Here I am typing with my ridiculous rubber gloves on. I don't know why it seems like my contamination fears of chemicals is getting so much worse lately. I just took the garbage can out to the curb with my rubber glove on and I had a plastic grocery bag but I didn't use it and then I tried to throw it in the garbage but it blew out and I had to pick it up and touch the lid fearing the contamination of the hook in there that we used to transport the antifreeze. I took the garbage out because I knew if my husband did it he wouldn't be wearing gloves.
Yesterday, I had to deal with battery contamination issues. I was at the store and when I got in my car it wouldn't start. I had to get a new battery. The guy who was helping me, his hands were all dirty to start from working. I was afraid that I got battery acid on my keys and car. I had to go home and clean it all off.
I just don't know what the deal is here. I don't know if I need more medication or what is going on. I feel like I did when I wasn't taking any.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thankfulness and update on antifreeze
Before I write about what I was going to write about I want to say some things I am thankful for since it is Thanksgiving this week and I'm usually complaining about OCD issues on here because that is what this blog is all about.
I want to thank God for without him I could do nothing. I am thankful for my husband and my children. I am thankful for a warm house, food, and clothes. I am thankful for all of you. I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving and find many reasons to give thanks. With that being said onto the nitty gritty of OCD.
If you have been reading the last few posts, I have been having issues with some antifreeze that has been sitting in my garage. Yesterday, I decided this is enough. I can't take it being in there anymore. I went out to my shed and got some tools and things that I didn't want to get contaminated and brought them into the garage. I was in a dilemma over what to do with the lawn mower though. I didn't want the handle getting contaminated. I did the best I could and covered it with a pool air mattress we don't use. It will have to do because I don't want the lawn mower in my garage because it will smell like gasoline. I went and got on my rubber gloves and found a hook used to hang a shelf up that we didn't need. I told my husband I needed him to help me with something. I told him I wanted him to put on gloves and pick up the antifreeze with the hook and take it to the shed. I had to follow him to make sure he did it right. So, it is out of my garage. I am a bit bothered by the hook he used sitting in my garbage can. I should have had him put it in plastic bag. I did take a bag of garbage out today but I lifted the lid with a plastic bag and threw it in. The lid didn't close all the way so I hope nothing spreads to the outside of my garbage can. This is where I know it sounds a bit over the top and bizarre when I'm writing it, but that's just how OCD plays tricks on me. I know I probably did not handle it the right way by moving the antifreeze to the shed because it's still there and I can forget about it for a while but the issue is still there. I know I should have let my husband just pick up the bottle and take it to the shed without gloves and a hook like a normal person would do but it is what it is. I don't usually make him participate in the rituals but I just didn't know what else to do. I wasn't strong enough. I really like reading comments from anyone that has anything to say or your opinions. It really does help me. Reassurance actually puts a stop to some of my obsessions instead of making them stronger which is usually typical for most people with OCD. God bless you.
I want to thank God for without him I could do nothing. I am thankful for my husband and my children. I am thankful for a warm house, food, and clothes. I am thankful for all of you. I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving and find many reasons to give thanks. With that being said onto the nitty gritty of OCD.
If you have been reading the last few posts, I have been having issues with some antifreeze that has been sitting in my garage. Yesterday, I decided this is enough. I can't take it being in there anymore. I went out to my shed and got some tools and things that I didn't want to get contaminated and brought them into the garage. I was in a dilemma over what to do with the lawn mower though. I didn't want the handle getting contaminated. I did the best I could and covered it with a pool air mattress we don't use. It will have to do because I don't want the lawn mower in my garage because it will smell like gasoline. I went and got on my rubber gloves and found a hook used to hang a shelf up that we didn't need. I told my husband I needed him to help me with something. I told him I wanted him to put on gloves and pick up the antifreeze with the hook and take it to the shed. I had to follow him to make sure he did it right. So, it is out of my garage. I am a bit bothered by the hook he used sitting in my garbage can. I should have had him put it in plastic bag. I did take a bag of garbage out today but I lifted the lid with a plastic bag and threw it in. The lid didn't close all the way so I hope nothing spreads to the outside of my garbage can. This is where I know it sounds a bit over the top and bizarre when I'm writing it, but that's just how OCD plays tricks on me. I know I probably did not handle it the right way by moving the antifreeze to the shed because it's still there and I can forget about it for a while but the issue is still there. I know I should have let my husband just pick up the bottle and take it to the shed without gloves and a hook like a normal person would do but it is what it is. I don't usually make him participate in the rituals but I just didn't know what else to do. I wasn't strong enough. I really like reading comments from anyone that has anything to say or your opinions. It really does help me. Reassurance actually puts a stop to some of my obsessions instead of making them stronger which is usually typical for most people with OCD. God bless you.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Overwhelmed
It's early on Thursday morning. I still have not found peace about the antifreeze in my garage. It's just bugging the heck out of me. I have felt so much stress from this. I am a bundle of nerves wound up tight and my back muscles are aching. I felt so exhausted in a different way than usual at the end of the day yesterday. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I hate feeling this way. I am going to take a clonazepam this morning so I hopefully can feel some relief. It won't take it away though. I'm just really wanting to know what you would do if you were me? If you aren't sure what I'm talking about, the post just before this one is what it's about. I giggled when talking about it on the phone but it's not funny at all. It's is causing so much strife and here we go again this dance with this dreaded OCD. Please tell me your opinions I need them. Thank You.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Now it's waking me up!
Yes, indeed last night I had a bad dream that involved the much hated ANTIFREEZE that is in my garage.
This morning I woke up around 4:00 a.m. thinking about it and trying to put together a plan of how I'm going to get rid of it. There is also brake fluid out there but antifreeze is bugging me most. I know to people who don't have OCD this seems so silly. I told my husband it's like theres a monster in the garage when I was trying to explain to him how it makes me feel. He told me there's no such thing as monsters. It's really hard for him to understand my point of view. I told him I get really mad at him when he brings chemicals home when he knows how I feel about them. He said he has to because we can't afford to take the car in to do some things like get the brakes changed or adding antifreeze or whatever. I appreciate him trying to help but I told him it probably costs us more in the long run from the turmoil it causes. He said he will have to get another job then so we can afford to take it somewhere. I know he won't do that and I don't want him to. I told him I could pay his brother and to come get the chemicals and take them to the hazardous waste facility or ask his dad. He didn't respond except explained why he had the chemicals. I don't want my husband to handle the chemicals or put them in his car. It will bother me even if he wears gloves. I'm so afraid of him getting the chemicals on him and bringing them into our home. I now am fearful that things I have stored in our garage our contaminated. Our Christmas decorations are not sitting far from the antifreeze and I don't know if I'll be able to use them. He said he guesses we won't be decorating for Christmas then. He always tells me I'm getting worse (my OCD) I'm pretty sure I'm not getting WORSE. It's just a viscious cycle. I shame myself and let myself get walked on sometimes because of OCD. It's like this mind set of letting my husband get away with certain comments or behaviors and feeling like I deserve it because of what he has to put up with me and my OCD. I tell him I can't help it. I know I can do things like exposures but I have done that and it just doesn't seem worth it to me for all that it puts me through. It doesn't seem like it really helps and then I almost can't function because I'm freaking out. I wish chemicals didn't bother me. I know people that don't have OCD probably think GET OVER IT. I would if I could. I am refraining from taking a clonazepam. I haven't taken one to help calm me in several weeks. I want to try to feel the fear and accept it and try to go on. It 's just the antifreeze won't leave me alone. I fear it causing harm and coming in through the heater into the house. I have been leaving my garage door open or cracked during the day.
This morning I woke up around 4:00 a.m. thinking about it and trying to put together a plan of how I'm going to get rid of it. There is also brake fluid out there but antifreeze is bugging me most. I know to people who don't have OCD this seems so silly. I told my husband it's like theres a monster in the garage when I was trying to explain to him how it makes me feel. He told me there's no such thing as monsters. It's really hard for him to understand my point of view. I told him I get really mad at him when he brings chemicals home when he knows how I feel about them. He said he has to because we can't afford to take the car in to do some things like get the brakes changed or adding antifreeze or whatever. I appreciate him trying to help but I told him it probably costs us more in the long run from the turmoil it causes. He said he will have to get another job then so we can afford to take it somewhere. I know he won't do that and I don't want him to. I told him I could pay his brother and to come get the chemicals and take them to the hazardous waste facility or ask his dad. He didn't respond except explained why he had the chemicals. I don't want my husband to handle the chemicals or put them in his car. It will bother me even if he wears gloves. I'm so afraid of him getting the chemicals on him and bringing them into our home. I now am fearful that things I have stored in our garage our contaminated. Our Christmas decorations are not sitting far from the antifreeze and I don't know if I'll be able to use them. He said he guesses we won't be decorating for Christmas then. He always tells me I'm getting worse (my OCD) I'm pretty sure I'm not getting WORSE. It's just a viscious cycle. I shame myself and let myself get walked on sometimes because of OCD. It's like this mind set of letting my husband get away with certain comments or behaviors and feeling like I deserve it because of what he has to put up with me and my OCD. I tell him I can't help it. I know I can do things like exposures but I have done that and it just doesn't seem worth it to me for all that it puts me through. It doesn't seem like it really helps and then I almost can't function because I'm freaking out. I wish chemicals didn't bother me. I know people that don't have OCD probably think GET OVER IT. I would if I could. I am refraining from taking a clonazepam. I haven't taken one to help calm me in several weeks. I want to try to feel the fear and accept it and try to go on. It 's just the antifreeze won't leave me alone. I fear it causing harm and coming in through the heater into the house. I have been leaving my garage door open or cracked during the day.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Stuck in a rut with contamination
It seems like everywhere I go shopping lately almost all the cashiers that ring my stuff up have a bandaid on their finger. I know it's probably going to keep happening until I just don't care but I don't know if that'll happen. I threw away a 2 lb. coho salmon last week. I went to the fish market and the lady behind the counter was chatting at the register when I got there. She didn't wash her hands before getting the salmon. She took a plastic square thing and grabbed it and then she put a couple sheets of it on the scale which she got her germs on. She also had a small scab on the outside of her hand. I thought I'd be fine with it but I worried about it the whole evening and next day and then decided just to throw it away. What a waste of $20.00. Today I went to get a new purse since mine is literally falling apart. The women who rang it up had the end of her thumb wrapped with white tape. I really want to use the purse because I need it and I don't want to return it. I had a hard enough time choosing it. It is my basic black of course. I can't get myself to buy one with that silica gel packet stuff they put in them and I found one that doesn't have it. I made sure I looked inside and made sure no one put any garbage in it or anything. I always check the stuff I buy for blood or any stains or whatever I'm looking for. Now, I feel like my purse it contaminated though. OCD can really take up so much time. Things other normal people just don't even think about. I also threw away a whole bag of frozen broccoli this week because when I was cooking it I noticed a browinsh spot on a piece and was afraid it might be blood. I know I can't just keep throwing stuff away.
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