What is that? Battery acid? Hair color dilemmas.

One of my obsessions is battery acid. I think it's a typical ocd obsession. I do not like handling batteries. I used to do it with no problem but not for a few years now. I would wear gloves to handle them. I have notice something in my microwave for a while but keep forgetting to clean it. I finally did it today. I threw away my bowl of oatmeal this morning because I thought I heard a weird noise and then made up stuff in my mind and didn't want to eat it. I took started to clean the microwave and it was a brown greasy looking stuff. Then I thought is this battery acid or what is it even though I'm pretty sure there is no battery in it. That doesn't stop my ocd from believing there might be. There is a few places that it looks like got corroded and looks like rust. It think "rationally" must be some butter that got melted and overflowed and never cleaned so it sat there and caused that to happen. The "irrational" part of me is that it is something dangerous. I put on my gloves and finish cleaning it. I actually do not have gloves on now as I type which is surprising because I do not like to contaminate my keyboard. I thought about throwing my microwave away but I didn't. I have washed my hands alot though because the gooey stuff did get on my hands.
I did something this week that I haven't done in several years. I painted my toenails. I figured I could handle it on my toes because I would not be cooking with them or putting them in my mouth.
I have been trying to find a method to color my hair without chemicals. I tryed a test patch two times with henna. It didn't get the color I wanted. I want to try my whole head but I'm scared. I'm afraid it will do something to me or interact with my anti-depressant (luvox). I have colored my hair with regular chemical hair color but I can't do it now. I am too afraid of long term affects of it and of getting it in my eyes. It seems like henna would be the best choice. I don't like that I have to leave it on a couple hours. I have my 20 year highschool reunion this Saturday. I wanted to cover my grays. I also am going back to school this fall and would like to cover my grays. I didn't care as much until now because I'm a stay-at-home mom so it's just trips to the store, school, sports and so on.

OCD overload

Oh, what a day! Yes, it's good because God is good and has given me this day. When it comes to OCD though it's been challenging. I am babysitting as I usually do. My nephew is four. We went outside to play today and were not out there very long because he stepped in some unknown substance. There is something all over the road in our cul-du-sac. I asked the neighbor if they knew what it was and they think it's motor oil. Someone put kitty litter on it but I don't know what happened because there is a stream that covers the road. There's an area with the kitty litter on it that turned into this thick nasty creamy substance. My nephew of all places decided to walk through the middle of it with his toy car we have for him. The wheels got covered and so did his shoes. It somehow got on his legs too. I went inside and got on a pair of latex gloves and came out and took off his shoes and put them in a plastic bag and took off his socks. I got papertowels with soapy water to clean off his legs. He managed to get some on his shorts so I had to change those. My OCD was high. It's like at that moment I want to start swearing and I don't swear. I feel so angry and overwhelmed in the height of the OCD moment. I don't do anything to show my anger but just feel this overwheming feeling of just wanting to run and quit and escape.
I'm feeling better now, but I still have that "on edge" feeling. It's that feeling where I could sure use a clonazapam but I haven't taken those for quite a while now. I don't want to if I can help it.
So goes it, this day in the life with OCD.

You might not understand me because I have OCD

OCD
What is this weird thing?  It's such a crazy thing. As I write I am wearing latex gloves. Why am I wearing gloves? I am because I went to buy some supplies at the fabric store and I think the person who rang up my items was a man dressed as a women. I noticed earlier because he/she sounded like a man. I looked at the name tag and it said Sam. Oh great, it must be a man. Now, I have this bag of fabric and thread sitting in my car that I want to return. I spent about an hour and a half choosing them. I probably wouldn't have even bought them if I knew he/she was going to ring me up. The cashier that was ringing people up asked me if I minded if he/she rang me up. What am I supposed to say? No. I don't think they would like that. I'm just disappointed. I don't think most people would notice or even care but because I have OCD I do. I care and it does bother me.

Summer fun and going about my business in spite of OCD

I have stayed busy this summer even though it hasn't looked much like summer around here. It is raining alot right now. It was nice earlier today and me and my daughter went and picked strawberries. I have always wanted to do that and finally did. It is alot of work but it was rewarding. It's not so easy bending and squatting and all that. I want to make some strawberry shortcake with them on the 4th. Oh ya, a bit of an OCD issue when we got to the strawberry farm. I gave our containers to the person to weigh before picking and her hands had alot of cuts on them and a bandaid. Usually I'd be like now I can't do this but I told myself her hands are probably like that from working hard on the farm and I just talked myself out of being too worried. I even ate a strawberry while picking, that I didn't wash and I didn't wash my hands either. I'm proud of myself. I have a few more issues I think I have been a big girl about. I went to a chinese garden the other day and the man who rang us up seemed like he might have been gay. I guess I'm stero-typing and again I am not predjudice, it all has to do with my OCD and fear of aids. I took the brochure he gave me and didn't wash my hands.
I took my daughter to get an italian soda the other day and it seemed to me because of the way the guy talked that was making it could have been gay and had tattoos. He cut and squeezed fresh pomegrante juice into our drinks and that made me uncomfortable but I drank it anyway.
One other issue I had was when we went out for Chinese food on my husband's birthday. I thought the waiter was gay and this is a big fear of mine. I ate my food anyway and was a big girl about it. I am proud of myself.
I am taking advantage of the library this summer by using passed they have to get into places in the city for free. So far it was the Children's museum last week and the Chinese garden. I actually found my way to the Children's museum without taking any wrong turns or getting off the path even though I've been that way alot but only once or twice a year. I am so directionally challenged it's not even funny.
My son and I helped with Vacation Bible school a few weeks ago at our church also. We had fun. We were in with the first grade class and it was big. It was a great experience.

Hope everyone is having a great summer and have a happy Fourth of July.

I haven't written anything in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about OCD. Sometimes it  feels like I'm bragging about it or something which it is nothing to brag about. I can make it sound humorous which it's really not either. I do try to look for humor in the situation because it can help me alot with it. If I can find humor in it then there is a light. It's amazing how OCD can drain my energy. I feel great and then my husband mows the lawn and comes inside and he did wash his hands but to me they still aren't clean. The reason is still because of the antifreeze that is in the shed with the lawn mower. It was in the garage but I had my husband move it because I'd rather have it in the shed than the garage.
Now to a person without OCD this will sound bizarre but I am going to share a story about the book I checked out at the library yesterday. I got this book that I was really excited about reading. It was a book on food fermentation which I'm really interested in. So, I get the book and what do ya know the author has AIDS. Some of you might already know what my OCD mind is thinking and "normal" minds wouldn't dream of this. I didn't want the book anymore because somehow maybe the author had touched the book or other people with AIDS and so on. I know it's stupid but that's how I think. I put the books on the floor in my car and wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. I put them in a plastic grocery bag so I could dispose of them at the library without touching them again. My daughter wanted to take them so I let her but told her how to do it. I hate it when I have to tell people how I want them to do something to avoid contamination or explain why I do something because I don't want them to have to participate in the ritualization and it's makes me sound very weird, even to myself when I am speaking it out loud. The books fell on the ground when she was trying to return them and the bag got stuck in the return thing. I was sitting in the car watching her but was far enough away she wouldn't be able to hear me. I felt bad because I know she probably was wondering what she should do next since I didn't want her to touch the books. When she got back to the car I gave her a wet wipe. Then, she took her earring off and started rubbing her ear. Oh great! She never takes her earring off normally unless she is changing them. I had a major episode for a few years after she got her ears pierced. I was so afraid she may had gotten hiv and then eventually had her tested when she had blood drawn for another reason.
Life in the OCD lane is very interesting is all I can say.

Insecure and just can't focus

I know that with OCD can come other things like depression and ADHD, etc. I know do experience depression but I have also been wondering if I experience ADHD too. It is so hard for me to focus on a task. I get so many ideas of things I want to do and I get excited about it and then I never start or I barely give it a chance and I give up. I have been like this my whole life. The only thing I feel I am semi-good at is being a mom. I am passionate about my children as most mothers are. When it comes to anything else than it just doesn't happen. I have had dreams about making candles and I actually did make them but after the kit was used then that was it. I make excuses for everything and it makes me mad. I have had dreams about selling things on ebay and making money, making other things and selling them and making money. Dreams of having  a nice garden, but something always gets in the way. I went shopping for some clothes this weekend and I always seem to come home empty handed. I can't find anything that looks good on me or it's too expensive. Then after thinking about doing these things and then finding reasons why I can't do them I get really tired and just want to crawl into a little ball and hide. I did something out of the ordinary and I signed up to take a class at the community college. It starts next week. It is just an online class but I had to take several steps to get there. I don't even trust myself at following through on things. That's not cool. I was going to post some things on ebay today and when I got home I noticed all the clothes are wrinkled and it's just going to be so much work and I probably won't even sell anything. I hate being so hard on myself and feeling like I'm not worthy of having success. I just don't know how to get over this mind set. I want to be successful and I belive I am worth it but I just don't know how to do it.

Burnout wash and antifreeze anxiety

I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I buy clothing for everyone but myself until mine is falling apart. I know it's sad but true. It doesn't really bother me. I wear basic clothing. Usually I wear jeans and some sort of black cotton shirt. I know it's boring. I don't like to stand out. I have felt like it would be nice to have a little more variety but I never have the money and until I lose the roll on my tummy then black is it. Anyway, I went to look for a few clothing items the other day and I actually bought them before deciding to put them back. I came home and washed them. I was looking at the tag on one of the shirts after I washed it and it said "burnout wash".  That struck some worry with me. I didn't know what it was so I looked it up on the internet. It's some type of wash they do to make it look worn. They use sulpheric acid. That's great. Now, I've had some issues with laundry being contaminated. I took back the shirt to the store yesterday. I know I should've just worn it but I couldn't.
The antifreeze will keep bothering me until it's out of our shed. I had my husband move it from the garage to the shed. I knew it would bother me because of the tools and lawn mower in there. I just didn't want it in the garage and I didn't want to move the lawn mower to the garage because it'll smell like gas and contaminate. Yesterday alot of people were mowing their lawns because it was the first nice day we've had in a while. I am dreading when my husband mows our lawn because of my fear that the lawn mower is now contaminated with the antifreeze fumes. Then when he comes inside he will contaminate everything he touches. I get so mad then that he bought that antifreeze. It just didn't have to be like this. I do not want chemicals near my home.