Contamination - Hi, it's been a while!

 Hi, I haven't posted on here for a while. I had been reading over some previous comments and they were so kind and helpful. I feel like I have become stronger, but I still have OCD. Of course, it will always be with me. I know that, but I try my best to not let it run my life. In 2018 I graduated with a bachelors degree in elementary education. I have been teaching fourth grade for 3 years at a private school. I love it. I face OCD challenges every day, but when I am teaching I have to keep going. I can't stop because of a contamination issue. Contamination is still my number one issue I experience with OCD. Blood tops the list. 

Blood plays a huge part of my every day, besides keeping me here. I know it's beneficial. OCD contamination issues with blood isn't fun or helpful. My eyes are always looking for things that might be contaminated with blood. Even if it's not blood, if it has any sort of reddish tint to it, it must be blood. It's difficult to buy things sometimes. I am fine for the most part with buying groceries, but sometimes I have picked up an item that looks like it has blood on it. It might be a smudge from the red ink that's already on the package, but it could be blood. It really is hindering and exhausting. 

I have been obsessing about the mail since last Saturday. I got the mail and there were two packages from the pharmacy that had a random line on them with the same color. One was a short line, and the other longer and randomly placed. They were a blood color. The only reason I don't think it was really blood was because I don't think it would be in a contained line like a pen would be. Still, my mind takes caution and will believe that it was blood. Anyway, I was expecting an order of contact lenses. I thought they were supposed to be here a few days ago and I went outside to do yard work so I could get them before they went in the mailbox. It was supposed to be 100 degrees that day and I told the mail carrier I didn't want them in sitting in the mailbox. They actually didn't come until a few days later. She said she would bring them to my door. I had received notification that they would arrive today. I wasted about an hour or more standing in my garage waiting for the mail carrier. I finally went inside and when she came, I hurried outside. She was bringing them to the door which was kind of her. I told her I didn't know why I was obsessing about this package. I did know, but I wasn't going to tell her why because she would probably think I was crazy and it wouldn't make any difference. I don't even want to sanitize my mailbox, because I'm afraid to reach my arm in there and if I think something had blood on it, I don't want to get any liquid on it. My OCD says it might activate anything in the dried blood that isn't even on the mailbox. OCD is so creative. 

Spring Vacation

It was a very eventful Spring Vacation. We went camping. Camping always causes alot of extra hand washing for me and an uncomfortable feeling of dirtiness. I am out of my element of home. We camp in a small trailer. I did enjoy it, but am always so excited to get home. I do not like using public restrooms and that had to be done.
It has been quite a stressful week to say the least. Lets start by saying on Thursday evening my Husband got dizzy when he stood up and fell and fell into me and knocked me over in the kitchen. I have a big bruise on my leg. I didn't know what had happend. I tend to scream when I panic. OOPS! That doesn't help the situation. He was a little disorientated for a few seconds. I of course had to call the advice nurse and he wasn't happy with that. He never goes to the doctor. He is very stubborn. The next day I am babysitting my two year old Nephew for my Sister who had a doctors appointment that should have been short. She ended up having to check into the E.R. I went up to the hospital that evening to stay with her. She is having kidney, bladder stones, along with shingles and they don't have it all figured out yet. The hospital was raising my anxiety level alot. She did get to leave that night.
I pray that this week will be a little calmer. It is a stormy day here outside today.

*This was written a few years ago, I found it in my drafts.

Hair Color

How do I color my hair? 

Well, I used to use semi-permanent hair colors to color my grays when I began getting some in my 30's.  I didn't have a problem with it, in fact I was a licensed hair stylist for a few years.  

I am now in my early 40's and I am getting more grays.  A few years ago I started to color with my hair with henna, which is supposed to be more natural.  The last couple times I colored my hair I started to get anxiety and panic.  I usually color my hair in the morning and then in the evening I started to feel panic set in.  I had no side effects or anything, but OCD likes to make EVERYTHING dangerous. So, I started to worry about what it could do to me and if it gets into my body.  What could it do to me?  Now, I need to color my hair again as the gray is making it's way out.  I am thinking about not doing it again and letting my gray grow out which would cause a whole other set of issues. I really don't want to have gray hair yet.  I would feel embarrassed and insecure. I am already an insecure person with not a whole bunch of self-confidence.  So, today I got myself worked up thinking about what to do. I have also been doing a lot of watching you tube videos on transitioning to gray and looking up pictures of people with gray hair.  

Today I was thinking, wow, we here in America are so worried about gray hair.  People in other countries have so much bigger things to worry about.  Why are we so worried about our looks here?  I am liking that gray is a trend now, but it seems it's only trendy if you don't naturally have gray and you get it colored to look like that. 
I really don't know what I'm going to do.  

I was reading through some blog posts and I have been using henna since 2012. I wasn't sure when I started using it. Good to know. I want to know why things that were okay, all of a sudden cause fear with OCD?  This has happened with many other things as well. 

Also, I can't just color my hair whenever I want. I have to do it in the morning so that I can make sure I can go all day without having an allergic reaction before bed.  If I do it too close to bed, I will worry that something might happen during the night.  I do know that these are IRRATIONAL FEARS, but OCD doesn't care.  It treats them as if they are real and then my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicks in.  Can anyone relate with this?

Hi, it's been a while...

I decided to write again.  I have thought about it before, but sometimes I just don't want to because it makes it more real than it is.  I want to try to ignore my OCD, not write about it.  It is almost impossible to ignore though.  Every day is a struggle, but some more so than others. 

A lot has changed since the last time I have written on here.  I have been going to college at a University and I am about to graduate in May with a Bachelor's of Education.  There were many days I wanted to quit and many challenges I had to overcome to get where I am now.  

When I started school I almost quit before I went, because OCD started trying to mess with me.  The school I go to is a co-hort.  It is the same small group of students that started with each other and will graduate with each other.  We have taken all of our classes together.  

OCD was telling me...

Challenge #1
The classroom might not have good air quality, because it is old and it smells musty.  There are bricks in the inside and there might be something harmful coming off of them that you could breathe in. 

Challenge #2
Teacher ran out of gas on her way to class and had to get gas in a container and pour it in her car.  She came to the first four hour class and talked about how she smelled of gas and how it was making her feel dizzy.  OCD had a hard time with that.  I wanted to run out the door and not come back.  For the remainder of the year there were many things contaminated because of that, especially the door handle.  I used a paper towel the rest of the year to open the door.  

Challenge #3
Kids in the classroom where I do my student teaching, bleed.  They like to pick at scabs, get cut, and pull out their teeth.  Blood is hard for me to deal with.  It is one of my biggest fears and OCD triggers.  

Challenge #4
Construction in the school.  

Challenge #5 
Classmate came in one cold morning and said she had just put antifreeze in her car.  She then followed me to my classroom and sat there a while since her teacher's room was locked.  That was not what I wanted.  She was CONTAMINATING my classroom!

There have been more challenges than this, but these were some of the bigger ones. 

My medication(fluvoxomine), hasn't increased much over the years.  I have been taking it for almost 20 years, since I was 24.  I take 175 mg and you can take up to 300 mg.  My doctor suggested that I go to 200, but I am afraid to increase it, so I only increased it from 150mg to 175mg.  I do not like taking medication, but I know it is necessary, and it scares me when I have to take more, that it could do something to me. 

Don't even know what to call this!

WOW!
I have been struggling, big. So, my husband decided instead of taking our SUV in to get the heater fixed which was going to cost a small fortune, him and his dad would fix it. Oh please I hope I remember to never let him work on my car again. I'm really not blaming anyone even though it really sounds like it. Okay I'm not blaming my father-in-law because he was just trying to help.
We drove out to there house which takes about 45 minutes from our house. They decided to drill a hole through the bottom of the glove compartment to try to get inside there to do something to make it work. BIG Mistake!
Fluid started pouring out under the car and into the passenger side on the inside on the floor. Okay, it still makes me feel sick talking about it. This happened a couple days ago and it's gonna take me until we get rid of the car to get over it and then I still won't be over it because when he brought our car home stuff was leaking out onto my driveway. The contamination issue is just going to go wild for me. My father-in-law offered to pay part to get it fixed, so I told my husband to do it. This still does not solve the problem for my OCD MIND. No it does not. It doesn't matter how much the carpet in that car is scrubbed or cleaned because to me it will never be non-contaminated. To a person without OCD that would take care of the problem. I don't want my kids to ride in the car again and I don't want to ride in the car again. I am so scared. I'm afraid they will breathe it in and it will cause harm to them. Now I have to drive our 1989 Volvo with over 200,000 miles on it and it won't be running for long. This is how OCD works and it is not pretty. It makes me feel mentally ill when I am stuck in the heat of the OCD moment. I say to myself, why me?
I was a real mean person the last few days too. I'm normally a very nice person to be around. I had to apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry and to just be patient with me. It's hard too, because my son is a sophomore in highschool and he's embarrassed to be riding in the Volvo. Money is real tight right now.  I want to try to get an inexpensive smaller car for me.  I'm really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am actually dreading it. We have to go back over to my in-laws house and I'm also embarrassed for the way I got all upset and was crying and couldn't eat dinner when we were there because of my contamination fears and my car was RUINED. My husband does not understand OCD and doesn't want to understand it and he just gets mad at me. That makes it all the worse when your spouse is unsupportive. I feel pretty much all alone when it comes to dealing with my OCD.

Indecision

I have not been on here for a while. I just didn't feel like writing about and sharing my feelings or it just seems like I am complaining. I just feel that I need to express myself now. I am struggling. I have been looking for a job and it's not easy to find one. I have been a stay at home mom for the past almost 9 years. My son is now is high school and my daughter is in middle school. It has not been easy financially. I have had a few job opportunities and now my OCD is really getting in the way.

I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.

Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.

I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.

Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.

 

Living with constant FEAR

I really try to tell and remind and pray that I can surrender to God and not give into fear. God tells me to FEAR NOT. I need to listen to him.

I sit here with henna on my hair. I am a little anxious. In previous entries I have written how I have issues with hair color and this is the option I have chosen for now. If I didn't have OCD I'd probably have a box of chemical color on my hair. I have used that before but have become afraid of using it. I still am afraid a little of this henna because I don't know 100 percent if it is safe or what's in it. They say it's safe and natural but there's always that chance. I am a bit sarcastic with my OCD sometimes. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being overly concerned. I worry I could have an allergic reaction to it or that all the ingredients aren't as they say and there is something in there that might be bad for me. I have left it on longer than last time though. I've had it on for almost half an hour. Last time I washed it out almost right after I applied it. I'm doing it little by little. I am getting some courage. I know how to make it so complicated too. I with my OCD "can't" put the henna on my hair in the evening or the weekend in case something happens and I have a reaction. I know that doctors are available in the evening and weekend but I feel more comfortable doing it in the morning. Yes, realistically I know this is all unrealistic thinking. With OCD we can make that difference. We know it's unrealistic but yet we give into the fear. We just do our best with what we got. "We Shall Overcome!" I had a quote like that in highschool posted in my room and it's by Martin Luther King. I like it. Now, I shall be going to wash out my henna and make a complete mess of the bathroom. The henna dries and crumbles everywhere. It smells very earthy and it's green. I know such a pretty description. I know it's hard to believe a person with OCD would choose to use this. Have a wonderful day! FEAR NOT!