Shoe rack and Hair color

I keep trying to find a solution for organizing the mess of shoes by our front entryway. I finally bought a  storage rack for them but yes there was a problem. I thought I'd be fine with it but it got the best of me. I don't like pressed wood products because they contain formaldyhyde. I probably didn't spell that right. So, new things smell new and the reason is because of the VOC's or off gassing of CHEMICALS. I used to like it when things smelled new. So, we all had our shoes in there the other night and I had to get out of bed to take them out and go put the cabinet in the garage. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'd take it back but my husband had to put it together and part of it he had to use nails. He said I'd have to take it apart it I was going to take it back. I probably could talk him into it, but I also hate taking things back to the store. I'm trying not to think about it because after all it is just a stupid shoe rack.

Now, for the hair color. I used to color my hair every so often to cover the few grays I had. I now have alot more grays in the front of my hair that I want to cover up because they stick out and don't look good. I have gotten more scared the past few times I've colored my hair about getting in it my eyes when I rinse it out. I was going to do it today. I was all ready and then I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to feel the discomfort. I haven't gotten any in my eyes before but the water runs on my face by my eyes and then I am sure I must have got some in there and I'm really afraid I'll go blind. So, now it's another step back in my life of things I can't do. I went to see my doctor who prescribes my medications last week. I told him my husband thinks I am worse now than ever. The doctor thinks I seem to be doing okay. I was taking clonazopam up to twice a day as needed. I told him I do much better if I do take one in the morning and then usually don't have to take another that day. He told me just to start taking one every morning and then one later in the day if I need to. I told him I am afraid to take too many because I don't want to damage my liver. He said my dosage is so low that it should be fine. He does like to get blood work done yearly though so he said I could go ahead and get that done and my cholesterol. I told him I have been blogging about my ocd and he thought that was great and that I was meeting others who had ocd like me so I don't feel like I'm the only person who is like this.

I don't have cable, but I found the episodes of the OCD Project that a few of you have mentioned. I am excited to watch. I watched the first episode the other day. I am hopeful to learn some things.

I want to be free from you OCD

Anxiety stays with me wherever I am. I wake up with anxiety and I often go to bed with it even when I have no reason to be anxious. There's always that feeling of uncertainty that I just can't seem to grasp. I so believe that I am not supposed to worry or be uncertain yet I can not let go. I want to be free from this grip that OCD has on me. I want to live my life and not be a prisoner. I am sick of it. I try to be thankful because I know I am like this for a reason but it sure seems like I miss out on alot and cause alot of turmoil because of this condition. I want to touch and do without even thinking about what I'm touching or what I'm doing because it might be dirty or dangerous. I am not in control and I never will be no matter what I do to try to CONTROL. No, it's not me who can do it. It's amazing how I think I am so powerful. I listen to the constant  whispers and lies that OCD  tells me. It says if I listen then nothing bad will happen. I know this is a lie but can I truly believe it in the trials and tribulations of my life? Can I ever truly LET GO and LET GOD. OCD please let me be and let me live my life. I want to be free. I want to be free so my family can be free. My OCD does not just affect me but my family lives with it everyday. It's not fair to them. I grieve for the frustrations and crazy things I do to my family. I really feel burdened by the way I affect them. Afterall it is not all about ME.

I did it.

This morning I was determined to clean out the sawdust in the garage. The morning didn't start great because I threw a bag of garbage in the can outside and I didn't know there was a bunch of sawdust left in there so it all blew on me when I put it in there. I went to the store and bought some dust masks. I was going to use my shop vac, but it wasn't working. I swept the floor alot and used a bucket of water and a sponge. I still have some work to do but I am tired after spending a about three hours cleaning. I am proud of myself. I feel alot better now.

Update at 4:54
I started feeling anxiety showing it's ugly face. My breathing was getting hyper-ventilating like and I could hear a wheezing so it "MUST" have been from the dust says my OCD. I took a clonazopam to help me get back to normal if you can call it that. I'm feeling a little better now. I may have more anxiety tonight but I hope it will be gone by tomorrow.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today is he day I will clean my garage. I am going to get a dust mask and use my shop vac and do what needs to be done with God by my side. Thank you God for you strength, love, and wisdom. I love you.

It's so bugging me...What should I do?

I am so afraid of the mess of dust in the garage. It is so bugging me and consuming me. Do any of my fellow bloggers have any advice for me and this craziness that is making me crazy.  I'm sure you have read about my whole laminate flooring project and how I was so afraid of the dust and the finish on the laminate. So anyway my garage still sits full of the sawdust. It is on the floor and all over all my stuff in there. My husband was going to use his air compressor and blow it all out. I told him I didn't want him to do that because it would just blow it all over the place. He told me that it wouldn't be in our garage though. It doesn't even wash off by just spraying it off with the hose. I am just getting sick about this. I am so afraid to tackle it myself because I am so afraid of getting it in my lungs. I bought some sponges the other day and thought the best way would be to fill a bucket with soapy water and clean all the things and shelves that way and then wet mop the floor. I was going to get a mask until I read a warning on it saying if not used properly can cause injury. I don't know what that means. My husband swept the floor but not very good because I still see dust all over it. I just hope the dust isn't coming in through the vents when the A/C is on. I know I am rambling on and on but I just don't know what to do. I'd like to hire someone to come in and clean it all for me but I'm not rich so I can't. 

Weekly anxiety

1. Garage covered in sawdust- I would clean it but it's overwhelming for me now. I don't want to breathe in
     any dust.

2. Pool- I have added some chemicals but need to go get a different one I haven't added yet. It causes alot
    of anxiety for me to transport the chemicals in my car and to put them in the pool. I am probably one of
    the few people that wear gloves and some sort of protective eye covering to do it.

3. Feeling fat- My clothes are feeling tighter from lack of excercise. I was doing jazzercise last year and felt
    good but I quit and haven't joined again. I don't know if I will. It's kind of a social anxiety thing. I always
    have so many excuses not to do things and I just give up.

4. The weather-it's been very cloudy here until the afternoon and it doesn't help with mood.

5. My dryer heating element-went out so now I have a heap of dirty clothes.

I always feel like I'm complaining but these things are so real and it does help to write it and share it. I feels so great to know there are people out here that go through the same challenges in different ways as me and understand.

Oh, Oh, Oh it's OCD!

Here it comes again in full force. It started with a day at the park for a baseball end of season picnic. Everything was nice until they decided to have a game of parents against the kids. One of the boy's dad that was playing took a big flying leap into home base and got some blood gushing wounds. He went and sat on the bench that the boys sat on and had to patch up his bloody mess. He was pouring water on it and throwing the bloody napkins under the bench. I was really hoping he would wash his hands or not play anymore since my son and husband were playing. No, hand washing on his part was involved. He was up to bat and had to touch a couple of the bats before he got up there. The ball will probably get blood on it too or the germs. I'm freakin' just a wee bit. I should be used to it. This is me and what I and alot of you deal with. It's hard. I don't want to be a freak and make my family think I'm a freak. It seems worse as my kids are getting older because it's harder for me to do things to "protect" them without them noticing and thinking I'm a fruitcake. I hate putting them through it. I just can't seem to stop. As I speak there is a sandwich bag wrapped around the door handle of my home so that they won't contaminate it when they come home. My daughter and I left early and someone is giving them a ride home. I couldn't take it anymore. I am going to put some hand sanitizer on them when they get home as much as I don't want to and ask them to wash their hands. It makes me sad to do this. I feel weak. I took a clonazopam when I got home and of course now I am saying to myself why did I take it? I start to freak sometimes from taking it because it might be bad for me. I am so proud of you out there that are doing exposures. I know how hard it is. You are doing great. I do what I can but some things just haven't been able to jump those hurdles especially when it comes to poison and blood.