Friday, July 15, 2011
Guilt and hopelessness
This is something that has followed me around especially since I've had children. I feel so responsible for their every moment of happiness. I feel so guilty when I don't have anything for us to do. I've lived in this town or area my whole life and I just run out of stuff to do. Depression I believe is what causes these feelings. When I watch commercials about depression and they hold up those signs saying what it is those all describe me. I hate this feeling of guilt and feeling unworthy as a mother and a person. The wanting to do things and having ideas in my life but not quite sure how to make it happen. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but it's a real struggle. It just feels like I'm on a treadmill running nowhere. I hate complaining because God has given me all the tools I need I just need to figure out how to use them.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Inside my OCD world
I'll be talking about my relaxing camping trip later. It was actually relaxing. I hardly know the meaning of that word.
Let's see...I know my life is good. In fact so good compared to alot of people that are living in poverty and don't have clothes, a home, clean water and the funny thing is they some of them are probably happier than me. I know being a God loving woman that God fills that empty hole but being human I do struggle. I don't spend enough time reading my Bible and seeking God. I try to take care of everything myself and worry about everything when God tells me not to worry about anything. Good advice, if only I can listen.
I have been feeling a cloud lifted since I have started taking 800 mg of vitamin D a day and 1000mg of fish oil. I truly am out of the major funk I was in. So grouchy and irritable and hardly could smile. I can smile now and my head feels clearer. I'm still obsessing though.
I am last night and today obsessing over a stupid phone. I'm obsessing because I finally bought a new cordless phone because my other one loses it's battery power very quickly. As I was reading through the pamphlet it came with I started to get that sinking feeling. It said if you touch the cord to wash your hands after handling because they contain LEAD. Okay? Then the battery which is cadmium nickel is known to cause cancer in the state of California, Okay? Great now I have a toxic phone. I put on two (double- thick) pairs of gloves and packed that thing up this morning. I know I'll probably not like any phone I get. I dread taking the thing to return it because it's embarrasing and I don't want to handle it and I'm not wearing gloves to the store. I won't go that far atleast for now and hopefully never. I hope they will return it. This is when I start beating myself up mentally. I get so down on myself and know that most people don't know or even care what kind of battery their phone has. Dang OCD! I don't even know what I would be like without OCD. Maybe I would be living fearlessly and dreaming big and making things happen instead of living in my scared little world. I don't know why I think I can protect myself and my family from the things of this life. In reality I know I can't but trying to convince my OCD of that is a different story. I hate hearing myself complain but it does help to get my thoughts out. If people want to read they can and if no one wants to listen or read they don't have to. That's what's nice about having a blog and a circle of people that can relate with me.
Let's see...I know my life is good. In fact so good compared to alot of people that are living in poverty and don't have clothes, a home, clean water and the funny thing is they some of them are probably happier than me. I know being a God loving woman that God fills that empty hole but being human I do struggle. I don't spend enough time reading my Bible and seeking God. I try to take care of everything myself and worry about everything when God tells me not to worry about anything. Good advice, if only I can listen.
I have been feeling a cloud lifted since I have started taking 800 mg of vitamin D a day and 1000mg of fish oil. I truly am out of the major funk I was in. So grouchy and irritable and hardly could smile. I can smile now and my head feels clearer. I'm still obsessing though.
I am last night and today obsessing over a stupid phone. I'm obsessing because I finally bought a new cordless phone because my other one loses it's battery power very quickly. As I was reading through the pamphlet it came with I started to get that sinking feeling. It said if you touch the cord to wash your hands after handling because they contain LEAD. Okay? Then the battery which is cadmium nickel is known to cause cancer in the state of California, Okay? Great now I have a toxic phone. I put on two (double- thick) pairs of gloves and packed that thing up this morning. I know I'll probably not like any phone I get. I dread taking the thing to return it because it's embarrasing and I don't want to handle it and I'm not wearing gloves to the store. I won't go that far atleast for now and hopefully never. I hope they will return it. This is when I start beating myself up mentally. I get so down on myself and know that most people don't know or even care what kind of battery their phone has. Dang OCD! I don't even know what I would be like without OCD. Maybe I would be living fearlessly and dreaming big and making things happen instead of living in my scared little world. I don't know why I think I can protect myself and my family from the things of this life. In reality I know I can't but trying to convince my OCD of that is a different story. I hate hearing myself complain but it does help to get my thoughts out. If people want to read they can and if no one wants to listen or read they don't have to. That's what's nice about having a blog and a circle of people that can relate with me.
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