for me. I love my mom. It's not fun dealing with this when she has always been a healthy person and such an important person to me. I haven't even been able to go see her because I have been sick all week with a fever and congestion.
I think I've reached a low point right now. God please give me strength, hope, encouragement and please bring health and healing upon my mom and my family. Amen.

A Christian Cure for OCD? | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

A Christian Cure for OCD? Christianity Today A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

Not doing so good today

I've been on here alot lately and that's not a good thing. The less I write the better I am doing. First of all I have had the flu for the past few days. I am very achey. My daughter had it earlier in the week and my husband stayed home yesterday because he had it. I just take and ibuprofen every six to eight hours and it helps. I think I have a respiratory infection and fever. My back is aching now and this anxiety I am feeling about HIV again is really making things worse. My mom is having bariatric bypass surgery tomorrow for weight loss. She has struggled with her weight for many years so now has decided to do this. I'm sure this is adding to my anxiety too. I have to babysit my 3 year old nephew tomorrow and Friday. I usually watch him every Monday and Tuesday but my Mom and Dad usually watch him the other days so we traded because of the surgery.  My daughter has and appointment on Friday to get her tummy checked since she keeps saying she has a tummy ache. If she has to have blood drawn I wonder if I should just have the hiv test done too. I can't stand the thought of it. I know I am making myself miserable now but the thought of the waiting and all that for the results makes me want to vomit. If the result was negative I'm sure I would be very happy and I wouldn't think the results were false and I would move on. It' the what if they were positive. Of course the appointment isn't until Friday so I have all that time to sit and OBSESS. I just feel like such a loser when I feel like this. I feel so weak and afraid and embarrased that I keep bringing this up. How can it be that it goes away and I don't worry about it and then I see blood from my daughter pulling her tooth out and WHAM it just comes back to haunt me and torture me. I just want to wake up from this bad dream I am having.

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Fear

Here returns a haunting fear of mine. It comes and goes. When it's here it's bad. It takes me to a place where I dread going. A place I always think I never want to return. Why does it go away and then come back. I guess it's always in the back of my mind and then when it wants it viciously invades and takes over and drags me down with it. With my OCD, I have a terrible fear of aids/hiv. I used to fear myself getting it but not to an extreme. My daughter got her ears pierced two years ago. I knew that it would cause great anxiety for me. I try to be brave and not let my OCD get in the way of my children doing things. I let her do it. It was a really hard decision. The moment they pierced them I was strucken with total fear and my mind went crazy. She was crying to, so that made my anxiety even worse. Oh, it hurts to even go to that place. I didn't want to get out of bed the next day. The feelings of depression, doom, and what have I done all were so real. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I was sure she probably got hiv from it. I still get so afraid of it. I am just as afraid to have her tested for it. Today I am feeling those anxieties again. If she gets sick or bleeds or has to go the the doctors it makes it worse. She pulled out her tooth yesterday and came out in the kitchen with blood everywhere. Then I feel bad thinking I can't even touch her blood because it could be contaminated. This makes me feel awful. She was helping me cut vegetables up for stew on Saturday and she cut nicked her finger. She said she didn't cut herself but then I noticed she had a bandaid on. I decided not to serve or eat the soup. This is just confirming my fears and making it seem more real but WHAT IF? I'm more concerned about her actually having it than me catching it because I'd rather have it too if she did. She does have a doctor's appointment on Friday that I just scheduled because her tummy has been aching on and off for a month. I get high anxiety because I feel like if I go to the doctor's I should just have her blood tested and then that gives me anxiety beyond belief and it just feels awful.  I've posted about this before and I really was hoping not to have to post about it again. It just is a way for me to process my feelings when there's really no way to process and be content until I have 100% certainty. I tell myself if I just get her tested I'll know one way or another. Is this the solution? If I did get her tested and she was fine then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Am I being ignorant if I don't get her tested? Lord, help me cause I so need you now. The fear is here again. It's taking over and bringing me down with it. UP and DOWN is what OCD does to me and I never know when to expect it. It comes out of nowhere and turns my world upside down and yet I have to function and still take care of my family when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

A needle, a bump, rubbing alcohol, and other body blunders, and some more battery concerns.

Where to begin?  It's been an interesting week.
I found a couple ugly, horrible looking, red, swollen, bumps on my body and I think they are just ingrown hairs. I don't like the look of infection around them. I used to be able to take a needle and poke out a sliver with no worries. Now, I worry that the needle might be contaminated even though I've had it for a long time sitting in my dresser drawer with mending supplies. Even though I clean it with my 99 something percent rubbing alcohol. It could still have some blood germs that could give me something on it yep. I know it sounds funny when I read it but not when I'm experiencing the sense of realness when OCD is kicking in. So, anyway this is gross but I poked the pimple or whatever it is to try to start some healing. That didn't work. I just put some neosporin on it for a few days but that hasn't helped either. I found another one fairly close in proximity but I don't know why I have these. I'm not really worried that I have them it's more about the infection in them. I always worry that things infected in my body are going to travel to my brain or heart. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if they can take care of it for me. So, that morning I was obsessing over the disease I might have given myself from my dirty needle. I was over it by mid-morning. I looked in my doctors handbook about sliver removal and it said to use a needle that was cleaned with rubbing alcohol so I figured it must be fine and sterile enough.

I was having some issues again with possible battery leakage. I have had a laptop for a while now. I don't like the fact that it contains a BATTERY on the underneath side of it. I would not even set the laptop on my lap because of that and I don't know what the other wireless stuff might do to me or the battery could leak. I know it's so weird. Anyway, I've notice some whiteish stuff which is probably dust but I can't be CERTAIN and that's what my OCD wants is 100% CERTAINTY. I cleaned the surface of my desk and the underneath of my computer but it was bothering me. I get more worried because I'm afraid if it is battery acid then I'll get it in my eyes when I take out my contacts. I am over it today. I was wearing gloves yesterday to type on the computer before I took my contacts out. I know it's funny. Ha, Ha, I can even laugh at it. It was funny when I was doing it but I knew I just didn't want to deal with it any other way at that moment. GLOVES are my friends. I don't have gloves on today.

Here's that worrying making me feel sick again all because of two ipod touches

Oh man, why? I always do this. I let my kids get or do something and then later my OCD really kicks in and won't leave me alone.
A few weeks ago my son who is 12 wanted to buy an ipod touch with his own money. I let him. Then my 9 year old daughter wanted to buy one. I let her. I'm just mad at myself now. I wish I could return them or just take them and sell them on craigslist. This is where the fear just starts to overwhelm and my mind goes in all different directions. It's the what if?  I don't know what to do. They would be mad at me if I took them away I know that. I don't know if I'm over-reacting, okay I probably am BUT WHAT IF?
I'm beating myself up. So, anyway I've done some researching and haven't found much so I went to a handy dandy website I've used before and by the way they are very helpful and quick to answer. It's the EPA. I don't feel reassured like I was hoping. They just said that " the type of energy used in wireless technology is radio frequency(RF). RF radiation is non-ionizing. In other words not strong enough to affect the structured atoms it contacts...Wireless technology is still relatively new world-wide, researchers continue to study efffects of long-term exposure." It sounds like they really don't know. I also don't like that the ipod touch gets warm on the back where they hold it. I don't know what that can do. I thought about this a little before they bought them and was fine for a few weeks and now just last night and today it comes on full bore. That's one thing I really hate about OCD. You can be fine and great for weeks and then something just comes from nowhere and turns you upside down and makes you feel like a sad, worried, confused, helpless, crazy person. We didn't even have wireless internet until a few months ago. I finally got it so we could stream movies from netflix. I worried a little bit about that. I'm just feeling mad right now and sad and confused. It's this stupid OCD mood and I don't want to go through this. Dang! What do I do? I don't know. Why can't we have the answers to everything? I know that it probably wouldn't make life better but it seems like it would sometimes. I hate technology sometimes. I hate OCD too. Here's to my worried life and weekend. Cheers OCD. P.S. Sorry for the negative attitude today. I just feel like bullying my OCD and Radio Frequencies.