I just don't get it.

Going through the motions is how I feel alot.
I have such a hard time staying focused on anything I am doing. I am a stay-at-home mom to my beautiful and wonderful children. I have been home now for 8 years. I have worked before that pretty much full time since I was 16 and earlier than that babysitting. I know I have symptoms of depression and of social anxiety. What really bothers me is feeling out of control. I feel tired alot and hopeless. I really don't look forward to anything which is very sad. I try to enjoy my life but I get stressed out and I find myself being angrier than I've felt before. I get irritated easily. I just feel like a blob. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like I try to do something and then I just don't do it. I don't have motivation. I have been trying to find out about getting a job as a substitute school cook so I can work the same as school hours but I haven't been able to get ahold of the person who does the hiring. So, the way my mind works is I start to think of reasons why I shouldn't work and I start to change my mind. I really want to make candles and have wanted to for a while but it's like I can't get started it's like I am literally stuck. I find a reason or excuse for everything. I feel like someone is sitting on me holding me back. Another thing I'm wondering about is if anyone else with OCD experiences sensitivity to noise or patterns of noise. It starts to make me crazy if I hear the same phrase repeated over and over or noises sound alot louder and more bothersome to me than to other people. My head starts to spin is how I explain it. I also have noticed this year and I don't think it's from my burt's bee lip shine, is some days more than not my tongue has this weird tingling sensation and it almost drives me nuts. I asked my internal medicine doctor about it but she didn't know. I asked my head doctor if it could be caused by my fluvoxomine and he said it could but I still am not sure. Some days it makes me feel like I want to rip my tongue out it's that bothersome. The sun is shining here today and I am still feeling that depression setting in. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel happy. I want to feel happy again.

Today started off with a whoot

Now feeling a little sickish and very OCDish. Are repair people suppose to ask if they can use your bathroom in your house?  I could have said no, but I said he could because I would feel rude if I said no. I guess I should have said umm...it's broken or something. I'm not good at coming up with quick excuses like that. I had to sanitize my bathroom with my seventh generation cleaner. I hope that's enough to do it. I'd use bleach except I'm afraid of it. What's a girl to do? 
I have been feeling a little on edge the past few days as I was trying out a vegan diet. Oh my goodness is it ever hard and confusing when you have know nothing but meat and dairy products. I have tried not eating meat before and I don't mind it too much but the dairy thing is like way hard. My daughters' tummy gets upset from dairy and I just thought we'd go full circle and jump on the vegan train. Just not working out too good. It's hard enough trying to figure out what to feed your family every day and then add that and WOW it's even harder and more stressful.
That's my venting for the day.