Anxiety overload

The last couple weeks I have just felt so overwhelmed with anxiety. It has been affecting me physically. I have been carrrying it all in my neck and shoulders and having alot of headaches. My dog is barking right now and it sounds like a mega phone blasting in my ears. I always am sensitive to noise but when anxiety is high then it's worse. I know that I haven't been taking my clonazepam and there would be some relief with that but I just don't want to become dependant on it. It is an addictive drug which I don't feel addicted too and my doctor said it's such a low dose I shouldn't become addicted. It's probably my ocd that thinks I shouldn't take it. I did read something saying that your body can have a hard time relaxing itself if you have been taking a benzopene for a long period of time. I'm pretty sure some excercise would help but easier said than done. I have such a hard time getting myself or finding a method of excercise since I experience social anxiety as well. My breathing has been in a hyper-ventilation way even though others wouldn't notice. My shoulders and back just aching and on fire then causing sore muscles throughout my back up into my neck and causing headaches. I've had to take ibuprofen every day and lay with a heating pad on my neck and back. It mostly all started when I decided I was going to stop watching my toddler nephew. I have been watching him for several years and I decided I'm done. I just felt so guilty about it. There are some other issues in the family too but I know that really got me going. Once my body starts feeling that way it takes a while for it to feel better.
Thankfully the sun was out yesterday and today. That is always nice.

Another day in OCD land

Usually, I wouldn't even post on a day like today. I think you might know by the date. I usually avoid any appointment or anything that could be recorded on paper on this day. I don't like the number. I don't make any major purchase on days of this number. It's not that I really believe the superstions but I don't want to take a chance. OCD rears it's ugly head on it.
I am tired and irritable today. I have been tired this whole week especially in the afternoon. It might be because we have to get up early again now that school is back in session.
So, a few things happened today that my OCD didn't like. I went to target which I don't think I'm going to go there for a while because I'm really annoyed with them trying to shove their dumb 5% savings credit card on me. One girl made me feel violated last time. I wished I had said something to her. She's like may I ask why you wouldn't want to save blah, blah, and I said I don't want any more cards and she's like it's just like a debit card well I guess she didn't get it because she obviously doesn't care about me saving money anyway she just wants whatever she gets out of it for herself. I don't like having to listen to it every time I go there. Anyway, I bought some dishwasher detergent and then I noticed afterward before I left it had some dirty gunk on the outside of it. I was going to just take it home but I decided I don't have time to deal with this so I went back in and returned it. That lady made me feel like I was an idiot. I guess I should have said I don't want it because it is dirty but I said I got the wrong kind. Doesn't that ever happen?   Then she said in a snotty tone, "You got the wrong kind?" Then she even said it again. I said yeah I guess I should pay better attention next time and I apologized which I shouldn't have. So, I was irked about that. I guess I should have been snotty back but that's just not me. I don't want to be like that anyway. It's ugly. I like to be nice.
Oh ya, the other thing that happened but I stopped at the bank and noticed they had de-icer sprayed on the parking lot. I was fine with walking on it but then on the way back I notice my pant leg was touching the ground. Great!  Usually I would throw them away but I can't since I only have a couple pairs of jeans. Now, I'm going to have to wash them several times in hot water and then run an empty load to clean the washer which will still feel contaminated. Then I will feel like I am contaminating the dryer by putting them in there. If it was just me it might be easier but I feel like I am contaminating everyone's clothes in the house. I want to take a nap, but I am babysitting today and he is pushing my buttons. They seem to know when your day isn't the greatest. It's probably the way I react though.

Holidays and some eye OCD

One more day until my kids are back in school. They had three weeks off because an extra week was thrown in with budget cuts. It has gone pretty good. I know they are ready to go back even if they don't know it. The holidays went pretty good here. Usually, I get sad feeling during the holidays for no apparent reason but I didn't. I'm happy about that. I haven't blogged for a while and usually that's a good thing for me because I'm usually doing good. I have been so busy too. At the moment I'm OCDing but not freaking out about my eyes. I have a thing with my eyes getting damaged by sun, lazers, welding. I was burning some pictures and I somehow think the lazer is going to get to my eyes and cause damage even though I can't see the lazer.  I don't even like to look at photos of the sun or pictures of the sun on t.v. because I think it could hurt my eyes. I was watching Ellen the other day and Howie Mandel came on with this teeth whitener thing on and he told people there and at home not to look at him because it might damage your eyes. That was after watching it for a few minutes. I really logically don't thing it can hurt your eyes from t.v. but that's my OCD. I don't care if people laugh at me for that. It is kind of funny.