Hanging in there

I am still a little unstable but I'm just keeping on. We had conferences this morning and the kids are off the rest of the week and all of next week for Spring break. We are probably going to go camping at the coast for a few days. I took three of my clonazapams yesterday to help me with my anxiety and I was thinking about trying the risperidone but I just couldn't bring myself there. A part of me just wants to try it to see if it helps but then I hate and am scared of taking medication and especially with those list of side affects. I know I did the same thing before I started on the fluvoxomine several years ago. I just feel like I hate to keep adding more medication. I currently do not meet with a counselor because they don't feel I really need to but I am thinking I need to just to have someone to talk to about my crazy thoughts. It has been helpful and comforting to read the other blogs I have found with people sharing there experience with OCD. Thank you.

Still in the cloudiness of anxiety

Today is stilled filled with anxiety. I am taking my clonazapam to help relieve my anxiousness. I still debate weather I should take the risperidone that I haven't ever taken. I am afraid of the side effects. I am tired today and I think it is due to the time change.

Good Morning! This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. So have a good day.

This is from a book I have of Words of Encouragement. If only I could truely have that attitude and be able to give it all to God. I know he can handle it but somehow I have trouble giving it all to him. I so desperately want to.

Facing Anxiety Today

My Sunday did not go so well. I felt sad almost all day. I know that hormones for woman can play a part but I don't know if that's why or not. I experience sadness and depression sometimes for no reason and other times it for a reason I feel I have no control over. In August I got my daughter's ears pierced. We were at the mall having her pictures taken and it had been a long day. I don't even know what I was thinking because the thought of her getting them pierced drove me crazy since I am scared mindlessly about contamination and her possibly getting something from it. I wasn't going to let the OCD rule but it sure has ever since that moment. I have been filled with fear and anxiety over the possibility of  hiv/aids from piercing. I have been told it's highly unlikely but I can't seem to shake this fear. I have always been freaked out about blood and the possibility of hiv/aids. I don't even like writing the word because if I read it or see it, it takes me now to this dreadful place of hopelessness and worry. I also worry because of "me" her earrings are not "exactly" the same on each side since I had them move one of the dots before they pierced it. So, I get better and go along not even thinking about it and then for no particular reason these thoughts come flooding back into my mind and take over. I become depressed and anxious. My doctor has told me to start taking clonazapam when I feel this anxiety. It does seem to help bring down the anxiety but the thoughts always there. He prescribed risperdone to help break up the thoughts more but I decided not to take it because I was afraid of the side effects. I currently take fluvoxomine in the evening. I have taken that since 1998. Living with UNCERTAINTY is so overwhelming.

How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help for Anxiety Relief

How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help for Anxiety Relief

God is so good

I spent the morning and all day yesterday researching to try and find something else to feed my dog so I didn't have to step foot in the poisoned sprayed parking lot. I just got tired of looking and I went to the Vet. and got the food. I am doing fine. I had to leave my shoes in the garage though, instead of the front door. My dog is happy she got her food. She is on a prescription diet for re-occuring bladder stones so I can only get her food there. I was making her food for a while. I decided to stop because I was having problems using the bone meal because it has small amounts of  lead and arsenic in it and I was afraid I could possibly breathe it in. It's just so much more complicated than it needs to be.

Poison

One thing that strongly affects me by having OCD is that I am very afraid of poisons and chemicals. I especially do not like any kind of pesticide. They just freak me out. My husband used to use fertlizer and weed and feed on our yard and it took a while of watching me and me begging, but he finally stopped using them. He used to take such pride in his lush green grass and now doesn't really care about it anymore. I enjoy it now since I can walk on it without freaking out. Any thought of getting a pesticide on me or breathing it in can ruin a day for me. I may not want to touch anything "important" because it might contaminate it or even cook dinner because I might have some on my hands no matter how many times I wash them. I seem to always run into someone applying pesticides no matter where I go. I pulled into the veterinarian's office parking lot this morning to get dog food. I drove right through and left because I could tell they had totally doused the weeds ( and there were a lot) in herbacide. They were yellowing so I'm fairly certain they sprayed them. Guess I need to figure out how I'm going to get my dog's food since she has to be on a special diet.

My first day of sharing my OCD with the world

I have experienced OCD unknowingly since I was a kid. I used to have to touch things when we were in the store. I mean I "had" to. I didn't just want to. That's the first memory I have of OCD. I then later in elementary school I had germ phobias. I didn't even want to pet our family dog because if I did I'd have to clean my hands with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol. I remember always having to put the radio station on Z100 before I got out of the car. It might be bad luck if I didn't. I would have to stare at my closet and blink my eyes a certain amount of times before I went to sleep. I didn't know anything was wrong with me or why I was doing these things. I didn't even really think about it. It wasn't until 1998 when my first child was born that I discovered from all the symptoms that I had OCD. I made an appointment to go see a doctor and then it was an official diagnosis. I then began taking medication which was Luvox. I still take the generic of that medication and it has been helpful. Every day is a journey and some days are much harder than others. I do rely on God and family to get me through. Thankfully my husband and children are able to laugh about alot of the things and anxieties I have and that helps to put things back into reality. I do love them so much. I hope to blog as often as I can so others facing the same thing might find some comfort and others who know nothing about OCD can learn about it.