WOW!
I have been struggling, big. So, my husband decided instead of taking our SUV in to get the heater fixed which was going to cost a small fortune, him and his dad would fix it. Oh please I hope I remember to never let him work on my car again. I'm really not blaming anyone even though it really sounds like it. Okay I'm not blaming my father-in-law because he was just trying to help.
We drove out to there house which takes about 45 minutes from our house. They decided to drill a hole through the bottom of the glove compartment to try to get inside there to do something to make it work. BIG Mistake!
Fluid started pouring out under the car and into the passenger side on the inside on the floor. Okay, it still makes me feel sick talking about it. This happened a couple days ago and it's gonna take me until we get rid of the car to get over it and then I still won't be over it because when he brought our car home stuff was leaking out onto my driveway. The contamination issue is just going to go wild for me. My father-in-law offered to pay part to get it fixed, so I told my husband to do it. This still does not solve the problem for my OCD MIND. No it does not. It doesn't matter how much the carpet in that car is scrubbed or cleaned because to me it will never be non-contaminated. To a person without OCD that would take care of the problem. I don't want my kids to ride in the car again and I don't want to ride in the car again. I am so scared. I'm afraid they will breathe it in and it will cause harm to them. Now I have to drive our 1989 Volvo with over 200,000 miles on it and it won't be running for long. This is how OCD works and it is not pretty. It makes me feel mentally ill when I am stuck in the heat of the OCD moment. I say to myself, why me?
I was a real mean person the last few days too. I'm normally a very nice person to be around. I had to apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry and to just be patient with me. It's hard too, because my son is a sophomore in highschool and he's embarrassed to be riding in the Volvo. Money is real tight right now. I want to try to get an inexpensive smaller car for me. I'm really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am actually dreading it. We have to go back over to my in-laws house and I'm also embarrassed for the way I got all upset and was crying and couldn't eat dinner when we were there because of my contamination fears and my car was RUINED. My husband does not understand OCD and doesn't want to understand it and he just gets mad at me. That makes it all the worse when your spouse is unsupportive. I feel pretty much all alone when it comes to dealing with my OCD.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Indecision
I have not been on here for a while. I just didn't feel like writing about and sharing my feelings or it just seems like I am complaining. I just feel that I need to express myself now. I am struggling. I have been looking for a job and it's not easy to find one. I have been a stay at home mom for the past almost 9 years. My son is now is high school and my daughter is in middle school. It has not been easy financially. I have had a few job opportunities and now my OCD is really getting in the way.
I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.
Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.
I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.
Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.
I took a job as a school bus driver in August. I started training for it and even got my CDL permit. The obstacle was that I would be required to do a pre-trip inspection every day before I drove the bus. This would include checking the oil, steering fluid, and transmission fluid every day. Once a year would be too much for me. I would also have to open the door to where the big battery is and touch it to make sure it was secure. I would have to check to make sure the gas cap was secure. This is not okay with me. I thought I was going to be strong and just do it and get through it but guess what I decided I don't want to do it. It's so overwhelming and I know it's good for a person with OCD to challenge themselves, but when I've challenged myself it just has turned into chaos. I have to be very careful to protect this fragile OCD mind I have. It might sound silly because if you do not have OCD you have no idea what I am talking about. So, I had to tell my boss that I was not going to be able to continue my employment there and I did tell her why. They were very understanding.
Today I have to make a decision about withdrawing from another job offer because of my OCD. I was offered a job as a substitute cook. My mom did this for several years and enjoyed it. I was excited about it yesterday, but last night OCD started doing it's job. I thought I will probably have to be around oven cleaner. To me this is a real fear. It's as big a fear to me as a real fear is to anyone else. Most people don't think anything of it. It consumes me. There are other cleaning chemicals I would have to work with but they wouldn't bother me as much as this. I am scheduled to go in for a physical today for the job. This just is so frustrating and it's really degrading and embarrassing. I shouldn't have told my family about the job because my husband gets really frustrated with me and does not even want to try to understand OCD. It's hard for me when he doesn't even try to be understanding about it. I do have another job that I am starting today in the school district. It's an extended day substitute. I will be helping with the kindergarten and after school daycare program.
The only thing about that is there are no guaranteed hours. I will work my first day today for 2 hours.
I applied and had a job interview for a place I worked at as an office specialist before I quit to raise my kids. It is in a drug, alcohol, and mental health office. I know I'm surprised I can even work in a place like that. I'm also struggling with this decision because I was interviewed last week and they told me a decision wouldn't be made until this coming Friday or after. I don't know if I should work a full-time job yet. I still want to continue going to school too. We are going to need at least one new car soon and we just really need the money. I have feeling very scared and vulnerable. The only real support I get is from my parents. My marriage of 17 years has been a real struggle too. I have such a hard time making decisions. I am actually pretty good about making everyday decisions but these big things are really hard for me. I make my mind up one way and then I just end up changing it again. The thing that's really hard is I can't even trust myself with my decisions.
Indecision is a big part of OCD. I just wish more people understood OCD and other mental health disorders. It is scary and no fun. It is especially hard on family members and I can understand that. I'm not sure how I would react to a family member that had it. I would probably get irritated too.
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