Trying to keep my head above water.

Here I am in a sad, cold place just back to a place I didn't want to ever find myself again. Will it end? Do I really have to get my daughter's blood drawn to test for hiv to make this stop. I don't want to. I am so afraid to do it. It all started when I took her to Claire's at the mall last August to get her ears pierced. The second it happened I tingled with fear through my body and the obscessing began. A deep depression which continued through the year. What have I done I asked myself. Here I am now again. I was free for a while and doing great and not even worrying or thinking about it but now I've been hit again like a ton of bricks. Part of me says just get a test and then if she's fine everything will be back to normal and the fear gone. My psychiatrist said he didn't think testing would necessarily be the answer and had me up my clonazapam to three times a day. About  a week later I was still falling apart and he prescribed me risperidone to help break up the thoughts. I never took it because there was some side effects like possibly fatal or uncontrollable twitching that might not go away after use of medication. Yes, I went to the dreaded internet researching where I know I should go and was researching aids and hiv and scared myself and made myself feel sick. When I see the words aids or hiv it can make me start this vicious cycle.  I am afraid to even post this becasue it might even make things worse for me. Then I say should I get the test or drug myself more. Getting the test is like moving a mountain. It scares me like crazy and the waiting would almost kill me. I am a sick person. I am a scared person. Some days I am a normal or semi-normal person. When I go to these places I just want to crawl into God's arms and have him wrap me up tight and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Anxiety

I have not had anxiety over my daughter's ear piercings for quite a while now. It seems after reading another blog about piercing has brought to the surface those feelings again. What can a person with OCD do to protect themselves from these feelings resurfacing when you read things. I guess you really can't  do much about it. I spent almost 75% of last year in an anxiety filled world because like the person that got her piercing, I was terrified that she got hiv from it. I now am starting the panic feelings again and I don't want to go there. It scares the heck out of me. It's a very scary place.  I really thought I was over this. That's what I hate about OCD is that you finally start feeling normal and that you can cope with something and everything is fine and somewhere in that brain strikes a chord. A chord of depression, worry, hopelessness, and it's a viscious cycle.

If it makes you HAPPY

I have made a decision. I want to be happy. I want to live a happy life. I am tired of not caring and just making it through the day. It's just not good enough. God make me to be great. I need to fulfill this plan.
I know challenges are part of life and sometimes feel out of control with OCD because it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have decided to take some chances. I've touched some things that I normally wouldn't without gloves today. My daughter and her friend did inspire me. They took "contaminated" rakes out of the shed today and raked up a whole back yard of pine needles, filled a bird feeder, washed out a bird bath and had fun doing it. I didn't tell them they couldn't, I just let them enjoy the moment. I am sick of sacrificing my life to OCD. Just plain sick of it. I am better than this. I watched my sister this weekend as we went to the zoo and it was a bit disturbing. She didn't experience OCD as a child like I did but now in her 30's she is experiencing it and it's getting worse. Thankfully, she has started seeing someone for it and it taking meds. now. We went to the zoo and she had to check under the car every time we got out to make sure she didn't drop something. Everytime we sat down somewhere she had to go back to look to make sure she didn't leave something behind. I understand but it's weird watching her do it. She has a hard time getting out of her apartment because she has to check to make sure all burners are off and refrigerator closed and I don't know what else. I usually only do this as we are leaving for a vacation.
I want to get involved in excercising again this fall. I want to go to women's bible study at my church. I haven't ever participated in one and I've gone to this church for 12 years. I tend to run away from people I guess. I don't have any really close friends. I figured out that I really am afraid of commitment and I guess I don't really know how to be a good friend. I do have a few close friends but I don't see them very often or talk to them on the phone. I grew up having a best friend from age 4 to 18. She then went away to college and then was in my wedding but we were never as close. We still talk once in a while and it is ironic that her husband had OCD and her marriage ended in divorce a few years ago. She doesn't know that I have OCD. I never have had a chance to tell her. It might be for the best.
So, here's to my new adventure in doing everything I can to make my life happy. Cheers!

Shoe rack and Hair color

I keep trying to find a solution for organizing the mess of shoes by our front entryway. I finally bought a  storage rack for them but yes there was a problem. I thought I'd be fine with it but it got the best of me. I don't like pressed wood products because they contain formaldyhyde. I probably didn't spell that right. So, new things smell new and the reason is because of the VOC's or off gassing of CHEMICALS. I used to like it when things smelled new. So, we all had our shoes in there the other night and I had to get out of bed to take them out and go put the cabinet in the garage. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'd take it back but my husband had to put it together and part of it he had to use nails. He said I'd have to take it apart it I was going to take it back. I probably could talk him into it, but I also hate taking things back to the store. I'm trying not to think about it because after all it is just a stupid shoe rack.

Now, for the hair color. I used to color my hair every so often to cover the few grays I had. I now have alot more grays in the front of my hair that I want to cover up because they stick out and don't look good. I have gotten more scared the past few times I've colored my hair about getting in it my eyes when I rinse it out. I was going to do it today. I was all ready and then I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to feel the discomfort. I haven't gotten any in my eyes before but the water runs on my face by my eyes and then I am sure I must have got some in there and I'm really afraid I'll go blind. So, now it's another step back in my life of things I can't do. I went to see my doctor who prescribes my medications last week. I told him my husband thinks I am worse now than ever. The doctor thinks I seem to be doing okay. I was taking clonazopam up to twice a day as needed. I told him I do much better if I do take one in the morning and then usually don't have to take another that day. He told me just to start taking one every morning and then one later in the day if I need to. I told him I am afraid to take too many because I don't want to damage my liver. He said my dosage is so low that it should be fine. He does like to get blood work done yearly though so he said I could go ahead and get that done and my cholesterol. I told him I have been blogging about my ocd and he thought that was great and that I was meeting others who had ocd like me so I don't feel like I'm the only person who is like this.

I don't have cable, but I found the episodes of the OCD Project that a few of you have mentioned. I am excited to watch. I watched the first episode the other day. I am hopeful to learn some things.

I want to be free from you OCD

Anxiety stays with me wherever I am. I wake up with anxiety and I often go to bed with it even when I have no reason to be anxious. There's always that feeling of uncertainty that I just can't seem to grasp. I so believe that I am not supposed to worry or be uncertain yet I can not let go. I want to be free from this grip that OCD has on me. I want to live my life and not be a prisoner. I am sick of it. I try to be thankful because I know I am like this for a reason but it sure seems like I miss out on alot and cause alot of turmoil because of this condition. I want to touch and do without even thinking about what I'm touching or what I'm doing because it might be dirty or dangerous. I am not in control and I never will be no matter what I do to try to CONTROL. No, it's not me who can do it. It's amazing how I think I am so powerful. I listen to the constant  whispers and lies that OCD  tells me. It says if I listen then nothing bad will happen. I know this is a lie but can I truly believe it in the trials and tribulations of my life? Can I ever truly LET GO and LET GOD. OCD please let me be and let me live my life. I want to be free. I want to be free so my family can be free. My OCD does not just affect me but my family lives with it everyday. It's not fair to them. I grieve for the frustrations and crazy things I do to my family. I really feel burdened by the way I affect them. Afterall it is not all about ME.

I did it.

This morning I was determined to clean out the sawdust in the garage. The morning didn't start great because I threw a bag of garbage in the can outside and I didn't know there was a bunch of sawdust left in there so it all blew on me when I put it in there. I went to the store and bought some dust masks. I was going to use my shop vac, but it wasn't working. I swept the floor alot and used a bucket of water and a sponge. I still have some work to do but I am tired after spending a about three hours cleaning. I am proud of myself. I feel alot better now.

Update at 4:54
I started feeling anxiety showing it's ugly face. My breathing was getting hyper-ventilating like and I could hear a wheezing so it "MUST" have been from the dust says my OCD. I took a clonazopam to help me get back to normal if you can call it that. I'm feeling a little better now. I may have more anxiety tonight but I hope it will be gone by tomorrow.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today is he day I will clean my garage. I am going to get a dust mask and use my shop vac and do what needs to be done with God by my side. Thank you God for you strength, love, and wisdom. I love you.