I did it.

This morning I was determined to clean out the sawdust in the garage. The morning didn't start great because I threw a bag of garbage in the can outside and I didn't know there was a bunch of sawdust left in there so it all blew on me when I put it in there. I went to the store and bought some dust masks. I was going to use my shop vac, but it wasn't working. I swept the floor alot and used a bucket of water and a sponge. I still have some work to do but I am tired after spending a about three hours cleaning. I am proud of myself. I feel alot better now.

Update at 4:54
I started feeling anxiety showing it's ugly face. My breathing was getting hyper-ventilating like and I could hear a wheezing so it "MUST" have been from the dust says my OCD. I took a clonazopam to help me get back to normal if you can call it that. I'm feeling a little better now. I may have more anxiety tonight but I hope it will be gone by tomorrow.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today is he day I will clean my garage. I am going to get a dust mask and use my shop vac and do what needs to be done with God by my side. Thank you God for you strength, love, and wisdom. I love you.

It's so bugging me...What should I do?

I am so afraid of the mess of dust in the garage. It is so bugging me and consuming me. Do any of my fellow bloggers have any advice for me and this craziness that is making me crazy.  I'm sure you have read about my whole laminate flooring project and how I was so afraid of the dust and the finish on the laminate. So anyway my garage still sits full of the sawdust. It is on the floor and all over all my stuff in there. My husband was going to use his air compressor and blow it all out. I told him I didn't want him to do that because it would just blow it all over the place. He told me that it wouldn't be in our garage though. It doesn't even wash off by just spraying it off with the hose. I am just getting sick about this. I am so afraid to tackle it myself because I am so afraid of getting it in my lungs. I bought some sponges the other day and thought the best way would be to fill a bucket with soapy water and clean all the things and shelves that way and then wet mop the floor. I was going to get a mask until I read a warning on it saying if not used properly can cause injury. I don't know what that means. My husband swept the floor but not very good because I still see dust all over it. I just hope the dust isn't coming in through the vents when the A/C is on. I know I am rambling on and on but I just don't know what to do. I'd like to hire someone to come in and clean it all for me but I'm not rich so I can't. 

Weekly anxiety

1. Garage covered in sawdust- I would clean it but it's overwhelming for me now. I don't want to breathe in
     any dust.

2. Pool- I have added some chemicals but need to go get a different one I haven't added yet. It causes alot
    of anxiety for me to transport the chemicals in my car and to put them in the pool. I am probably one of
    the few people that wear gloves and some sort of protective eye covering to do it.

3. Feeling fat- My clothes are feeling tighter from lack of excercise. I was doing jazzercise last year and felt
    good but I quit and haven't joined again. I don't know if I will. It's kind of a social anxiety thing. I always
    have so many excuses not to do things and I just give up.

4. The weather-it's been very cloudy here until the afternoon and it doesn't help with mood.

5. My dryer heating element-went out so now I have a heap of dirty clothes.

I always feel like I'm complaining but these things are so real and it does help to write it and share it. I feels so great to know there are people out here that go through the same challenges in different ways as me and understand.

Oh, Oh, Oh it's OCD!

Here it comes again in full force. It started with a day at the park for a baseball end of season picnic. Everything was nice until they decided to have a game of parents against the kids. One of the boy's dad that was playing took a big flying leap into home base and got some blood gushing wounds. He went and sat on the bench that the boys sat on and had to patch up his bloody mess. He was pouring water on it and throwing the bloody napkins under the bench. I was really hoping he would wash his hands or not play anymore since my son and husband were playing. No, hand washing on his part was involved. He was up to bat and had to touch a couple of the bats before he got up there. The ball will probably get blood on it too or the germs. I'm freakin' just a wee bit. I should be used to it. This is me and what I and alot of you deal with. It's hard. I don't want to be a freak and make my family think I'm a freak. It seems worse as my kids are getting older because it's harder for me to do things to "protect" them without them noticing and thinking I'm a fruitcake. I hate putting them through it. I just can't seem to stop. As I speak there is a sandwich bag wrapped around the door handle of my home so that they won't contaminate it when they come home. My daughter and I left early and someone is giving them a ride home. I couldn't take it anymore. I am going to put some hand sanitizer on them when they get home as much as I don't want to and ask them to wash their hands. It makes me sad to do this. I feel weak. I took a clonazopam when I got home and of course now I am saying to myself why did I take it? I start to freak sometimes from taking it because it might be bad for me. I am so proud of you out there that are doing exposures. I know how hard it is. You are doing great. I do what I can but some things just haven't been able to jump those hurdles especially when it comes to poison and blood.

Panic

It is 4:00 a.m. at this moment. I am awake and and panicing. Last night we worked on the laminate flooring again. This stuff is not as easy to put in as I thought it was supposed to be. I was great and probably would still be fine until my loving relative that was helping us decided to use the jig saw in the kitchen to cut out the shape of the air vent and of course right over the air vent. I was not happy about that. My husband drew the shape on the previous ones and took them outside to do it. Now, I'm freaking out because I know dust went down into the vent and I can't reach that far to clean it out so it will blow out into the air me and my family are breathing. My husband vacuumed it up which was nice but now my vacuum is contaminated too. The issue I'm having is not just about sawdust. It's something I mentioned in a previous post that there is a hard layer of what's called aluminum oxide to protect the floor. I am so scared of breathing it in and of my kids breathing it in. I already have a fear of breathing in anything that is not clean air because I'm afraid of things getting stuck in my lungs. I just feel hopeless and like crying right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a poisoned house now. I feel like it's hard to breathe but I know it's because I am panicing. My husband got called into work very early this morning so that's why I'm up. I cleaned the floor off and other surfaces in the kitchen with a damp cloth.  My nose is stuffy so I can't help but think it's from the dust. I'm sad because I don't want the dust and what's in it to hurt us. I am sick of this and now I think it would have been better to keep the carpet. It just makes me so mad that he did the cutting in here over the vent. I love him and I know he didn't mean to make me feel this way but because of my OCD I am very mad and scared and sad right now. Today is probably going to be a challenge for me. I am babysitting my two year old nephew also. If I can't go back to sleep I am probably going to be grouchy too. I don't want to turn the air conditioning on because I don't want it to blow the stuff out. When I feel like this I just want to crawl into a little ball and cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. I know God tells me not to be anxious about anything and maybe I need to cast my anxieties on him because he cares for me.