It was a very eventful Spring Vacation. We went camping. Camping always causes alot of extra hand washing for me and an uncomfortable feeling of dirtiness. I am out of my element of home. We camp in a small trailer. I did enjoy it, but am always so excited to get home. I do not like using public restrooms and that had to be done.
It has been quite a stressful week to say the least. Lets start by saying on Thursday evening my Husband got dizzy when he stood up and fell and fell into me and knocked me over in the kitchen. I have a big bruise on my leg. I didn't know what had happend. I tend to scream when I panic. OOPS! That doesn't help the situation. He was a little disorientated for a few seconds. I of course had to call the advice nurse and he wasn't happy with that. He never goes to the doctor. He is very stubborn. The next day I am babysitting my two year old Nephew for my Sister who had a doctors appointment that should have been short. She ended up having to check into the E.R. I went up to the hospital that evening to stay with her. She is having kidney, bladder stones, along with shingles and they don't have it all figured out yet. The hospital was raising my anxiety level alot. She did get to leave that night.
I pray that this week will be a little calmer. It is a stormy day here outside today.
*This was written a few years ago, I found it in my drafts.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Hair Color
How do I color my hair?
Well, I used to use semi-permanent hair colors to color my grays when I began getting some in my 30's. I didn't have a problem with it, in fact I was a licensed hair stylist for a few years.
I am now in my early 40's and I am getting more grays. A few years ago I started to color with my hair with henna, which is supposed to be more natural. The last couple times I colored my hair I started to get anxiety and panic. I usually color my hair in the morning and then in the evening I started to feel panic set in. I had no side effects or anything, but OCD likes to make EVERYTHING dangerous. So, I started to worry about what it could do to me and if it gets into my body. What could it do to me? Now, I need to color my hair again as the gray is making it's way out. I am thinking about not doing it again and letting my gray grow out which would cause a whole other set of issues. I really don't want to have gray hair yet. I would feel embarrassed and insecure. I am already an insecure person with not a whole bunch of self-confidence. So, today I got myself worked up thinking about what to do. I have also been doing a lot of watching you tube videos on transitioning to gray and looking up pictures of people with gray hair.
Today I was thinking, wow, we here in America are so worried about gray hair. People in other countries have so much bigger things to worry about. Why are we so worried about our looks here? I am liking that gray is a trend now, but it seems it's only trendy if you don't naturally have gray and you get it colored to look like that.
I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I was reading through some blog posts and I have been using henna since 2012. I wasn't sure when I started using it. Good to know. I want to know why things that were okay, all of a sudden cause fear with OCD? This has happened with many other things as well.
Also, I can't just color my hair whenever I want. I have to do it in the morning so that I can make sure I can go all day without having an allergic reaction before bed. If I do it too close to bed, I will worry that something might happen during the night. I do know that these are IRRATIONAL FEARS, but OCD doesn't care. It treats them as if they are real and then my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicks in. Can anyone relate with this?
Well, I used to use semi-permanent hair colors to color my grays when I began getting some in my 30's. I didn't have a problem with it, in fact I was a licensed hair stylist for a few years.
I am now in my early 40's and I am getting more grays. A few years ago I started to color with my hair with henna, which is supposed to be more natural. The last couple times I colored my hair I started to get anxiety and panic. I usually color my hair in the morning and then in the evening I started to feel panic set in. I had no side effects or anything, but OCD likes to make EVERYTHING dangerous. So, I started to worry about what it could do to me and if it gets into my body. What could it do to me? Now, I need to color my hair again as the gray is making it's way out. I am thinking about not doing it again and letting my gray grow out which would cause a whole other set of issues. I really don't want to have gray hair yet. I would feel embarrassed and insecure. I am already an insecure person with not a whole bunch of self-confidence. So, today I got myself worked up thinking about what to do. I have also been doing a lot of watching you tube videos on transitioning to gray and looking up pictures of people with gray hair.
Today I was thinking, wow, we here in America are so worried about gray hair. People in other countries have so much bigger things to worry about. Why are we so worried about our looks here? I am liking that gray is a trend now, but it seems it's only trendy if you don't naturally have gray and you get it colored to look like that.
I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I was reading through some blog posts and I have been using henna since 2012. I wasn't sure when I started using it. Good to know. I want to know why things that were okay, all of a sudden cause fear with OCD? This has happened with many other things as well.
Also, I can't just color my hair whenever I want. I have to do it in the morning so that I can make sure I can go all day without having an allergic reaction before bed. If I do it too close to bed, I will worry that something might happen during the night. I do know that these are IRRATIONAL FEARS, but OCD doesn't care. It treats them as if they are real and then my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicks in. Can anyone relate with this?
Hi, it's been a while...
I decided to write again. I have thought about it before, but sometimes I just don't want to because it makes it more real than it is. I want to try to ignore my OCD, not write about it. It is almost impossible to ignore though. Every day is a struggle, but some more so than others.
A lot has changed since the last time I have written on here. I have been going to college at a University and I am about to graduate in May with a Bachelor's of Education. There were many days I wanted to quit and many challenges I had to overcome to get where I am now.
When I started school I almost quit before I went, because OCD started trying to mess with me. The school I go to is a co-hort. It is the same small group of students that started with each other and will graduate with each other. We have taken all of our classes together.
OCD was telling me...
Challenge #1
The classroom might not have good air quality, because it is old and it smells musty. There are bricks in the inside and there might be something harmful coming off of them that you could breathe in.
Challenge #2
Teacher ran out of gas on her way to class and had to get gas in a container and pour it in her car. She came to the first four hour class and talked about how she smelled of gas and how it was making her feel dizzy. OCD had a hard time with that. I wanted to run out the door and not come back. For the remainder of the year there were many things contaminated because of that, especially the door handle. I used a paper towel the rest of the year to open the door.
Challenge #3
Kids in the classroom where I do my student teaching, bleed. They like to pick at scabs, get cut, and pull out their teeth. Blood is hard for me to deal with. It is one of my biggest fears and OCD triggers.
Challenge #4
Construction in the school.
Challenge #5
Classmate came in one cold morning and said she had just put antifreeze in her car. She then followed me to my classroom and sat there a while since her teacher's room was locked. That was not what I wanted. She was CONTAMINATING my classroom!
There have been more challenges than this, but these were some of the bigger ones.
My medication(fluvoxomine), hasn't increased much over the years. I have been taking it for almost 20 years, since I was 24. I take 175 mg and you can take up to 300 mg. My doctor suggested that I go to 200, but I am afraid to increase it, so I only increased it from 150mg to 175mg. I do not like taking medication, but I know it is necessary, and it scares me when I have to take more, that it could do something to me.
A lot has changed since the last time I have written on here. I have been going to college at a University and I am about to graduate in May with a Bachelor's of Education. There were many days I wanted to quit and many challenges I had to overcome to get where I am now.
When I started school I almost quit before I went, because OCD started trying to mess with me. The school I go to is a co-hort. It is the same small group of students that started with each other and will graduate with each other. We have taken all of our classes together.
OCD was telling me...
Challenge #1
The classroom might not have good air quality, because it is old and it smells musty. There are bricks in the inside and there might be something harmful coming off of them that you could breathe in.
Challenge #2
Teacher ran out of gas on her way to class and had to get gas in a container and pour it in her car. She came to the first four hour class and talked about how she smelled of gas and how it was making her feel dizzy. OCD had a hard time with that. I wanted to run out the door and not come back. For the remainder of the year there were many things contaminated because of that, especially the door handle. I used a paper towel the rest of the year to open the door.
Challenge #3
Kids in the classroom where I do my student teaching, bleed. They like to pick at scabs, get cut, and pull out their teeth. Blood is hard for me to deal with. It is one of my biggest fears and OCD triggers.
Challenge #4
Construction in the school.
Challenge #5
Classmate came in one cold morning and said she had just put antifreeze in her car. She then followed me to my classroom and sat there a while since her teacher's room was locked. That was not what I wanted. She was CONTAMINATING my classroom!
There have been more challenges than this, but these were some of the bigger ones.
My medication(fluvoxomine), hasn't increased much over the years. I have been taking it for almost 20 years, since I was 24. I take 175 mg and you can take up to 300 mg. My doctor suggested that I go to 200, but I am afraid to increase it, so I only increased it from 150mg to 175mg. I do not like taking medication, but I know it is necessary, and it scares me when I have to take more, that it could do something to me.
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