OCD you are being a pest(icide)!

This last week has been spring break. Everything has gone pretty smoothly. We have stayed busy.We have gone bowling, to play video games, roller skating and to a movie. We did go mini-golfing and of course their was some sort of weed sprinkle stuff on the barkdust and my ball kept going straight for it. I got a kleenex out of my purse and picked it up with that. My kids were laughing at me and my husband thought oh wow she's crazy. I decided to throw the kleenex away after my kids were picking up their contaminated golf balls. I touched mine. I did not want to but I did. We went to the restroom and washed our hands before we left.

I babysit my nephew two days a week. My sister puts an ant trap outside her apartment door. I've always had a small issue with his shoes thinking there is a residue of that on his shoes. She told me the other day she put some ant strip thing in her bedroom becasue she found ants in there. I don't know why people have to tell me when they use poison because they know it bothers me. She has OCD too but the poisons don't bother her. She called me this morning to ask me if I could give her a haircut. I told her I wasn't going to be able to today. I really don't want to touch her hair because I am afraid of the contamination from the ant strips. I just can't deal with it today. Some things I do just avoid because it's much easier than putting myself through what comes afterword. My hair cutting tools will be contaminated and me and I just can't do it. People, don't tell me things about the poisons and chemicals you use. My mother-in-law always does this too. She knows how much it bothers me but yet she can't help but tell me when she has used a pesticide or something. I don't get it. I feel bad for not cutting my sister's hair but you know I do alot for the people in my life and there's just some things I can't do because I'm not responsible for everyone. I haven't even had my hair cut for over a year except by my self. She only likes me to cut it for her. I was a professional hairstylist way back when but I just do my families hair now. That's a whole other story in itself.

Unorganized, undecided, tired, irritable, guilty feeling, no motivation, blah...

That sounds depressing. It is. I used to be so motivated when I was a high schooler and only had to worry about myself. I excercised every day faithfully. I didn't think about not doing it. I had to and wanted to. I watched very carefully what I ate and tracked my calories. I cared about looking the best I could. I would slap on all my makeup and not care that it was harmful for me. Those were carefree days.  I don't want to go back there. I just wonder what happended to that girl who had goals and actually was motivated and cared. It's so hard now. I wouldn't change having children for the world because I love them so much. I guess it's just I feel guilty alot and feel like I need to spend all my time home with them. I feel guilty even when I am home with them because I don't feel like I have anything to offer them. My husband and I have never even left them over night. I think it's my OCD that is so afraid of something happening to them while I am gone that I don't even desire to go.  My daughter is nine and she is at the age where she gets sassy with me alot and that makes me mad and sad and then I just try not to say anything to make it worse. My son is into his sports, but I don't know what to do with him. I never feel like going outside to shoot baskets. I just feel un-motivated and I feel like a bad mom. I try to give them my all. I provide them with all my love but I just never feel I'm good enough.
I don't do anything for myself. I have no hobbies. I have tried some but it seems like everything I try in my life I always quit. I really am not writing this for a pity party it just is how it is. I'm used to it but every now and then it starts to overwhelm me. The feeling of no direction. I'm so bad at making decisions and I also do suffer from some social anxiety. I was taking jazzercise class a few years ago and I liked it. I did it for about a year but then I quit as I was going through a depression and never got back into it. I keep thinking about going back but I always find an excuse not too. I am now starting to feel the effects of not excercising. I feel the extra weight and my body aches. I feel stuck. The problem is there are alot of days when I'm just fine being that way. I just don't seem to know how to get un-stuck.