It's here just as I was expecting...MERCURY

Yep, I knew it because I've had issues with it before. As I mentioned the other day we had a broken CFL light bulb that contains mercury. My husband had to replace it. We replaced the light sconce along with the light bulb because we have wanted new ones. He said it took a while to get it off but then he wrapped a plastic bag around it as he took it off. He said he was as careful as he could be. I feel so bad because he was trying to protect me and yet it just wasn't good enough. He told me I could throw away the clothes he was wearing. I might. I have done it before and I'm not proud of it. The other problem is the clothes he was wearing were already put in the hamper touching other clothes that were in there. So, I'd have to throw away everything that was in there. I am so afraid of whatever mercury or vapor from it could have gotten on his shirt and I'm so afraid of it contaminating our washing machine and then contaminating all our clothes. I had this happen with something else before and I almost had my husband return our washing machine. It still could have been returned because we had it for a few months. This has been consuming me the past few days and it is so stupid but yet I can't seem to get on with it. I'm really disapointed at myself when I am like this.  Oh, yes I did my RESEARCH today. I'd be rich if I got paid for my researching. So, the facts are that a CFL lightbulb contains about 4 mg. of mercury and that would be enough to cover the tip of a ball point pen. That doesn't sound like alot but it's still too much for this OCD mind. An old-school mercury thermometer had 500 mg. of mercury, a watch battery has 25 mg., and a silver looking filling and I don't know how you spell the name of it has 500 mg. You would think that could give me comfort but my brain is stuck in gear. I got a new laundry hamper today and I have his clothing and things that were touching it wrapped up in a plastic bag. I have a headache and my tummy aches. My soul aches.

Panic attack

Sunday morning I awoke in a way I never have before. My heart was racing. I got up and walked into the kitchen and then I started having a panic attack because I was freaked out and didn't know if I should call for help or what. My husband wasn't here because he was at my son's soccer game. I called my sister and she told me to breathe and sit down. I took a clonazapam also. It did help. My heart never even races when I'm stressed so to wake up like that was scarey.

As for today, I am still feeling the contamination feelings from the batteries. I was outside doing some stuff in the garage and I touched the garbage can without a barrier like a bag or glove and of course now I feel like I probably have acid on my hands. I am using my computer though. I must have lost my mind. It really bothers me to think I have stuff on my hands for many reasons but I really worry because I wear contacts and I'm afraid I'll get it in my eyes when I take them out at night. My husband says I wash my hands so much it would be off by then anyway. I am anticipating some more anxiety soon. I bought some new outside lights for my husband to replace on our house. Our's got broken because of basketballs hitting it and now to my unhappiness and what I really didn't want to happen I noticed the dumb flouresent twirly light bulb got broken too. Well, the problem with that is they contain mercury. Oh, it's just one thing after another. I hope my husband can do it without getting mercury on anything or his hands. I told myself I wasn't going to let this stuff bother me and just live my life but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to. I have anxiety either way.

Batteries

Leaking batteries in my remote control white and crusty.

Placing gloves on hands to remove them and throw in trash outside.

Cleaned remote much to my dismay and it still is contaminated to away it went into the trash.

Nightstand that I like putting things on you are now contaminated too. I now can't set anything on you. What to do with you I just don't know.

Afraid of battery acid getting on me and especially in my eyes. Wearing contacts has started to interfere with my dirty OCD hands.

Not wanting to touch my outside garbage can because I might have somehow got battery acid on it when I threw the batteries in there so for now I have to wear a glove and hide it with a plastic grocery bag so my neighbors don't think I'm weird. Still feeling like my hands are dirty.

Bought a new remote. Hate touching batteries so I had to put my gloves on to put them in my remote. It now has a new home on top of the tv since I can't put it on my nightstand.

Batteries why do you have to cause so much trouble you stupid things.

Trying to keep my head above water.

Here I am in a sad, cold place just back to a place I didn't want to ever find myself again. Will it end? Do I really have to get my daughter's blood drawn to test for hiv to make this stop. I don't want to. I am so afraid to do it. It all started when I took her to Claire's at the mall last August to get her ears pierced. The second it happened I tingled with fear through my body and the obscessing began. A deep depression which continued through the year. What have I done I asked myself. Here I am now again. I was free for a while and doing great and not even worrying or thinking about it but now I've been hit again like a ton of bricks. Part of me says just get a test and then if she's fine everything will be back to normal and the fear gone. My psychiatrist said he didn't think testing would necessarily be the answer and had me up my clonazapam to three times a day. About  a week later I was still falling apart and he prescribed me risperidone to help break up the thoughts. I never took it because there was some side effects like possibly fatal or uncontrollable twitching that might not go away after use of medication. Yes, I went to the dreaded internet researching where I know I should go and was researching aids and hiv and scared myself and made myself feel sick. When I see the words aids or hiv it can make me start this vicious cycle.  I am afraid to even post this becasue it might even make things worse for me. Then I say should I get the test or drug myself more. Getting the test is like moving a mountain. It scares me like crazy and the waiting would almost kill me. I am a sick person. I am a scared person. Some days I am a normal or semi-normal person. When I go to these places I just want to crawl into God's arms and have him wrap me up tight and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Anxiety

I have not had anxiety over my daughter's ear piercings for quite a while now. It seems after reading another blog about piercing has brought to the surface those feelings again. What can a person with OCD do to protect themselves from these feelings resurfacing when you read things. I guess you really can't  do much about it. I spent almost 75% of last year in an anxiety filled world because like the person that got her piercing, I was terrified that she got hiv from it. I now am starting the panic feelings again and I don't want to go there. It scares the heck out of me. It's a very scary place.  I really thought I was over this. That's what I hate about OCD is that you finally start feeling normal and that you can cope with something and everything is fine and somewhere in that brain strikes a chord. A chord of depression, worry, hopelessness, and it's a viscious cycle.

If it makes you HAPPY

I have made a decision. I want to be happy. I want to live a happy life. I am tired of not caring and just making it through the day. It's just not good enough. God make me to be great. I need to fulfill this plan.
I know challenges are part of life and sometimes feel out of control with OCD because it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have decided to take some chances. I've touched some things that I normally wouldn't without gloves today. My daughter and her friend did inspire me. They took "contaminated" rakes out of the shed today and raked up a whole back yard of pine needles, filled a bird feeder, washed out a bird bath and had fun doing it. I didn't tell them they couldn't, I just let them enjoy the moment. I am sick of sacrificing my life to OCD. Just plain sick of it. I am better than this. I watched my sister this weekend as we went to the zoo and it was a bit disturbing. She didn't experience OCD as a child like I did but now in her 30's she is experiencing it and it's getting worse. Thankfully, she has started seeing someone for it and it taking meds. now. We went to the zoo and she had to check under the car every time we got out to make sure she didn't drop something. Everytime we sat down somewhere she had to go back to look to make sure she didn't leave something behind. I understand but it's weird watching her do it. She has a hard time getting out of her apartment because she has to check to make sure all burners are off and refrigerator closed and I don't know what else. I usually only do this as we are leaving for a vacation.
I want to get involved in excercising again this fall. I want to go to women's bible study at my church. I haven't ever participated in one and I've gone to this church for 12 years. I tend to run away from people I guess. I don't have any really close friends. I figured out that I really am afraid of commitment and I guess I don't really know how to be a good friend. I do have a few close friends but I don't see them very often or talk to them on the phone. I grew up having a best friend from age 4 to 18. She then went away to college and then was in my wedding but we were never as close. We still talk once in a while and it is ironic that her husband had OCD and her marriage ended in divorce a few years ago. She doesn't know that I have OCD. I never have had a chance to tell her. It might be for the best.
So, here's to my new adventure in doing everything I can to make my life happy. Cheers!