Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Fear
Here returns a haunting fear of mine. It comes and goes. When it's here it's bad. It takes me to a place where I dread going. A place I always think I never want to return. Why does it go away and then come back. I guess it's always in the back of my mind and then when it wants it viciously invades and takes over and drags me down with it. With my OCD, I have a terrible fear of aids/hiv. I used to fear myself getting it but not to an extreme. My daughter got her ears pierced two years ago. I knew that it would cause great anxiety for me. I try to be brave and not let my OCD get in the way of my children doing things. I let her do it. It was a really hard decision. The moment they pierced them I was strucken with total fear and my mind went crazy. She was crying to, so that made my anxiety even worse. Oh, it hurts to even go to that place. I didn't want to get out of bed the next day. The feelings of depression, doom, and what have I done all were so real. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I was sure she probably got hiv from it. I still get so afraid of it. I am just as afraid to have her tested for it. Today I am feeling those anxieties again. If she gets sick or bleeds or has to go the the doctors it makes it worse. She pulled out her tooth yesterday and came out in the kitchen with blood everywhere. Then I feel bad thinking I can't even touch her blood because it could be contaminated. This makes me feel awful. She was helping me cut vegetables up for stew on Saturday and she cut nicked her finger. She said she didn't cut herself but then I noticed she had a bandaid on. I decided not to serve or eat the soup. This is just confirming my fears and making it seem more real but WHAT IF? I'm more concerned about her actually having it than me catching it because I'd rather have it too if she did. She does have a doctor's appointment on Friday that I just scheduled because her tummy has been aching on and off for a month. I get high anxiety because I feel like if I go to the doctor's I should just have her blood tested and then that gives me anxiety beyond belief and it just feels awful. I've posted about this before and I really was hoping not to have to post about it again. It just is a way for me to process my feelings when there's really no way to process and be content until I have 100% certainty. I tell myself if I just get her tested I'll know one way or another. Is this the solution? If I did get her tested and she was fine then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Am I being ignorant if I don't get her tested? Lord, help me cause I so need you now. The fear is here again. It's taking over and bringing me down with it. UP and DOWN is what OCD does to me and I never know when to expect it. It comes out of nowhere and turns my world upside down and yet I have to function and still take care of my family when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A needle, a bump, rubbing alcohol, and other body blunders, and some more battery concerns.
Where to begin? It's been an interesting week.
I found a couple ugly, horrible looking, red, swollen, bumps on my body and I think they are just ingrown hairs. I don't like the look of infection around them. I used to be able to take a needle and poke out a sliver with no worries. Now, I worry that the needle might be contaminated even though I've had it for a long time sitting in my dresser drawer with mending supplies. Even though I clean it with my 99 something percent rubbing alcohol. It could still have some blood germs that could give me something on it yep. I know it sounds funny when I read it but not when I'm experiencing the sense of realness when OCD is kicking in. So, anyway this is gross but I poked the pimple or whatever it is to try to start some healing. That didn't work. I just put some neosporin on it for a few days but that hasn't helped either. I found another one fairly close in proximity but I don't know why I have these. I'm not really worried that I have them it's more about the infection in them. I always worry that things infected in my body are going to travel to my brain or heart. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if they can take care of it for me. So, that morning I was obsessing over the disease I might have given myself from my dirty needle. I was over it by mid-morning. I looked in my doctors handbook about sliver removal and it said to use a needle that was cleaned with rubbing alcohol so I figured it must be fine and sterile enough.
I was having some issues again with possible battery leakage. I have had a laptop for a while now. I don't like the fact that it contains a BATTERY on the underneath side of it. I would not even set the laptop on my lap because of that and I don't know what the other wireless stuff might do to me or the battery could leak. I know it's so weird. Anyway, I've notice some whiteish stuff which is probably dust but I can't be CERTAIN and that's what my OCD wants is 100% CERTAINTY. I cleaned the surface of my desk and the underneath of my computer but it was bothering me. I get more worried because I'm afraid if it is battery acid then I'll get it in my eyes when I take out my contacts. I am over it today. I was wearing gloves yesterday to type on the computer before I took my contacts out. I know it's funny. Ha, Ha, I can even laugh at it. It was funny when I was doing it but I knew I just didn't want to deal with it any other way at that moment. GLOVES are my friends. I don't have gloves on today.
I found a couple ugly, horrible looking, red, swollen, bumps on my body and I think they are just ingrown hairs. I don't like the look of infection around them. I used to be able to take a needle and poke out a sliver with no worries. Now, I worry that the needle might be contaminated even though I've had it for a long time sitting in my dresser drawer with mending supplies. Even though I clean it with my 99 something percent rubbing alcohol. It could still have some blood germs that could give me something on it yep. I know it sounds funny when I read it but not when I'm experiencing the sense of realness when OCD is kicking in. So, anyway this is gross but I poked the pimple or whatever it is to try to start some healing. That didn't work. I just put some neosporin on it for a few days but that hasn't helped either. I found another one fairly close in proximity but I don't know why I have these. I'm not really worried that I have them it's more about the infection in them. I always worry that things infected in my body are going to travel to my brain or heart. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if they can take care of it for me. So, that morning I was obsessing over the disease I might have given myself from my dirty needle. I was over it by mid-morning. I looked in my doctors handbook about sliver removal and it said to use a needle that was cleaned with rubbing alcohol so I figured it must be fine and sterile enough.
I was having some issues again with possible battery leakage. I have had a laptop for a while now. I don't like the fact that it contains a BATTERY on the underneath side of it. I would not even set the laptop on my lap because of that and I don't know what the other wireless stuff might do to me or the battery could leak. I know it's so weird. Anyway, I've notice some whiteish stuff which is probably dust but I can't be CERTAIN and that's what my OCD wants is 100% CERTAINTY. I cleaned the surface of my desk and the underneath of my computer but it was bothering me. I get more worried because I'm afraid if it is battery acid then I'll get it in my eyes when I take out my contacts. I am over it today. I was wearing gloves yesterday to type on the computer before I took my contacts out. I know it's funny. Ha, Ha, I can even laugh at it. It was funny when I was doing it but I knew I just didn't want to deal with it any other way at that moment. GLOVES are my friends. I don't have gloves on today.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Here's that worrying making me feel sick again all because of two ipod touches
Oh man, why? I always do this. I let my kids get or do something and then later my OCD really kicks in and won't leave me alone.
A few weeks ago my son who is 12 wanted to buy an ipod touch with his own money. I let him. Then my 9 year old daughter wanted to buy one. I let her. I'm just mad at myself now. I wish I could return them or just take them and sell them on craigslist. This is where the fear just starts to overwhelm and my mind goes in all different directions. It's the what if? I don't know what to do. They would be mad at me if I took them away I know that. I don't know if I'm over-reacting, okay I probably am BUT WHAT IF?
I'm beating myself up. So, anyway I've done some researching and haven't found much so I went to a handy dandy website I've used before and by the way they are very helpful and quick to answer. It's the EPA. I don't feel reassured like I was hoping. They just said that " the type of energy used in wireless technology is radio frequency(RF). RF radiation is non-ionizing. In other words not strong enough to affect the structured atoms it contacts...Wireless technology is still relatively new world-wide, researchers continue to study efffects of long-term exposure." It sounds like they really don't know. I also don't like that the ipod touch gets warm on the back where they hold it. I don't know what that can do. I thought about this a little before they bought them and was fine for a few weeks and now just last night and today it comes on full bore. That's one thing I really hate about OCD. You can be fine and great for weeks and then something just comes from nowhere and turns you upside down and makes you feel like a sad, worried, confused, helpless, crazy person. We didn't even have wireless internet until a few months ago. I finally got it so we could stream movies from netflix. I worried a little bit about that. I'm just feeling mad right now and sad and confused. It's this stupid OCD mood and I don't want to go through this. Dang! What do I do? I don't know. Why can't we have the answers to everything? I know that it probably wouldn't make life better but it seems like it would sometimes. I hate technology sometimes. I hate OCD too. Here's to my worried life and weekend. Cheers OCD. P.S. Sorry for the negative attitude today. I just feel like bullying my OCD and Radio Frequencies.
A few weeks ago my son who is 12 wanted to buy an ipod touch with his own money. I let him. Then my 9 year old daughter wanted to buy one. I let her. I'm just mad at myself now. I wish I could return them or just take them and sell them on craigslist. This is where the fear just starts to overwhelm and my mind goes in all different directions. It's the what if? I don't know what to do. They would be mad at me if I took them away I know that. I don't know if I'm over-reacting, okay I probably am BUT WHAT IF?
I'm beating myself up. So, anyway I've done some researching and haven't found much so I went to a handy dandy website I've used before and by the way they are very helpful and quick to answer. It's the EPA. I don't feel reassured like I was hoping. They just said that " the type of energy used in wireless technology is radio frequency(RF). RF radiation is non-ionizing. In other words not strong enough to affect the structured atoms it contacts...Wireless technology is still relatively new world-wide, researchers continue to study efffects of long-term exposure." It sounds like they really don't know. I also don't like that the ipod touch gets warm on the back where they hold it. I don't know what that can do. I thought about this a little before they bought them and was fine for a few weeks and now just last night and today it comes on full bore. That's one thing I really hate about OCD. You can be fine and great for weeks and then something just comes from nowhere and turns you upside down and makes you feel like a sad, worried, confused, helpless, crazy person. We didn't even have wireless internet until a few months ago. I finally got it so we could stream movies from netflix. I worried a little bit about that. I'm just feeling mad right now and sad and confused. It's this stupid OCD mood and I don't want to go through this. Dang! What do I do? I don't know. Why can't we have the answers to everything? I know that it probably wouldn't make life better but it seems like it would sometimes. I hate technology sometimes. I hate OCD too. Here's to my worried life and weekend. Cheers OCD. P.S. Sorry for the negative attitude today. I just feel like bullying my OCD and Radio Frequencies.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
OCD you are being a pest(icide)!
This last week has been spring break. Everything has gone pretty smoothly. We have stayed busy.We have gone bowling, to play video games, roller skating and to a movie. We did go mini-golfing and of course their was some sort of weed sprinkle stuff on the barkdust and my ball kept going straight for it. I got a kleenex out of my purse and picked it up with that. My kids were laughing at me and my husband thought oh wow she's crazy. I decided to throw the kleenex away after my kids were picking up their contaminated golf balls. I touched mine. I did not want to but I did. We went to the restroom and washed our hands before we left.
I babysit my nephew two days a week. My sister puts an ant trap outside her apartment door. I've always had a small issue with his shoes thinking there is a residue of that on his shoes. She told me the other day she put some ant strip thing in her bedroom becasue she found ants in there. I don't know why people have to tell me when they use poison because they know it bothers me. She has OCD too but the poisons don't bother her. She called me this morning to ask me if I could give her a haircut. I told her I wasn't going to be able to today. I really don't want to touch her hair because I am afraid of the contamination from the ant strips. I just can't deal with it today. Some things I do just avoid because it's much easier than putting myself through what comes afterword. My hair cutting tools will be contaminated and me and I just can't do it. People, don't tell me things about the poisons and chemicals you use. My mother-in-law always does this too. She knows how much it bothers me but yet she can't help but tell me when she has used a pesticide or something. I don't get it. I feel bad for not cutting my sister's hair but you know I do alot for the people in my life and there's just some things I can't do because I'm not responsible for everyone. I haven't even had my hair cut for over a year except by my self. She only likes me to cut it for her. I was a professional hairstylist way back when but I just do my families hair now. That's a whole other story in itself.
I babysit my nephew two days a week. My sister puts an ant trap outside her apartment door. I've always had a small issue with his shoes thinking there is a residue of that on his shoes. She told me the other day she put some ant strip thing in her bedroom becasue she found ants in there. I don't know why people have to tell me when they use poison because they know it bothers me. She has OCD too but the poisons don't bother her. She called me this morning to ask me if I could give her a haircut. I told her I wasn't going to be able to today. I really don't want to touch her hair because I am afraid of the contamination from the ant strips. I just can't deal with it today. Some things I do just avoid because it's much easier than putting myself through what comes afterword. My hair cutting tools will be contaminated and me and I just can't do it. People, don't tell me things about the poisons and chemicals you use. My mother-in-law always does this too. She knows how much it bothers me but yet she can't help but tell me when she has used a pesticide or something. I don't get it. I feel bad for not cutting my sister's hair but you know I do alot for the people in my life and there's just some things I can't do because I'm not responsible for everyone. I haven't even had my hair cut for over a year except by my self. She only likes me to cut it for her. I was a professional hairstylist way back when but I just do my families hair now. That's a whole other story in itself.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Unorganized, undecided, tired, irritable, guilty feeling, no motivation, blah...
That sounds depressing. It is. I used to be so motivated when I was a high schooler and only had to worry about myself. I excercised every day faithfully. I didn't think about not doing it. I had to and wanted to. I watched very carefully what I ate and tracked my calories. I cared about looking the best I could. I would slap on all my makeup and not care that it was harmful for me. Those were carefree days. I don't want to go back there. I just wonder what happended to that girl who had goals and actually was motivated and cared. It's so hard now. I wouldn't change having children for the world because I love them so much. I guess it's just I feel guilty alot and feel like I need to spend all my time home with them. I feel guilty even when I am home with them because I don't feel like I have anything to offer them. My husband and I have never even left them over night. I think it's my OCD that is so afraid of something happening to them while I am gone that I don't even desire to go. My daughter is nine and she is at the age where she gets sassy with me alot and that makes me mad and sad and then I just try not to say anything to make it worse. My son is into his sports, but I don't know what to do with him. I never feel like going outside to shoot baskets. I just feel un-motivated and I feel like a bad mom. I try to give them my all. I provide them with all my love but I just never feel I'm good enough.
I don't do anything for myself. I have no hobbies. I have tried some but it seems like everything I try in my life I always quit. I really am not writing this for a pity party it just is how it is. I'm used to it but every now and then it starts to overwhelm me. The feeling of no direction. I'm so bad at making decisions and I also do suffer from some social anxiety. I was taking jazzercise class a few years ago and I liked it. I did it for about a year but then I quit as I was going through a depression and never got back into it. I keep thinking about going back but I always find an excuse not too. I am now starting to feel the effects of not excercising. I feel the extra weight and my body aches. I feel stuck. The problem is there are alot of days when I'm just fine being that way. I just don't seem to know how to get un-stuck.
I don't do anything for myself. I have no hobbies. I have tried some but it seems like everything I try in my life I always quit. I really am not writing this for a pity party it just is how it is. I'm used to it but every now and then it starts to overwhelm me. The feeling of no direction. I'm so bad at making decisions and I also do suffer from some social anxiety. I was taking jazzercise class a few years ago and I liked it. I did it for about a year but then I quit as I was going through a depression and never got back into it. I keep thinking about going back but I always find an excuse not too. I am now starting to feel the effects of not excercising. I feel the extra weight and my body aches. I feel stuck. The problem is there are alot of days when I'm just fine being that way. I just don't seem to know how to get un-stuck.
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