Stores and Chemicals

I don't always have something to say about OCD but I decided I should try to blog even when nothing too OCDish is going on. I guess it is always going on even if I don't notice. I am always aware of it because it's part of me. I will try to talk about something to do with OCD since that's what the focus of my blog is about. One thing I dislike about this season is that the stores get chemical happy. They put fertilizers by all the entry ways and you have to hold your breath or breathe in those fumes just to get in the store. It's everywhere because they really want you to buy some. I used to have to go to a different grocery store in the spring and summer because I didn't even want to use the carts or have my stuff on the conveyer belts that all the poisons had been sitting on. It seems like everyone has some pesticide or chemical in their cart. It makes me sick. When I pay for my items at the store I look to carefully to make sure no one in front of me is buying "chemicals".  I won't go through that line. Choosing a cart can sometimes be a challenge too. If it looks like there is something dirty on it I have to choose a new one. I don't use the cleaning wipes they have to clean off my cart though because I don't want the cleaning chemical on my hands.  The more anxious I am the worse my OCD symptoms are.

Managing Your OCD Symptoms: June 30

Managing Your OCD Symptoms: June 30

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It's been a wild ocd filled weekend and yesterday

I have been filled with lots of anxiety over the last few days. Saturday was full of anxiety over a kid getting a bloody nose at my daughter's basketball game. The blood dripped all across the gym floor as the kid was running for the bathroom. They wiped the many blood spots up with a towel and I didn't see any disinfectants anywhere. The game went on. All I could think about was that my daughter would be touching a ball that probably would bounce on some of those places where the blood had been. Then when she sat down to get a drink of water she opened her water bottle the part that goes in her mouth with her hands. Then she started wiggling her loose tooth. I had to go over there and tell her to keep her hands out of her mouth and off her face. After the game I went over there with my little bottle of hand sanitizer to squirt on her hands. I had to do it twice because once just wasn't enough. I do feel bad that I do this to my kids. She says it's annoying. Yes, it is annoying. The rest of the day I was paranoid because of the entryway in our house that could be contaminated with blood from our shoes and the inside of the car.

Sunday was a whole new set of worries. I let my daughter and the neighbor girl play at the end of our driveway in the whatever it is the dirt sand stuff that builds up I guess it run off the gutters. They didn't ask if they could play in it they just did. They got there swimming suits on because they were getting it wet and playing in it. So, it didn't hit me until Sunday morning a What have I done? Hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter said she was itchy that evening and her friend came over the next day and said she was itchy. I thought oh great was there chemicals, pesticides who knows what in there from runoff. I was not happy. I was scared. My husband said they're just being kids.

I have to say i am very afraid of x-rays because of radiation. I freak when I have to get the regular few. I was prepared to have a full mouth set yesterday for my check-up. I didn't know exactly what or how many this was. I thought it was going to be a scan or something. I declined it five years ago when they wanted to do it. I was informed half way through it was a total of 18 x-rays. Oh, that wasn't cool. I took extra vitamin C hoping that would help my body. It didn't bother me so much until last night. I started worrying. I had to get on the computer to look up stuff on x-rays. I called the dentist office today for some "reassurance". They usually like to tell me it's like walking outside comparing the amount of radiation I find it hard to believe. When I talked to thereceptionist this morning she helped me put my mind at ease as much as possible. She said it's such a little amount and that she just had hers done tto and then went and had an MRI the same day.She said she mentioned to them she had just had several dental x-rays earlier that day. She said they just laughed and told her it's such a small amount that it was fine. Alrighty then! I guess I'll just take my vitamin C, fish oil, multi-vitamin, vitamin D and green tea I bought today. I hope it helps. I really hope I have a better day today.

Experiencing anxiety

That's not an uncommon thing in my life. Some days are just filled with more anxiety than others. I kind of has myself worked up this morning and a few days off and on because of some tenderness or soreness on my inner legs and arms. I know I don't help matters by pinching and prodding at it.  I worry. I think about the worst. I try to just focus on God when this happens but fear overtakes and I know I should not fear because that's what God tells me. I haven't freaked out about myself for a while. Usually, it's with my kids now. I thought I was over ME. Guess not. I did take a clonazapam yesterday and today. It doesn't seem to be helping much this morning. The worst thing about having these catastrophic fears is it can ruin my whole day if I let it. I have to go grocery shopping today and it feels overwhelming right now. My breathing is even off key. God please give me strength to face my day.

Holidays

Depression which is also something that comes along with my OCD. I don't know why but every holiday is very emotional for me. I look forward to them but I always seem to just be emotional even if I'm having a good holiday I feel sad. I was like that yesterday and not in a great mood the first part of the day. I don't know if it's the high expectations for the day and matters with family that can make me very sensitive. We were going to spend the day just Me, my husband and children as our parents had other plans. It ended on a good note. My husband's parents came to our house and stayed for dinner. They got done sooner than expected at the previous place. We played games and had fun so that helped my mood. We had a nice ham dinner. I haven't been taking clonazapam for the last few days now which is on a as needed basis. It helps to relieve anxiety to calm the obsessive thoughts. I have felt pretty good. I will take it if I feel I need it though and it does help.

Thoughts

This blogging thing can be hard. I feel like I should write something every day weather anyone else is reading it or I'm just venting and getting it out. OCD is hard. I was at the dentist's office yesterday because my daughter had an appointment. I was sitting in the lobby looking at a magazine and then felt something on the cover of the magazine so I turned it over to look and see what I might be touching. I first noticed what looked like blood. I then noticed a squished little fruit fly or something by it. Can I convince myself that this blood was from the bug? NO! I know it had to be but then my OCD tells me it was from a human who probably had some sort of disease I could get and give to my family. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands. I then put hand sanitizer on a few times. When we got in the car I washed my hands with a few wet wipes. They still did not feel clean. I had to wash my hands a few times when we got home. I have washed off my steering wheel and other things in the car with a soapy paper towel but I feel like I need to do it again. I am not excited about going grocery shopping this morning because I still feel the contamination and it might get on my food. I am going to go clean my steering wheel again and probably my keys and purse handle again.