WOW!
I have been struggling, big. So, my husband decided instead of taking our SUV in to get the heater fixed which was going to cost a small fortune, him and his dad would fix it. Oh please I hope I remember to never let him work on my car again. I'm really not blaming anyone even though it really sounds like it. Okay I'm not blaming my father-in-law because he was just trying to help.
We drove out to there house which takes about 45 minutes from our house. They decided to drill a hole through the bottom of the glove compartment to try to get inside there to do something to make it work. BIG Mistake!
Fluid started pouring out under the car and into the passenger side on the inside on the floor. Okay, it still makes me feel sick talking about it. This happened a couple days ago and it's gonna take me until we get rid of the car to get over it and then I still won't be over it because when he brought our car home stuff was leaking out onto my driveway. The contamination issue is just going to go wild for me. My father-in-law offered to pay part to get it fixed, so I told my husband to do it. This still does not solve the problem for my OCD MIND. No it does not. It doesn't matter how much the carpet in that car is scrubbed or cleaned because to me it will never be non-contaminated. To a person without OCD that would take care of the problem. I don't want my kids to ride in the car again and I don't want to ride in the car again. I am so scared. I'm afraid they will breathe it in and it will cause harm to them. Now I have to drive our 1989 Volvo with over 200,000 miles on it and it won't be running for long. This is how OCD works and it is not pretty. It makes me feel mentally ill when I am stuck in the heat of the OCD moment. I say to myself, why me?
I was a real mean person the last few days too. I'm normally a very nice person to be around. I had to apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry and to just be patient with me. It's hard too, because my son is a sophomore in highschool and he's embarrassed to be riding in the Volvo. Money is real tight right now. I want to try to get an inexpensive smaller car for me. I'm really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am actually dreading it. We have to go back over to my in-laws house and I'm also embarrassed for the way I got all upset and was crying and couldn't eat dinner when we were there because of my contamination fears and my car was RUINED. My husband does not understand OCD and doesn't want to understand it and he just gets mad at me. That makes it all the worse when your spouse is unsupportive. I feel pretty much all alone when it comes to dealing with my OCD.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Indecision
I have not been on here for a while. I just didn't feel like writing about and sharing my feelings or it just seems like I am complaining. I just feel that I need to express myself now. I am struggling. I have been looking for a job and it's not easy to find one. I have been a stay at home mom for the past almost 9 years. My son is now is high school and my daughter is in middle school. It has not been easy financially. I have had a few job opportunities and now my OCD is really getting in the way.
I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.
Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.
I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.
Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.
I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.
Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.
I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.
Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Living with constant FEAR
I really try to tell and remind and pray that I can surrender to God and not give into fear. God tells me to FEAR NOT. I need to listen to him.
I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!
I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Note to myself about Clonazapam and ibuprofen
Just want to write this so I don't have to call a pharmacist to check again. It is okay to take an ibuprofen if I have taken a clonazapam. Even though I called last week to check and then today. I need to write it down so I remember and believe it. I have started taking my clonazapam once most mornings again. I quit taking them for several months and seemed fine. It sure does help with my anxiety. I started taking them again because I was feeling like I was hyperventilating when I was breathing and couldn't get it normalized on my own, even with deep breathing. I was under alot of stress yesterday as of wrapping up a week long camping trip and my heart was beating irregularly as it does if I am stressing. I didn't go to sleep until 1:00 a.m. and woke up at 4:30 a.m. I have had a headache and lots of muscle tension the past few days. I just took an ibuprofen and hope that helps. Being a mom and wife can be stressful. The pressure I feel sometimes is overwhelming especially when we have all been together all summer and then a week of camping. I am also trying to cope with all the negativity that a family member displays on a daily basis. It's very hard when I am a glass half full person and he is a glass half empty person.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Anxiety is high
I am happy to say that as of a few days ago my anxiety over my eyes is done for now. I still do have an appointment later in the month but I have let my mind stop obsessing over it. I'm so happy about this and felt greatly relieved until other obsessions kicked in. I've just felt more stress lately and it makes my OCD worse for sure. I obsess about one thing and then it moves on to another.
Yesterday my husband had to change our brakes. I don't like it because I've read that brake pads can contain asbestos. I really don't like that he has to use brake fluid. It was challenging to wash his clothes last night and I was only worried about the paint on his shirt from painting the outside of the house. I forgot about the brake fluid. So now I have that to OCD about. I ran and wasted two load of hot water and soap throught the washing machine last night after taking his clothes out. I found two little pieces in his pocket and he said they were from the car. Oh great. I always need to check pockets but I don't. I'm afraid to put my hands in there. I now feel like I need to wash out the dryer with paper towels and soap. I don't feel like this will fully get it cleaned. I have a fear of my children's clothes especially getting contaminated with chemicals. I think this way because I have OCD. Maybe I know this is outrageous but I can't convince myself because I want one hundred percent certainty. I will never get this here in this world. I need to accept it but my OCD sure fights against it. I am dealing with so many chemical obsessions right now. Here I am awake very early and my muscles are tight and I am thinking about stupid things that are of no importance.
I think I need to go and take an ibuprofen and I'll go back to bed for a while and rest before the day begins.
Yesterday my husband had to change our brakes. I don't like it because I've read that brake pads can contain asbestos. I really don't like that he has to use brake fluid. It was challenging to wash his clothes last night and I was only worried about the paint on his shirt from painting the outside of the house. I forgot about the brake fluid. So now I have that to OCD about. I ran and wasted two load of hot water and soap throught the washing machine last night after taking his clothes out. I found two little pieces in his pocket and he said they were from the car. Oh great. I always need to check pockets but I don't. I'm afraid to put my hands in there. I now feel like I need to wash out the dryer with paper towels and soap. I don't feel like this will fully get it cleaned. I have a fear of my children's clothes especially getting contaminated with chemicals. I think this way because I have OCD. Maybe I know this is outrageous but I can't convince myself because I want one hundred percent certainty. I will never get this here in this world. I need to accept it but my OCD sure fights against it. I am dealing with so many chemical obsessions right now. Here I am awake very early and my muscles are tight and I am thinking about stupid things that are of no importance.
I think I need to go and take an ibuprofen and I'll go back to bed for a while and rest before the day begins.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Body Dysmorphic Disorder
I don't know if I am dealing with this right now with my eyes. I have done this with other things too. The obsession with my eyes has never been this bad or lasted this long though. I did make an eye appointment but it's not for a few weeks because I want reassurance. I already had an eye appointment a few months ago and I thought about asking the doctor if my eyes were straight but I felt dumb. I don't know if I'll keep the appointment or what. I'm just feeling depressed and ugly right now and I hate feeling that way because it drains my energy and it's all I can focus on and I feel selfish when I'm like this.
I don't know if I am dealing with this right now with my eyes. I have done this with other things too. The obsession with my eyes has never been this bad or lasted this long though. I did make an eye appointment but it's not for a few weeks because I want reassurance. I already had an eye appointment a few months ago and I thought about asking the doctor if my eyes were straight but I felt dumb. I don't know if I'll keep the appointment or what. I'm just feeling depressed and ugly right now and I hate feeling that way because it drains my energy and it's all I can focus on and I feel selfish when I'm like this.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Obsessing about my eyes.
Hey everyone.
I just feel like complaining today. I am tired from the clonazapam I took. I started taking some again last week since my anxiety has been extra high. It's just been stressful around here because up until last week for three plus years I've been babysitting my 4 year old nephew. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between having my kids home and him it is so hard. My nephew talks and asks questions non-stop. He makes loud noises. I love him but it's no picnic babysitting especially when I need some quietness in my day to not go insane.
For the last few days I've had a new obsession. It's one that goes on and off but usually doesn't last long. I remember in elementary school being at a lady's house my mom worked with and was friends with. The lady said to me " your eye turns in like mine" I never knew or thought my eye turned in. I thought that was a mean thing to say. She should have said it to my mom if anything. I have been going to the eye doctor since second grade because I needed glasses for an astigmatism. None of the doctors ever said anything to me that my eye turned in. Later when I was in beauty school I got paranoid again because this stupid girl who I was actually friends with once in a while when I was around would look at her other friend and make her eye go inward. I should have asked her why she was doing that but instead I thought my eye must turn in and she is making fun of me. I have thought about asking the eye doctor if it does but then I feel stupid or when I'm there I'm not worrying about it. I have been obsessing at looking at pictures of myself and examing my eyes and asking my husband and children. I already had my eye exam for the year but I feel like I should make another now so I can get an answer. Love all my readers out there. Hope you have a wonderful day and my God bless you.
I just feel like complaining today. I am tired from the clonazapam I took. I started taking some again last week since my anxiety has been extra high. It's just been stressful around here because up until last week for three plus years I've been babysitting my 4 year old nephew. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between having my kids home and him it is so hard. My nephew talks and asks questions non-stop. He makes loud noises. I love him but it's no picnic babysitting especially when I need some quietness in my day to not go insane.
For the last few days I've had a new obsession. It's one that goes on and off but usually doesn't last long. I remember in elementary school being at a lady's house my mom worked with and was friends with. The lady said to me " your eye turns in like mine" I never knew or thought my eye turned in. I thought that was a mean thing to say. She should have said it to my mom if anything. I have been going to the eye doctor since second grade because I needed glasses for an astigmatism. None of the doctors ever said anything to me that my eye turned in. Later when I was in beauty school I got paranoid again because this stupid girl who I was actually friends with once in a while when I was around would look at her other friend and make her eye go inward. I should have asked her why she was doing that but instead I thought my eye must turn in and she is making fun of me. I have thought about asking the eye doctor if it does but then I feel stupid or when I'm there I'm not worrying about it. I have been obsessing at looking at pictures of myself and examing my eyes and asking my husband and children. I already had my eye exam for the year but I feel like I should make another now so I can get an answer. Love all my readers out there. Hope you have a wonderful day and my God bless you.
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